History tends to repeat itself. Not just in big world events but in our lives and personal relationships. Sometimes it is a positive and beneficial thing and sometimes it is a negative and detrimental thing. Preventing history from repeating itself is definitely possible in certain circumstances. If we keep making the same mistakes and not learning the life lesson intended from the first time we made those mistakes, then we're allowing history to repeat itself. There are however many times when there's nothing we can do to stop history from cycling through again in an all too familiar way and that can prove rather frustrating. As much as many of us might wish it were otherwise, we can't control the universe. There are some who can quite possibly see the future but that doesn't mean they can really do anything to change it. What if the very thing they do to change the future creates that unwanted future? It is a conundrum often repeated in science fiction stories and movies and for good reason. Humans don't like feeling helpless. Uncertainty causes worry and fear and those are emotions no one truly enjoys. But accepting that certain things are beyond our control isn't easy to swallow either. This is where faith comes in... Faith is the belief that somehow things will all work out regardless of what we do or do not do. This is not a force that will somehow pay your bills if you don't send the money, that sort of thing is wholly within our control and should not be left up to the universe. Faith is a force for much bigger things. It and hope are what we cling to in our darkest hours when things look bleak and full of despair. If we do not hold on to that small sliver of belief that things will be okay somehow then we have given up and that accomplishes nothing. It is not just unseen forces that one need have faith in. Having faith in those who love us and believing that they will help us through our struggles is just as important. A tangible strength and support is a different level of comfort and reassurance than blind faith. If we start to doubt that those who love us will be there for us, then it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy as we push them away for fear that they'll abandon us eventually anyway. Not all of our loved ones will be there for us but those who are loyal without falter are the ones that truly matter in the bigger scheme of things. Having this sort of history with people makes for an enduring repetitive experience and creates the ties that truly bind us all together.
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We are all of us entitled to our opinion. It's part of having freewill. We can share that opinion with others but we should never expect them to accept it as the only real truth. Doing so is conceited, selfish and just plain stupid. There come moments in our lives when we all realize that it is better to hold our words than to speak them. Some of us realize that too late and the words have already been spoken and cannot be taken back. I am not trying to say that we should constantly censor ourselves, but it is wise to think before speaking. Really truly think through what you are about to say and try to decide if it holds actual merit. This is not something we can do all the time nor should we try to because it would be exhausting! It is however far more possible in this age of modern technology when so many of us communicate via text and email more than spoken word. Texts and emails are forms of instant communication but they do not always have to be used so. The written word is usually far more memorable than the spoken word. More often than not though, we let our text and email "mouths" get ahead of our brains and the consequences are not always pleasant. Fortunate are we that have friends we can blab anything to, written and spoken, even if it does not make sense and makes us later wonder what we were thinking. By doing that we actually learn who are real friends are because they are the ones who will listen to it all, mull it over and either let it pass as temporary insanity or give their own opinion on the matter. A different perspective on a problem can be ever so helpful! Those that know us best will know exactly how to get through to us, whether it is with kind words, a stern scolding or a kick in the butt. It is this give and take of thoughts and opinions that build strong and lasting relationships. Constantly trying to shove your own opinion onto someone else will soon make them deaf to your words. This foolish pursuit means that should there ever come a time when you have something worthwhile to say, it will no longer matter. It is never a bad thing to pause a moment, take a breath and think before you speak, fire off a text or send an email. Rethink what you're about to say, reread your words; try to consider the implications of your words. We cannot always do this when our emotions get the best of us but we can always learn from our mistakes. I often hear my father's voice in my head telling me to "be patient" when it's the last thing I want to be but when I haven't heeded his words I've stumbled into unpleasant situations and worked myself up about nothing. Words of caution are usually words of wisdom and it is within each of us to find the ability to listen. My road trip to Boston with my best friend and her very good friend was amazing! We had such a fun time on the drive out and made memories we'll be talking about for years. The Friday night we got in was one of the best nights of my life as my Massachusetts friend met my NY friends and we all hung out for a while. I felt like I was actually part of something for once and it was the most wonderful something! I felt wanted and loved...and was teased until I blushed down to my toes. For far too brief a moment in time I wasn't the isolated, solitary and forgotten-feeling creature I am in New York State. I was a bubbly, vivacious, confident and sarcastic woman who felt as if she could accomplish anything she put her mind to because she had such incredible friends backing her up. I still have those friends backing me up but now almost a month later and without such physical contact, I admit that I feel lost. The time I spent with my Massachusetts friend was far too brief but somehow the warmth seeing him again filled me with carried into the next day. I remember telling my best friend as we walked the streets of Boston that I was happy because I was content in my heart. I had been reunited with the friend I'd thought I'd lost forever and I was back in the city I loved and life felt right and whole. I showed my NY friends all the places I'd visited during my first trip and I took all the pictures I'd forgotten to before. I saw new parts of the city and I experienced it after dark and I just never wanted to leave. I now know with great certainty that Massachusetts is my home and it is where my heart longs to forever be. Returning to the quiet country life was harder than I anticipated. After parting from my best friend and our mutual friend Sunday afternoon I started crying in my car. I didn't want to go back to my existence of time spent mostly alone with my dog. I love Jazzmin, don't get me wrong, but I think we all need and desire human contact more than just at work or out on errands. Problem is that I don't really fit in where I live and that all my friends live far from me. I realize that it is entirely within my power to shape the future for myself that I want and that I know will bring myself and my daughters genuine happiness and fulfillment. I know what I have to do, I've known for over a year what I have to do. The excuses must stop and I must follow my heart; even if in the end the path my heart takes doesn't quite travel where I expected... Growing up I read Marvel comic books and it was always interesting to me when there would be a crossover between two of the comics. There were combos like X-Men and Ghost Rider or X-Men and The Punisher and I enjoyed learning about comic book heroes that were new to me. Despite their attempts otherwise, X-Men was always a lighter comic so bringing in dark characters like Ghost Rider and Punisher certainly made for some unique story developments! As I prepare for this Friday's road trip to Massachusetts my life will be entering its own cross over chapter. My two blogs might in fact overlap because of it and that's a very good thing. I am going on this road trip with my best friend in the whole world, Crystal and our mutual friend Eldridge whom she's known since grade school. Eldridge is a brave man for volunteering to be stuck in a car with Crystal and I for the 7+ hour trip! Crystal and I have a unique chemistry when we're together and we amplify each other's personalities to the brightest and bubbliest of essences. I have always tended to be the darker, more sarcastic one while she is the lighter, more blunt one. One thing is guaranteed when we get together though, that we'll laugh so hard we can't breathe and have tears running down our cheeks. Finding that level of fun connection with someone is an absolute blessing! One of the most amazing things about this trip is that my longtime friends will finally be able to meet one of my long distance friends. If you've been reading my Massachusetts story you've heard me talk about the man that started it all. I wasn't certain the day would ever come when my best friend would meet him and I'm so happy that it will actually happen! It will no doubt be an interesting and amusing cross over story and I am eager to see how it all plays out. Chances are pretty good that Crystal and I are going to drive both men nuts, but hey, that's why women exist, isn’t' it? My father was a great man. He wasn't perfect by any means but as I say, perfect is boring and quite honestly, unattainable. What made my father great was his kind heart, caring nature, quirky sense of humor, passion for and knowledge of history, and most importantly, the love he had for his family. That love lives on even though he has departed this world and every day his spirit touches me in some way. I am a mere shadow of the person he was but I strive every day to attain such greatness. I expected last week to be tough and it certainly had its low moments but they were countered by some amazingly unexpected high moments. Life has tested me over the past couple months and given me challenges I managed to overcome even though I stumbled a bit. My faith in certain things left me but my hope for those same things remained. This past week I was shown that even though I lose faith and succumb to the darker side of shadows, faith never completely gives up on me. Hope is a very powerful force and it is intertwined with faith whether we realize it or not. There was one thing I could not give up on, despite saying I had and trying to convince myself I had. I can't explain why I didn't give up, why I couldn't let go, aside from the fact that I just didn't want to. There was perhaps a different reason, a deeper meaning behind my inability to release that last little bit of hope. Whatever the reason, a great gift was bestowed upon me last week and it proved to me that I have the most amazing best friend in the world! It also showed me that shadows are not something to be feared because they can not exist without light. So while I expected my path last week to go one way, it went a completely new way and in a lovely upward direction. I still had sad moments where the tears from missing my father flowed freely, but amid those moments the love of my friends and family shined through, lifted me up and kept me strong. I learned to smile again and I laughed without restraint and I sang loudly and off key in my car to songs that I hadn't wanted to hear anymore until that moment. My oldest daughter noted that I was going around the house singing my snippets of show tunes again and when I asked if it bothered her she said "No!" For her to say that tells me that I was lower than I realized. The 10 year old girl who had always rolled her eyes and grumbled when her mother sang "I feel pretty" was now smiling at the sound of my voice and that was yet another blessed gift. I am one person but I am made better and held together by the spirits of my family and friends. I shall never take that for granted again and I will pay heed to my father's voice in my head when he tells me "Be patient." Slow down, breathe, relax, have faith, hold hope and continue on the path and the rewards will always be surprising. I was texting my best friend yesterday evening and I jokingly told her that I should write a self-help book entitled "Don't Cry with Makeup On." It really is good advice actually. The reason I recommended removing your makeup before crying is not because I'm concerned your mascara will run or your blush will streak, but because it hurts! It hurts crying with makeup on because the stuff gets in your damp eyes and burns! I've made the mistake of crying after I applied anti-wrinkle cream more than once and that pain is even worse! Alpha hydroxy and tear ducts do not get along. I do understand that fits of crying do not always wait until one is safely home and free of the day's makeup but if you can make it home after a rough day and know the tears are coming, whip out the makeup remover towelettes and take that important first step. Wait to apply anti-aging cream until after...if you can even still see where your eyes were. I am not implying that only women cry, I know men cry even if they won't admit it. Do I think everyone cries as much as I do? Certainly not. Do I think there's something wrong with me because I cry as much as I do? Heck no! I held a majority of my emotions inside for most of my life, especially the negative ones. I had no problem expressing joy, amusement, excitement but sadness, forget it. I knew once I let that dam break it would never be whole again and I feared the weak, worthless creature I'd become. Here's the kicker though, it isn't weak to cry; it's called being human. If we weren't meant to feel then we wouldn't have been blessed with emotions. Yes, I said blessed. Me, the woman who now cries at the drop of a hat so well she could star in an overly dramatic soap opera, believes that emotions are a blessing. Do not misconstrue what I'm saying and think that I'm sad all the time because I'm not. I have accepted though that there are certain things that I can't think about without crying. My father's death, my mother still without a man who loves her, my oldest daughter's sensitivity, my youngest daughter's developmental delays, my friends' pain, my myriad of creatively broken hearts, my constantly misbehaving car...these things make me cry. I don't cry because I've given up hope, I will never do that, I cry because I feel. Feeling is good and don't let anyone tell you otherwise! There may be times in your life when you have to store away emotions until they can be tackled at a time you have more strength and that's fine. Just remember to tackle them first or they will overcome you. None of us can really master our emotions completely, it's like trying to tame a wild animal. That wild animal might be sweet and cute as a domestic pet until one day their instinct takes over and they remember the wildness in their blood that enabled them to survive and evolve. Never forget that we humans are animals too and we are constantly evolving and if we do it right, we evolve into better versions of ourselves. A good cry really can do wonders and if you have a shoulder to cry on, that's even better. I have friends who are there in spirit offering their shoulder and that is a great thing. I also have my lovable pup Jazzmin who is always at my side when I cry and she never minds if I get her fur all wet as I hug her. She will also lift her paw for a friendly shake as if to say "I understand, Mama, now give me some paw" and that always makes me smile and laugh. Having a friend, lover or pet who can make you laugh amid your tears is a huge bonus. Laughter is an expression of joy and it is just as vital as expressing sadness. Do not wallow in your sadness, that is not its purpose of being. Sadness is a cleansing emotion and expressing and releasing it facilitates the arrival of more light and energy into your spirit and your life. The sun always breaks through the storm eventually and when your tears dry (and the puffiness of your eyes diminishes) you will finally be able to clearly see the beauty of the sky above and accept all the gifts bestowed upon you. I believe I've probably mentioned this in previous blogs, but I don't do things the usual way. If there's a normal, set path for doing something then I most assuredly deviate and blaze a new trail with my machete of determination. I set a goal and it is vivid in my mind and within my power to obtain and so I pursue it every way I can figure out how. As I'm traveling the new path, I think up all these ideas and aspects of my goal that were not immediately visible to me and I then have to find bridges over occasional pitfalls. Luckily for me, I was blessed with a clever and intelligent mind that continues to amaze me and I am always able to build that bridge and find the light in total darkness. I have never been and will never be, an average girl. Average is boring and predictable and I am vivacious and spontaneous. We are all of us extraordinary, if we just take the time to stop and look inside ourselves and realize what makes us all unique. I highly doubt following the rules brought success to any of the great trail blazers in history and being timid just means you get shoved aside out of the path of braver folks. I don't take being pushed aside well and I certainly don't abide by being overlooked and forgotten. To that end I've learned not to let certain things faze me and to accept that when someone fails to see my potential, it is a failing on their part and not my own. I'm tough and I'm strong but I am also very loving and expressive. It really is all about finding balance. In my quest for my dreams, I have posted the first of many installments in my Massachusetts story on the page appropriately named "Massachusetts." It truly is my story and not a fictional tale meant to draw in audiences. Writing fiction is far safer and what I'm accustomed to but playing it safe only seems to hold me back. You can certainly get to know an author through their fictional characters because they are all extensions of the writer, but I thought for now I'd just skip ahead and let you know the real me. My beloved English teacher told me in 11th grade that I should write my autobiography and I remember thinking he was crazy. I was only 16, what did I know of life yet? Turns out, he knew what he was talking about and finally at 35, I'm taking his advice. I regret that he has passed and is not here to witness my transformation from shy girl to brave, bold, determined, stubborn, strong woman but I know that his spirit is impressed and continues to cheer me on. Thank you, Derek, I promise I'll make you proud! Nothing in this life is certain and that is the only thing I'm certain of sometimes. Uncertainty and the fear of the unknown used to cause me great worry and anxiety but I think I've finally realized that some things are just beyond my powers to control or understand. I know how strong I am, I know who I love, I know what I want from life, I know where I've come from and I know where I don't ever want to be again. The ground still falls out from under me sometimes and my heart still breaks but I've learned how to hover and that my heart will eventually somehow miraculously heal itself. I have this crazy idea for my future but to me it makes perfect sense. I am motivated and determined and I will achieve it. My original reason for seeking this new future has become clouded with annoying uncertainty and so I've altered my reasons in order to make a bridge over the unknown. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that what I do, I have to do for myself. I can't do things because they'll please someone else or bring me physically closer to someone. Being in closer proximity to a person doesn't mean I will be any closer emotionally to them. So instead, I focus on why I want to be where I will someday be. I will be closer to so many things I love and want to experience in my life and I know they will fill my heart and spirit and make unrequited love a thing of the past. I have never been directly asked this but I have asked my friends a similar question many times. What inspires me? My biggest inspiration is my father. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss him with all my heart and wish he was still on this world. I know he is at peace now but there have been so many times when his little girl desperately needed his words of wisdom, his unconditional love and his wonderful bear hugs. I don't presume to know how anyone else who has lost their father feels, but I know how I feel. Losing him left an emptiness inside me that will never quite be filled but also uncovered a strength in myself I wasn't aware I possessed. He was such a good man and a true example of what every person should strive to be. His big, kind heart, sense of humor, accepting nature, easygoing temperament and great love for his family inspire me every day and in everything I do. I will continue to make him proud because though I've faltered and lost my way sometimes, I know he has never lost faith in me and that he is proud of everything I've accomplished. I am inspired by my mother and the strong, fiery nature I inherited from her and continue to build on. From her I learned to fight for what I want because I'm the only one who truly knows how to obtain my desires. She taught me that sometimes you just have to grab on and pull really hard or push and shove with all your strength to achieve the desired results, but the rewards are definitely worth it! I am inspired by my best friend because she is one of the most amazing people I've ever met and she loved and accepted me when no one else in this world would. She has a formidable power within her to bring happiness and joy to everyone she meets. As she comes into her own and gains victory in her battles, her light will only grow brighter and radiate stronger until nothing will ever again be able to dull her shine. I am inspired by my other close friend who isn't afraid to take brave leaps into the unknown and follow her heart. I admire her youthful wisdom and she has taught me so much and continues to humor my "adorable" naivety. I am inspired by my dear friend and his courageous heart, his devotion to his family and friends, his patience, his infinite spirit and his compassion. I am not entirely certain he realizes what an exceptional person he is but I do. No matter what happens between us, I will always consider him a good man and a beloved friend. There are so many other things that inspire me but alas, I've run out of time this morning to continue writing. For the moment I am still this lone woman in the country who is obsessed with the sky, endures unrequited love in stride while sharing her big heart with every creature she meets and whose writing voice is still mostly undiscovered. But that is all just momentary and not eternal. Soon the country will give way to busier streets and water views and an excitement to life I have only imagined. My future destination can't quite comprehend the whirlwind in store for it when I arrive... In the same spirit of going overboard, I dream big. I have this awesome imagination and ability to envision all my dreams as reality. This skill helps me immensely in my writing and in my life. There have been so many times when I've been down in the darkness but my vision for the future has brought the light to me and kept me strong and sane. The path I'm on now is one I can't turn from and don't want to stray from but that doesn't mean I'm not just a little afraid. As many times as I've done something brave, bold and slightly crazy, I've never undertaken a mission quite as large as the one I'm on now. Self-doubt has held me back from so many things but this time I'm embracing the fire within me and using it to "save the universe" as I keep telling my friends. I do almost all of my daydreaming and future-envisioning to music and usually while I'm driving in my car blasting my latest mix CD or out walking with my earbuds in. I've come up with tons of story ideas while dream driving and walking and it always makes me eager to get back to my computer and write them all out. While I continue to work on my books and create the stories for them, I'm also working on my own story. The life I currently have is one I built off the resources someone else owed me, but the life I want for my near future and beyond I will build completely on my own. I had to settle for "this will have to do" out of necessity and a desire for my freedom but I refuse to settle any longer. There are so many aspects of this world that I love and so many people that I love and I am determined to bring it all together. I've loved the ocean for as long as I can remember, so I shall set sail and live closer to it. Visiting big cities has made me yearn for the excitement there, so I will make them more accessible to me. I've always wanted to take dance lessons in a big group, so I will put myself where the people are. The new people I've met in the past year have sparked my curiosity and desire to try new physical activities, so I will journey to where those opportunities exist. I will free myself up to spend more time with my long distance friends. I will make a future for my girls without limits, I will help everyone I love pursue their passion and experience a life of freedom. As you can see, I have a lot to do! The list grows longer every day but I know I can accomplish it all. I was blessed with my artistic gifts for the greater good and it's past time I achieve my potential. Through it all though I shall remain humble and grateful for all that I have. I will never forget where I've come from and all I've fought through to get where I am now. Where I am now is just a stepping stone on the bigger path and it's time to conquer the mountain! When I decide to do something and really commit myself to it, there's not much that can stop me. I've had lots of crazy ideas in my life and big dreams and while some of them have reached fruition, many have not. That's something I'm working very hard to change in my life. The only one who can really stop me from succeeding is myself. My friends encourage me while the realities of life try to hold me back and it is entirely up to me and within my power to focus only on the positive energy and filter out all the negative noise. Sometimes life drags me down a bit but I continue to rise above it and move on. The wonderful thing about having friends who listen to my rambling is that even if they don't always respond to what I say, I feel better having expressed myself. I do also sometimes regret sharing my feelings in the "heat of the moment" because when that heat fades, I look back and wish I'd just taken a deep breath, noted of my emotions, and realized that it was just a passing issue. I suppose that's how we all learn though. If none of us made mistakes then life would be very boring and I simply don't do boring. I often tell my dear friend that I'm never dull and I make life interesting. For him I might make life too interesting sometimes but he continues to roll with it. After he sent me pictures of the little indoor nurseries he had going, I decided I was finally going to overcome my brown thumb and plant a garden this spring, but I didn't just start with a few plants. I purchased 10 seed packets of various flowers and my girls and I planted them in dishes indoors until they sprouted and the weather warmed up. Did I save those seed packets so I'd know what I planted? Nope. Did I plant the seeds in neat little rows? Nope. I dumped them in the soil and mixed them around like a cake mix. If I was going to garden, I was going to go overboard and plants tons of things in the hope that something would eventually bloom. To my total amazement, the seeds sprouted and as soon as I'd dug up my plot outside and spring finally arrived, the little seedlings went into the ground. There have been more than a few hiccups along the way, and my friend saying more than once "just keep at it" but there are finally things resembling flowers growing in my garden! It's a bit of a disorganized arrangement of mystery elements...just like me. I have tons of big ideas and when I get my momentum really going, I kind of steamroll my way through. I truly am a wild force to be reckoned with and as I unleash more of my artistic creativity, my energy will only grow stronger, and perhaps a little crazier. I have so many big dreams and goals for my future now and so much that I want to do and I genuinely believe I am on the precipice of great things! I don't usually take the traditional route to achieve what I want but I get there eventually. The best journeys are often the most exciting and unpredictable ones. |
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