Yesterday was a very good day! My day was occupied writing a particularly unique ghost writing article that I may never live down among my friends. The day was also filled with laughs with my best friend via text. She and I understand each other so well and have so much yet to teach each other. I felt like a teenager again as I texted her because when we get together it's like no time has passed and we're 16 years old again. It's the best feeling in the world and allows both of us to forget the issues that come with being adults. Nothing beats knowing that we're never really alone in the world!
I spent the evening with my girls, playing outside and enjoying the lovely weather. My youngest and I had one of our usual interesting conversations about shapes in the clouds, why cats don't come when called and why I take my shoes off when I'm relaxing in my lawn chaise. Both my girls are constantly surprising me with how bright, beautiful and smart they are, and I know they have within them the best parts of me, though magnified a hundredfold and greatly improved upon. They are my greatest gifts in this world and I have faith they will achieve all their dreams, no matter what obstacles they face along the way. I'm pretty sure my stubborn determination is genetic after all... Once the girls were in bed for the night, I settled at my desk to finish my ghost writing article. I had a fresh cup of coffee to help me stay awake but was still having a hard time staying alert and focused on the subject matter. My thoughts started to wander to the following night which would begin four straight days of not seeing my girls at all when they go to their father's. It will be the first such stretch of the summer. It was extremely hard on me last year when the summer custody schedule began because it was my first time not seeing them at all and they had been the center of my whole universe for their entire lives. They're still the center of my universe but I've become better at dealing with being without them; though I will never be completely accepting of it. Amid fighting against a threatening downward swing, my east coast friend started texting me jokes out of the blue which caught me completely off guard. I started reading what he was sending and was immediately laughing so hard tears were running down my face. Talk about a reversal of emotions! I continued to write my article with welcome pauses to read the jokes and laugh, and the amusement kept me awake long enough to finish the work. I was so grateful for the unexpected and perhaps unintentional rescue, and it made my day of amazing positive experiences complete! I went to sleep still chuckling and filled with gratitude for the love my friends show me. It was an excellent reminder that even the lowest descent on the rollercoaster of life will eventually end, and the upward climb will begin once more. Keep looking where you want to go; keep looking up!
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"You need to learn to relax..." Words of wisdom from someone who at the time of saying them was probably rolling his eyes in exasperation. It isn't that I can't relax at all; it's that I relax about the wrong things and don't work hard enough at others. My worries and fears tend to rule my actions more than they should, and while the fact that I'm a woman gives me some leeway with that, it's not really a good way to live. I did my best to listen to him in that particular situation, took a deep breath and tried to have faith and trust that everything would be okay. As it turned out, things were just fine and I had once again wasted energy on counterproductive concerns. My belief that nothing in life should ever be taken for granted makes it difficult to sit back and trust that certain things in my life will remain constant. Doubting the strength and truth of those parts of my life just makes them weaker and that's the last thing I want. I haven't been very good at not taking certain other things for granted though and that has to stop. I've wasted far too much time thinking that somehow the future I want will just land in my lap and obviously that isn't going to happen. I had to work harder than I ever had before to gain my independence and while that left me perhaps understandably exhausted, I took far too long resting and found myself behind in my other goals. I know what I want in my life and I know that it's going to take true, unfaltering dedication on my part to get it. I have great friends that support and encourage me but they can't do the work for me, nor should they. I was going quite strong a few months ago and then I let my emotions get the better of me and fell behind again. I know we all stumble now and then but I did a pathetic job of picking myself back up and moving on. Instead I just stayed on my knees crying and wallowed in the pain of my cuts and bruises. I'd crawl a few steps and stop and expect someone to help me up...and that didn't really happen. Sometimes it's difficult for anyone to get through to me and it's entirely up to me to suck it up and move on. I have great strength and the ability to do whatever I put my mind to and now that I've picked myself up again, I'm going to make damn sure I don't stumble again. Time is such an unusual beast sometimes. It can pass so slowly and painfully, or speed by far too fast, or seem to have not existed at all. Never underestimate the amazing powers time possesses. After not seeing my friend for several months I expected to cry the moment I laid my eyes on him. To my surprise, I did not. Why? Because the moment I saw him again it felt like barely any time had passed at all and that it had only been mere days since we said goodbye. I only know one other person who I feel that way about and she is my best friend whom I have known for over 20 years. She and I knew each other for many years before life and distance separated us, whereas the friend I saw this weekend I haven't even known a year yet. It is an amazing familiarity to find twice in my life and one I feel blessed to have. My east coast friend and I are kindred spirits but we're certainly not exactly alike. He is a laid back and yet hard worker and I am an overly energetic creature who has trouble keeping focused. Wise people say that finding balance is important and I think he and I balance each other somewhat. We are both finding our way in this confusing, obstacle-filled world and we are both optimists. His strength is far more obvious and honed where mine tends to be hidden and disorganized. I do not believe I am completely hopeless though. He took me to a butterfly sanctuary and it was a wonderful experience! I love butterflies and they are very symbolic to me of hope and renewal. To see them all flying around in clusters, pairs and solo was truly beautiful. We were both using our camera phones to take pictures of the butterflies and I watched enviously as he would touch the screen on his phone to make his camera focus where he wanted it to. My phone has no such feature and an upgrade is not in the foreseeable future, so the pictures I took with it did not always focus on my intended subject. As I watched him touching to focus the picture, it reminded me much of what it takes to make me truly find my own focus. I need to be touched. Touching me physically and touching my heart is a powerful combination and it helps bring everything into focus for me. I feel like this wild, flickering light that's always bouncing around seeking a place to rest and never quite finding it. I glow brighter sometimes and grow dim during other times and I know that if I just focus my energy, I can harness the light within me and intensify it for the whole world to see. My friend and I parted after not quite a whole day together and it was not easy for me to say goodbye. I vowed that I would see him again and I will. Time is still weaving a complicated path for he and I and the timing itself still isn't quite right but I have hope and my eternal stubborn determination to help me through. Like a finger upon a touchscreen, I will touch to focus, trace a path through and over any obstacles in the way, and press on until my light glows so bright it's blinding. The air was very still tonight
The glow of fireflies the only light I heard a rumbling in the distance Mother Nature in her usual dance. A cloudy darkness, thick and warm Will be no drier after the storm And yet to breathe it in brings comfort For someone of the simple earthy sort. Bare feet upon upon a cool deck I step to the railing just to check What stretches beyond the open field And wonder what life will someday yield. The first big drops of rain start to fall I close my eyes, smile, enjoy it all My skin, my clothes, my hair all wet But I am not ready to go inside yet. There is something so cleansing about warm rain How it opens my heart and washes away the pain So many dreams I haven't claimed My spirit wild and forever untamed. I am a lover, fighter, champion and friend Who like the willow has learned to bend For in this life there are no rewards To those who never lay down their swords. There must be balance to keep things going To accept and understand that even hurt is worth knowing The lessons are not always fun And some battles can not be won. Every storm comes fierce and strong But such power and fury can't last long And when peace returns and turmoil is gone There will always be a brighter and more beautiful dawn. I love road trips, always have, always will. Most people don't seem to believe me when I say I love driving to new places and seeing new sights. I truly do. I get such a sense of freedom driving on the open highway in my four door Explorer and as it has a manual transmission, I like to pretend I'm behind the wheel of a real performance vehicle. That's a huge delusion because the thing is a dog and passing anyone with any speed usually involves shifting into 3rd of even 2nd. Oh well, it's a stick so it's still hotter than most other SUVs out there and when that baby is running right it serves me well on my drives. It has cruise control too and I usually remember that about an hour into my drive which comes in very handy. Someday I'll remember that detail at the beginning of a drive...
This Friday I'm driving east to see a friend I haven't seen in 7 months and I'm so excited! Considering all of my friends are at least two hours away, I don't get to see them as often as I'd like and the further away they are, the longer between visits. The friend I'm seeing Friday was the subject of my Bravery and a Big Heart blog and he is definitely worth the drive. He's a busy guy, so nailing him down to a date hasn't been easy, obviously. I'm bringing my lovable dog Jazzmin with me and I can tell she's already as excited about a road trip as I am. She doesn't know or care what the destination is, she's just eager to go on a trip with mama lol. Road trips always go faster with good music and I've downloaded some new tunes lately that are perfect for singing and car dancing along to. I'm very "old school" in that I still burn mix CDs to listen to in my car and tonight I'll be packing my 15 case with my musical selections. I know all about plugging MP3 players into cars and such but my vehicle only has a CD player and those radio transmitter things never sound as clean as just popping a CD in. Someday I'll get on board with all the modern technology but for now I use CDs that I occasionally have to blow off and rub on my pant leg when they start skipping. If it works for the most part and it isn't broken, that's how I roll. It all adds to my uniqueness and as I often say, perfect is impossible and normal is boring. My rough edges and smooth curves ;) are what make me, me. Today is my birthday. When I was younger birthdays were the best days ever, with family, friends, fun, cake and presents. These days birthdays for me are bittersweet celebrations. I am blessed to have two beautiful daughters, a loving family and devoted friends and I will never take any of that for granted. Still, I selfishly wish my friends could be with me today and I still long for a present I know I can't have: my father back. I know my father is always with me in spirit and that he's at peace now but I miss those great, strong, tangible hugs of his every day of my life. I'll hug my girls a bit tighter today, take a bit longer to part from my mother this evening when dinner is over, and enjoy the long distance well wishes from my friends while wishing that they were with me in person...
For the past several years I've had a really hard time coming up with things to put on a birthday list. It isn't that I don't know what I want; it's that the gifts I want can't be purchased at any store in the universe. I want simple happiness, fulfillment, a great future for my girls, my mother to live forever, my brothers to be the men they were meant to be, to share my books and paintings with the world, to be able to sing without going flat (a girl can dream lol), to never be a burden to those who love me, to always be able to make people laugh and smile, to be the beautiful sunshine my parents always saw in me...and to have a man who can love me as unconditionally as my father did and see my light even when I am in the darkest of shadows. Oh, and to have some flowers actually bloom in my wreck of a garden this year would be great too. Not too much to ask for, I think? Intangible gifts are so much harder to acquire than tangible gifts but truly priceless. All the shiny, pretty things in the world are nothing compared to the love of family and friends and it is an amazing blessing when you finally realize that. Today is my birthday but I am not so conceited as to claim an entire day as my own, so I wish all who read this a truly wonderful day full of everything that touches your heart and lifts your spirit. In my books I write about bold, brave, fearless men and women who are willing to do anything to save their family, the people they love and their land. As much as we women might wish otherwise, romance stories are more fiction than truth and we long wistfully for the fantasy to be real. Amazingly enough, reality can sometimes be even better than fiction and I was shown that yesterday morning.
I have a very dear long distance friend who has proven to me over and over that good men do exist and that they're not a dream any woman should give up on. How many of us have ever seen a person or animal in need and actually stopped to help? In today's world it is sad how so many people don't seem to care about the plights of others. Too often people continue with their lives thinking "oh the next person who goes by will help that poor creature." How about stepping up and being that "next person" for once? Being the person who cared is exactly what my friend did and I am so very proud of him! He was driving home from a class the other night, saw a mother duck and her babies on a busy highway and actually stopped to try and save them. It was too late to save the mother duck, but he still tried, and he managed to wrangle up a couple of the babies and get them to safety. Who knows how many people drove by him while he was trying to save those ducks and either didn't notice him, were annoyed he was disrupting traffic, thought he was crazy or envied his bravery. All that matters is that he has a big enough heart to even try and that he did it solely to help a creature in need. It was a truly selfless, loving and incredible feat and though he was heartbroken he couldn't save all the ducks, in my eyes he is a true hero. I have stopped to rescue butterflies, birds and turtles from the middle of a country road, tamed feral cats, placed wounded bats somewhere safely away from predators and helped corral runaway horses and dogs on more than one occasion, but I don't consider myself a hero. It is in my nature to try and help, it should be in all of our natures. Helping our fellow man and the other animals we share this world with shouldn't be seen as a choice, it should be seen as our obligation. After all, if you were the person in need, wouldn't you want someone to stop and help you? We all need rescuing at some point, we all need heroes and we can all be heroes. Open your eyes and heart and be brave, bold, loving and selfless. When you put positive energy out into the world it will return even stronger and in unexpected ways and prove that life is truly the most amazing adventure of all. |
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