I admit it, I was lazy over the three day holiday weekend and didn't get up at 5am even once. That really was the extent of my laziness though because once I was up and moving, I didn't stop moving until the sun set! The weather this weekend was beautiful so of course I tackled yard work and made sure my acreage didn't turn into a wild jungle. I even trimmed the tall bushes in front of my house because their new growth was making it difficult to see out my picture window. Trimming bushes taller than I am was no easy task and involved carefully balancing being on a ladder, operating electric sheers and not leaning so far forward I fell into the bushes or tipped the ladder backward. I think I burned more calories being all nervous doing that than I did performing physical exertion in hot temperatures and beating sun. Coordination has never been my strong point, but I survived and conquered the bushes (mostly) and can now gaze happily out my front window to watch the sunrise lighten the sky.
There's a little house wren outside the window this morning and it's amazing that such a loud song comes from such a tiny thing. He's being very persistent and dedicated in his morning exuberance and I'm impressed. I do know what it is though to be so determined that nothing will stop me and like the wren, I remain undeterred when someone growls at me. I didn't growl at him but I imagine people who love mornings less than I do certainly would. I suppose my tenacious nature and refusal to give up on certain dreams and desires might wear on the nerves of those who don't truly understand me, but I still feel such qualities are to be admired. I took a very important and long overdue step yesterday by mailing out an inquiry letter for one of my many romance novels. I will be following that one letter up with many others to various publishers and I won't quit this time until my books are out there to be read and enjoyed by others. I love to share my passion, I live for it and I truly can't afford to waste any more time on silly things like fear of rejection and criticism. What I write is real and genuine because it comes from my life experiences and is spoken from my heart. Someday a truly enlightened person will see that, and then look out world! No really, look out because I tend to be kind of clumsy and I might stumble into you when my exuberance disorients me while I navigate the exciting path to success.
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On the weekends when I have my daughters, my cell phone alarm wakes me up playing the song "Telling the World" by Taio Cruz. It is truly inspiring to wake up to the words "Every part of my heart I'm giving out, every song on my lips I'm singing out..." I open my eyes and greet the day and my heart and spirit beat in the optimistic hope that someday, the man I chose to share my heart with will wake up knowing how lucky he is to have me as his girl. Perhaps that sounds a little conceited, but to me it really isn't that much to ask. Ask women what they think romance is and I guarantee you'll get a variety of different answers. Sure there are the usual flowers, jewelry, candy, remembering important dates, etc. that pop into mind first, but romance is so much more than that! Romance shouldn't be about materialistic "things" and flowers that wilt, it should be about something deeper and more enduring. To me the smallest gestures touch me where it counts. Opening a car or entrance door for me, pulling out my chair at the table, holding my hand, moving my hair off my shoulders, touching my face, meeting my gaze when I speak, kissing me, wanting to be close to me no matter where we are, missing me when we're apart...and so much more. I love affection, I love feeling coveted, I love knowing that the person I'm with truly appreciates all that makes me who I am and will never hold it against me when I stumble along the complicated path of life. I know I love all those things even though I have never actually experienced all of them. I suppose that's what makes me such a prolific romance writer; that eternal hope and desire for something I'm not entirely sure exists... I apparently hit snooze twice this morning because by the time I was awake enough to realize the time, it was 5:20. I felt like I could sleep for another 3 to 4 hours without any problem but alas, that isn't an option for me at this point in my life. Sleeping through what I now see is a beautiful morning would have been a waste anyway, but the temptation was still there.
The weather this past weekend was absolutely amazing and a true taste of the hot summer days ahead. As much as I might complain about sweating and burning in the sun (even with SPF 45 sunblock on) I much prefer those "problems" over shoveling and driving in snow and freezing during the winter. Heat can be dealt with by turning on the air conditioner and/or fans, drinking tons of water, staying in the shade and wearing as little clothing as possible. After a full day out in the sun and light breezes, I feel wonderfully tired and I smell like fresh air and sunshine. I could have spent the nice weather weed whacking, pulling the grass out of my potential flower garden, trimming my front bushes or other outdoor chores, but instead I chose to take a break and a breather by traveling to the bigger hills of southern New York State. It was a great drive full of sights I forgot existed in this state, open roads with little traffic and minimal construction, and a destination that was both familiar and yet still new to me. I met new people, I walked new streets, I took in new sights and all of that to me is a coveted gift. It felt so good to talk, laugh, share my thoughts and experiences with others and listen to their's. As isolated as I am where I live, I miss that real human interaction that I believe we all need. As I never truly know when such interaction will happen again, and I strive to not take anything for granted, I made the most of every moment and tried to memorize it all. I always hope that I leave behind a good impression and enjoyable memories of me when I leave a person and a place so that every now and then the people I've met say "remember that girl..." as I cross their minds in one of life's endless stories. I truly enjoy when someone tells me how much they like my paintings or reads something I wrote and expresses their enjoyment and desire for more. I suppose I could be alone in my belief that having people who believe in you is a true gift. Artists of any kind understand how hard it is to get their writing, painting, photography, music, sculptures, spoken word...whatever it may be, out there for the world to experience. The term "struggling artist" exists for a very good reason. We are all blessed with different gifts and not everyone possesses an artistic talent, but I believe there's a longing within each of us to express ourselves.
I will admit that I'm guilty of needing some encouragement in order to feel inspired enough to paint or write. The thought that everything I do is all for naught is discouraging to say the least. I love to share my writing and painting, and if the people I share it with are truly appreciative, the artistic spark inside me regains its strength and starts to burn back into a real fire. Do not misunderstand me and believe that everything I do, I do for attention; far from it. I have tons of manuscripts that may never be read, and stacks of paintings that may never be seen, but that never stops me from creating more. Tell me "I like the colors in this painting" or "I really enjoyed this story and want to read more" and wow, I am over the moon with happiness! I create to share, isn't that what all artists do? What good is self expression if no one else ever sees or hears what it is you're trying so creatively to say? So to all my fellow artists out there, I offer you my encouragement and support. It isn't an easy road or life for any of us right-brainers and from time to time, I think we all need to lean on someone for a bit. The right people will push us off with a gentle shove or hard kick in the rear when we lean and we'll be right back on the trail, artistic machete in hand, blazing a new creative and inspired trail into the future. I am a stubborn little thing. When someone tells me I can't do something, I do my darnedest to prove them wrong. I have this eternal fire within me that drives me to work harder and test the limits of my own strength. For too long a period in my life I was made of this very fragile and breakable stuff and I had to be very careful to protect myself from any potential threat that might crack or shatter me. That all changed when my father died and I realized that protecting myself from living had robbed me of true happiness and allowed me to be unfairly trapped in a proverbial cave. I quickly rediscovered just how much of my father's strength and spirit exists within me once he was no longer on this earth to try and drive that point into my hard little head.
The quest to gain my own happiness and freedom was not an easy one, but my determination never faltered and I clung to the faith that life really would get better. I had some great friends supporting me through my transition and metamorphosis and they have my eternal gratitude! There were many middle of the night texts and tear-filled phone calls and unexpected and heart breaking setbacks but with a little (okay a lot of) help from my friends, I survived. Friendships that endured all that and continued into my life of freedom are more rare than diamonds and truly priceless. The weather this past weekend was absolutely beautiful and I spent the majority of it outside working on something or other. I weed whacked for the first time in my life and I actually had fun. Yes, I said fun, that wasn't a typo. My forearms were killing me and I was covered with dandelion guts by the time I finished but I was grinning from ear to ear because I had cleaned up MY yard! No one was there telling me I was doing it wrong or that I'd missed a spot or any such stupid thing. It's my house and my yard and while I might not do things the way others would, I don't honestly care because how I do things works just perfectly for me. I also planted my little flower sprouts in my first attempt at a real garden. My father's green thumb doesn't come naturally or easy to me, I really have to work for it, but I'm up to the task! The sun likes to mess with me, as my friend says, and it beat down on me the entire time I was sitting in my garden digging little holes, planting seeds and playing in the dirt. The back of my neck was thoroughly sunburned by the time I finished and stood up and it was then that the sun decided to vanish behind a huge bank of clouds. I rolled my eyes at the way Mother Nature toys with me but I smiled at my hard work. I don't know how many of my seeds will actually grow into mature flowers but I'm hoping by the end of summer I'll have at least a few daisies for my children to pick. Today every muscle in my body is sore and I'm scratched, bruised and burned but all I can say is...bring it! There's always a new challenge to face and new obstacles to overcome but I can handle it, I always do somehow. Go ahead and tell me I can't do something; I'll just dig my heels in, roll up my sleeves, muster my strength and set my stubborn little spirit in motion to prove you wrong. I love lilacs. Their clusters of delicate looking blooms, their bright green leaves, and their simple sweet beautiful fragrance. I was so excited when I moved into my house last summer and discovered that the bushes in my back yard were lilacs. The bushes are already well established and too tall for the deer to do too much damage to so I was hopeful I'd have tons of blooms in spring. Alas, this spring was not kind to them. The weather warmed up really early in March and my lilac bushes all budded out looking eager to bloom. Then we got almost an entire month full of frigid nights, wind, rain and snow and my efforts to preserve the delicate buds failed. By the time the weather warmed up and stayed warm almost all of the multitude of buds on my lilac bushes had wilted and drooped on their stems. There are a few tiny clusters of blossoms that survived on the smaller bushes and I'm certain next spring they will all be amazing if Mother Nature has a few less mood swings.
With my bushes ruined, I had to get my lilac fix elsewhere. Happily there are some homes in the town I work in that have lilac bushes. I take a walk on my lunch break whenever the weather is nice enough, and yesterday the rain had finally stopped and the sun peaked out now and then. I hit the sidewalk with my cell phone serving as my MP3 player and my ear buds blasting up-tempo music into my senses. There was a nice breeze to help cool my skin and the leaves were coming out on all the trees and I couldn't help but smile. Due to the erratic weather, the lilacs seem to be blooming at all different times so while one lilac bush I walk by was past its peak, another one I passed on my way back was in its full glory. It was in the yard of the American Legion and it was so beautiful I had to get closer. I walked up to it, cupped one of its overflowing clusters of blooms in my hands, closed my eyes and lowered my nose to breathe in their sweet fragrance. I grew up with tree-size lilac bushes behind my house and whenever I smell lilacs I'm taken back to those younger days when life seemed so much simpler. I could have stood there for hours enjoying those lilacs but alas I had to return to work before my break was over. So yes, I do actually stop to smell the flowers. In this busy life with its seemingly non-stop pace, I make sure I always take the time to press pause and enjoy the peaceful moments. Tomorrow is never guaranteed and now may be all we have. Every moment, every memory, every new experience, every lesson, every smile, every hug, every kiss...claim them, embrace them, and know that no one can ever take their power from your spirit. This past Sunday, May 6th, would have been my father's 71st birthday. I knew it wasn't going to be an easy day and in fact the weeks leading up to it were rough too. I tend to push certain thoughts away for as long as I can until they suddenly flood back to me and the dam breaks. Once that dam breaks it's hard to stop the tears so I hold it together for as long as possible. There are so many occasions and just daily events that make me miss my father. Taking walks through the woods, cooking the meals he showed me, having a rough day and desperately needing a hug from him. Barely a breath goes by where I don't long to hear him say "hey, beautiful" as he smiles warmly at me. I was always beautiful to him.
There was also a full moon this past Sunday and whenever I see the moon I think of my father. When I was a teenager he and I walked down to the park in the middle of winter to watch a lunar eclipse and I remember sitting on the swings with him listening to him talk about the stars and planets. My mother tells me that when I was little he used to take me out on his shoulders at night to say goodnight to the moon and while I don't remember that, my heart knows how sacred that is. So I went out Sunday night and stood in my back yard and waited patiently for the moon to rise over the hills. My black cat Owl kept me company as she nestled down in the grass and I eventually had to bring my dog Jazzmin out because she was displeased mama was outside without her. Having Jazz and Owl both out in the yard only created one instance of the dog trying to chase the cat and drag me after but once that was all straightened, life returned to calm. Watching the sky and clouds illuminated by the moonlight before it even cleared the hills was absolutely beautiful and for once it wasn't windy. I was chilled by the time the moon rose but seeing it full and bright warmed my heart and spirit. My father is always watching over his little girl and even through my tears I always see his kind face and feel his love for me in the light of the moon. I miss you, Daddy... Every weekday the alarm on my Droid phone goes off at 5am, inevitably bringing to an end whatever peculiar dreams I was having. The sun rises earlier and earlier as summer approaches but I'm still up and at it before its done yawning and stretching its way up over the hills. I love getting up early in the summer and watching the sky lighten with the dawn of a new day. Life is too precious to waste it lying in bed when nature is putting on such a glorious display. As the days get warmer (hopefully) I'm going to start walking my loyal pooch in these early hours and it will be interesting to see what examples of country creatures are out and about before the sun rises. Every day is an adventure here in the country and I do my best to take in and appreciate every new moment.
Today is my closest and longest friend's birthday and I wish we could get together and go dancing tonight. She and I both deserve a night of fun for everything we've gone through and the battles we continue to fight. I do believe in soul mates and she is mine. We understand each other so well and I hope she knows that I will always have her back! I am the kind of person who will be the most loyal friend you've ever known if you earn a place in my heart. Friendship goes both ways though and I'm not a doormat and I will not allow myself to be mistreated and used. I am pretty darn easygoing so losing my friendship takes some serious effort. I have walked away from few friendships in my life but my collection of friends is very small. I have a small loyal group of comrades who understand and love all my quirks. If you can't accept me for who I am and see that I shine with my own unique light then it is truly your loss. I do no say that out of conceit because I consider myself a fairly humble person. I am an unforgettable force and my memory will endure long after people mistakenly let me slip from their lives. Taio Cruz's song "Make It Last Forever" just came on from my playlist....so fitting. |
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