Nothing in this life is certain and that is the only thing I'm certain of sometimes. Uncertainty and the fear of the unknown used to cause me great worry and anxiety but I think I've finally realized that some things are just beyond my powers to control or understand. I know how strong I am, I know who I love, I know what I want from life, I know where I've come from and I know where I don't ever want to be again. The ground still falls out from under me sometimes and my heart still breaks but I've learned how to hover and that my heart will eventually somehow miraculously heal itself. I have this crazy idea for my future but to me it makes perfect sense. I am motivated and determined and I will achieve it. My original reason for seeking this new future has become clouded with annoying uncertainty and so I've altered my reasons in order to make a bridge over the unknown. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that what I do, I have to do for myself. I can't do things because they'll please someone else or bring me physically closer to someone. Being in closer proximity to a person doesn't mean I will be any closer emotionally to them. So instead, I focus on why I want to be where I will someday be. I will be closer to so many things I love and want to experience in my life and I know they will fill my heart and spirit and make unrequited love a thing of the past. I have never been directly asked this but I have asked my friends a similar question many times. What inspires me? My biggest inspiration is my father. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss him with all my heart and wish he was still on this world. I know he is at peace now but there have been so many times when his little girl desperately needed his words of wisdom, his unconditional love and his wonderful bear hugs. I don't presume to know how anyone else who has lost their father feels, but I know how I feel. Losing him left an emptiness inside me that will never quite be filled but also uncovered a strength in myself I wasn't aware I possessed. He was such a good man and a true example of what every person should strive to be. His big, kind heart, sense of humor, accepting nature, easygoing temperament and great love for his family inspire me every day and in everything I do. I will continue to make him proud because though I've faltered and lost my way sometimes, I know he has never lost faith in me and that he is proud of everything I've accomplished. I am inspired by my mother and the strong, fiery nature I inherited from her and continue to build on. From her I learned to fight for what I want because I'm the only one who truly knows how to obtain my desires. She taught me that sometimes you just have to grab on and pull really hard or push and shove with all your strength to achieve the desired results, but the rewards are definitely worth it! I am inspired by my best friend because she is one of the most amazing people I've ever met and she loved and accepted me when no one else in this world would. She has a formidable power within her to bring happiness and joy to everyone she meets. As she comes into her own and gains victory in her battles, her light will only grow brighter and radiate stronger until nothing will ever again be able to dull her shine. I am inspired by my other close friend who isn't afraid to take brave leaps into the unknown and follow her heart. I admire her youthful wisdom and she has taught me so much and continues to humor my "adorable" naivety. I am inspired by my dear friend and his courageous heart, his devotion to his family and friends, his patience, his infinite spirit and his compassion. I am not entirely certain he realizes what an exceptional person he is but I do. No matter what happens between us, I will always consider him a good man and a beloved friend. There are so many other things that inspire me but alas, I've run out of time this morning to continue writing. For the moment I am still this lone woman in the country who is obsessed with the sky, endures unrequited love in stride while sharing her big heart with every creature she meets and whose writing voice is still mostly undiscovered. But that is all just momentary and not eternal. Soon the country will give way to busier streets and water views and an excitement to life I have only imagined. My future destination can't quite comprehend the whirlwind in store for it when I arrive...
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There have been many times in my life when I've run up against the problem of not having enough experience to qualify for a certain job. The only way to really earn experience in any job or task though is by doing it. So it becomes a frustrating circle of my potential employers wanting experience but me not having the right experience because no one will hire me. In every situation I have been fortunate enough to find people who were willing to take a chance on me and I assure you, they've never regretted it. I am a fast learner, I am efficient and I have a personality that meshes well with other people. Despite the title of one of my previous blogs, I really do play well with others and I have been told that my smile can light up a whole room and brighten the day. Such compliments make me blush, intensify my glow and cause my confidence to shoot through the roof! Yesterday I took the first of many chances on the new path I've chosen for my life. My belief in myself as a great writer grows stronger every day and I have accepted that I've been given my creative gifts for a bigger purpose than I am able to understand right now. My recurring dreams of ocean and river views, the smell of salt water, the sounds of buoys dinging in the waves and those same waves lapping against docks and shores, assure me that I am on the right path. In my dreams I'm walking among historic buildings and beautiful surroundings that I've seen only in photographs. I wake up every morning feeling confident that I will soon be seeing and touching all those elements from my dreams and I am so eager to write about each new feeling they evoke within my writer's mind and heart. I imagine myself walking among quaint shops and breathtaking houses, along boardwalks, over bridges and upon the shore as I take endless photographs and scribble furiously in my notebook trying to capture it all in pictures and words. I long for the day when I first breathe in and feel the breezes upon my skin and witness the pale sunrise and vivid sunset of my future destination. My heart has been calling me from this new destination for almost a year now and all the background noise clouding my focus has finally quieted so that I can now answer that call. Anyone who has ever seen pictures or read about a place and thought "When I am there, I will finally be home." will understand what I'm doing and know that my crazy idea isn't crazy at all. I welcome such kindred spirits into my life and I invite you to follow your dreams and tag along with me as I achieve my own. The warm sun of my heart's home will soon be shining upon my face and I will be sharing my smile and spirit with a place that is truly, and fittingly, a crossroads of past and present. I am a big believer in signs. I like little breadcrumbs along the path to help me know I'm headed in the right direction. My internal compass malfunctions sometimes too and sends me in circles so a little extra guidance is a bonus. My curiosity leads me to explore various new and interesting things and I'm always gaining new knowledge. For someone as expressive as I am, it's nice to have cool facts rattling around in my brain that can pop out at weird and unexpected times. I was always amazed with my father's ability to pull up cool information when we were out and about. He always gained my immediate attention when he would say "Did you know that..." I learned so much from him and I always wanted to be like him. Turns out that I am in fact quite a lot like him. When I'm out with my daughters or my friends and I see something that sparks the memory of an article I read, I find myself uttering the words "Did you know that..." I love to share what I've learned and while I can never be certain if the people I'm with actually listen to what I prattle about, I prattle on anyway. Recently a couple of my searches produced rather interesting and coordinating results that I took as signs. I was digging through my numerous desk drawers looking for notes on the book I'm writing and while I didn't find the notes, I did find 15 forever postage stamps I had almost forgotten I owned. This immediately sparked some ideas within my mind as to what I could use those stamps for and none of those ideas were as boring as mailing bills. I pay everything online anyway so that would just be silly. I knew I could use those stamps to get my name and talents out into the world somehow but I didn't quite know how. I placed the stamps on top of my desk and began poking around online for information important to where I want my future to lead. This search led me to beautiful pictures and intriguing details about somewhere I already love despite the fact that I've never physically been there. I've visited there through pictures from my dear friend and in my daydreaming and I began to see that my creative talents could help more people love the area as much as I do. Suddenly everything clicked in my brain and it became clear to me where these new signs were leading me. I know exactly what I'm going to use those stamps for and I've set my plan in motion. I've started my own personal campaign to achieve my dreams and I call it "15 stamps to Forever." Some people might dismiss all that has happened as coincidence and I understand that and accept that everyone has their own beliefs. For me though, the signs are helping me follow my heart. I believe in love and the power of dreams and if you do too I invite you to follow me on my journey... In the same spirit of going overboard, I dream big. I have this awesome imagination and ability to envision all my dreams as reality. This skill helps me immensely in my writing and in my life. There have been so many times when I've been down in the darkness but my vision for the future has brought the light to me and kept me strong and sane. The path I'm on now is one I can't turn from and don't want to stray from but that doesn't mean I'm not just a little afraid. As many times as I've done something brave, bold and slightly crazy, I've never undertaken a mission quite as large as the one I'm on now. Self-doubt has held me back from so many things but this time I'm embracing the fire within me and using it to "save the universe" as I keep telling my friends. I do almost all of my daydreaming and future-envisioning to music and usually while I'm driving in my car blasting my latest mix CD or out walking with my earbuds in. I've come up with tons of story ideas while dream driving and walking and it always makes me eager to get back to my computer and write them all out. While I continue to work on my books and create the stories for them, I'm also working on my own story. The life I currently have is one I built off the resources someone else owed me, but the life I want for my near future and beyond I will build completely on my own. I had to settle for "this will have to do" out of necessity and a desire for my freedom but I refuse to settle any longer. There are so many aspects of this world that I love and so many people that I love and I am determined to bring it all together. I've loved the ocean for as long as I can remember, so I shall set sail and live closer to it. Visiting big cities has made me yearn for the excitement there, so I will make them more accessible to me. I've always wanted to take dance lessons in a big group, so I will put myself where the people are. The new people I've met in the past year have sparked my curiosity and desire to try new physical activities, so I will journey to where those opportunities exist. I will free myself up to spend more time with my long distance friends. I will make a future for my girls without limits, I will help everyone I love pursue their passion and experience a life of freedom. As you can see, I have a lot to do! The list grows longer every day but I know I can accomplish it all. I was blessed with my artistic gifts for the greater good and it's past time I achieve my potential. Through it all though I shall remain humble and grateful for all that I have. I will never forget where I've come from and all I've fought through to get where I am now. Where I am now is just a stepping stone on the bigger path and it's time to conquer the mountain! When I decide to do something and really commit myself to it, there's not much that can stop me. I've had lots of crazy ideas in my life and big dreams and while some of them have reached fruition, many have not. That's something I'm working very hard to change in my life. The only one who can really stop me from succeeding is myself. My friends encourage me while the realities of life try to hold me back and it is entirely up to me and within my power to focus only on the positive energy and filter out all the negative noise. Sometimes life drags me down a bit but I continue to rise above it and move on. The wonderful thing about having friends who listen to my rambling is that even if they don't always respond to what I say, I feel better having expressed myself. I do also sometimes regret sharing my feelings in the "heat of the moment" because when that heat fades, I look back and wish I'd just taken a deep breath, noted of my emotions, and realized that it was just a passing issue. I suppose that's how we all learn though. If none of us made mistakes then life would be very boring and I simply don't do boring. I often tell my dear friend that I'm never dull and I make life interesting. For him I might make life too interesting sometimes but he continues to roll with it. After he sent me pictures of the little indoor nurseries he had going, I decided I was finally going to overcome my brown thumb and plant a garden this spring, but I didn't just start with a few plants. I purchased 10 seed packets of various flowers and my girls and I planted them in dishes indoors until they sprouted and the weather warmed up. Did I save those seed packets so I'd know what I planted? Nope. Did I plant the seeds in neat little rows? Nope. I dumped them in the soil and mixed them around like a cake mix. If I was going to garden, I was going to go overboard and plants tons of things in the hope that something would eventually bloom. To my total amazement, the seeds sprouted and as soon as I'd dug up my plot outside and spring finally arrived, the little seedlings went into the ground. There have been more than a few hiccups along the way, and my friend saying more than once "just keep at it" but there are finally things resembling flowers growing in my garden! It's a bit of a disorganized arrangement of mystery elements...just like me. I have tons of big ideas and when I get my momentum really going, I kind of steamroll my way through. I truly am a wild force to be reckoned with and as I unleash more of my artistic creativity, my energy will only grow stronger, and perhaps a little crazier. I have so many big dreams and goals for my future now and so much that I want to do and I genuinely believe I am on the precipice of great things! I don't usually take the traditional route to achieve what I want but I get there eventually. The best journeys are often the most exciting and unpredictable ones. I went to the lake Friday evening after work. There were storms rolling in from the south and while it was warm and humid, the strong winds off the lake kept my skin cool. I love being by the water and while I prefer the ocean waves, lake ripples will do for now. As it was such a nice summer night, there were plenty of people walking the sidewalks of the lake park, enjoying the fenced in beach and cruising around in boats. I had my hair down and was wearing one of my summer dresses and while the wind thoroughly tangled my long tresses, it only tried to blow my skirt up a few times. I stood by the shore looking down the lake for quite some time and was rewarded by several flashes of lightning off in the distance. The storm never came any closer than that but it certainly made for a beautifully tumultuous sky. I eventually left my spot by the shore and walked the gravel paths that outline that northern area of the lake. I am often a quiet observer in life and I passed many people as I walked. There were couples and families and owners walking their dogs and I soon realized that I was the only person there alone. Watching the couples and families walk by, I noticed that many of them didn't even seem to be enjoying having company. The couples were talking about this, that and the other thing without even holding hands and the families were busily trying to wrangle kids and appearing rather frustrated with that endeavor. I wonder how many of them ever took just one moment to savor the blessings they have in their life and breathe in everything around them. I wasn't truly alone as I walked. I carry so many people within my heart and thoughts of them keep me company. My father's spirit is forever near his little girl and I knew he would've been enjoying the windy evening at the lake as much as I was. Had my best friend been with me we would've been talking at high speed and giggling about our long history together. Just thinking of her made me smile. The man I love is never far from my thoughts and his company in my heart is truly all I have of him most of the time. I took several photographs trying to capture it all and hoping that some of them would come out decent enough to share with him later. He does actually know what he's doing with a camera and I am envious of how he so effortlessly expresses a moment in a photograph. I eventually found myself standing at the end of one of the boat docks facing into the wind and smiling. The sun had long ago disappeared behind the gray and blue clouds and the waves were growing more turbulent as the storms circled the area. I closed my eyes and brought thoughts of all those I love to the surface of my mind and felt my emotions swirling in my heart. They are always with me and I sent my love out to them so that they will know that I am forever with them. Until we can all be physically together, joined in spirit will suffice and it keeps me strong enough to work toward that eventual amazing meeting of all those I hold dear. I've been slacking and haven't taken Jazzmin on a good walk in a while. It's been too warm or too buggy...or some other stupid excuse. Well it was cooler last night and the nastiest of the biting flies have died out for the summer so off we went! As usual, Jazz was raring to go, but as I'm teaching her not to pull, we stopped five times before we even made it to the end of my road. The local bunnies were testing her obedience by munching happily away in the shoulder of the road and while Jazz wanted to chase the adorable little fluffy things, I kept her under control and made her sit until they hopped off out of sight. That distraction dealt with, we resumed our stride. The air was a little thick but there was a nice breeze to help cool the sweat and I decided I'd take Jazz halfway up the biggest hill on our walk route. The sun had nearly set and neither of us was at our aerobic peak anymore so it seemed like a reasonable plan. We got halfway up without any trouble and I paused just a moment before deciding we were going to conquer the whole hill. Halfway had been easy enough and we weren't overly winded and continuing the uphill climb didn't seem daunting at all. After all, we'd done it many times before... I quickly remembered that the hill gets much steeper after the halfway point as my calves and thighs burned and Jazz's tongue began to drag on the ground. She certainly wasn't pulling anymore and we were both panting but we kept going at our strong pace and sure enough we made it up! The view of the surrounding countryside is amazing from the top of that hill and it's like stepping into a whole new world. I was very proud of myself and my breath soon returned. No one was there cheering me on or pushing me to go all the way up and Jazz would have been fine turning around, but I'm just not someone who can go halfway. Even if it seems crazy and risky, I go all the way and I'm constantly testing my own limits and discovering my own strength. In order to be a source of strength for those I love, I have to first be strong myself. I have to have faith that somehow things will be okay. As I told my best friend last night, there are more dimensions to faith than there are stars in the sky. My friend has told me that with Jazz I need to be the leader, he says it's up to me to show her the way. Have confidence, he says. Great words of advice for much more than training my pup! I admit that my confidence can waver on occasion and it really never should because I know in my heart that I am an amazing woman and that I can handle, and have handled, anything life throws at me. Life lessons are rarely easy and they hurt, but I know that when I keep going and push through the pain, all the suffering will be healed by the bright, beautiful light that forever shines through the darkness. Growing up, the teacher comments on my report cards have said various things. "Works well under pressure." "Needs to participate more." "Works well independently." Hmm, perhaps that last one was a nice way of saying that I don't play well with others. That's a somewhat harsh interpretation of my personality but it gets the gist. I actually do play well with others and I enjoy being in fun social groups but my inherently shy nature can make it difficult for me to make new friends. On the opposite spectrum of that, when I do open myself up, I tend to reveal too much and it can be a bit overwhelming for potential friends. I can't help it, it's how I am and in order to be my friend you have to understand and accept every unique and quirky piece of me. I don't believe in keeping parts of my personality secret in order to win more people to my side. All I can ever be is genuine, 100% me. I may never be hip and up to date on the latest slang and phrases but it's apparently amusing to be with me and witness everything I don't know. People seem to find it difficult to comprehend that a woman my age has limited knowledge of certain things and a naivety that seems to contradict the years I've been on this world. Truth is that I'm proud of the innocence I still possess and the optimism in my spirit that life still hasn't crushed out of me, and never will be taken from me. I still wake every day to the songs of the birds and know that each dawn brings a fresh start and new endless potential. Each and every moment, even the ones that challenge all of us, is a gift to be cherished. Sorrowful tears one moment turn into laughter in the next breath, and the warmth of the sun banishes the coldest and darkest of days. Shine! People love my dog Jazzmin. Wherever I go with her, whether it's on a walk over the hills where I live or on a road trip, random strangers come up to me and tell me how beautiful she is. I've even had people stop their cars in the middle of the road to say what a pretty dog she is and ask me what breed she is. My answer varies depending on the situation but there is never any doubt about how much I love her. The simplest answer is that Jazzmin is a mutt...just like me. She is a blend of many breeds and they've all come together to make the sweetest, most loyal creature I have ever met. I like to think people who know me realize that I possess those very same qualities. Upon meeting Jazz for the first time, my dear friend said that she is just a dog version of me. While he was mostly referring to her energy, over-exuberance and tendency to resist control, I hope he was also referring to her more lovable qualities. I told my best friend last night that I strive to be like Jazz. I want to be the kind of creature that people stop their cars in traffic to notice and admire. I certainly don't want to cause any accidents or anything but sometimes I do long for a bit more attention. Even saying that makes me feel somewhat selfish and conceited but it is the truth. I don't think anyone wants to be ignored and forgotten for their entire life. Being ignored and forgotten is something Jazz will certainly never be. She simply won't allow it! No matter where I walk in my house, she is right behind me like my shadow. I appreciate her loyalty but it makes turning around abruptly somewhat tricky and we've almost had a mama and pup pileup more than once. When I work at my computer she lays right behind my chair and come 9pm she starts pacing back and forth from the bedroom to the living room/office looking longingly at me with eyes that say "bedtime mama?" She is not pleased with my later hours recently and she usually gives up trying to put me to bed by 10pm and goes in my room and onto her bed to begin snoring away. Jazzmin never skimps with her love; she loves everyone she meets. She always wants to go say hi to new people and dogs and I admire her extroverted nature. I imagine it's all part of being a dog, that seemingly limitless happiness, friendliness and curiosity. Now that I have my pup, I don't honestly know how I survived without her. She is my constant source of love and comfort. She gives me hope that if a dog can love me that much and gravitate toward the kind heart within me, then perhaps someday the man I share my love with will feel that same pull. Every time I step outside my house I am greeted by the song of my local house wren. He can actually be heard even when the windows are closed, his song is so high, trill and persistent. I first heard him in March as he hopped among the branches in the pine tree that towers over my house in the front yard. I didn't realize what he was up to until I went out to fill the feeder in that tree one day and discovered the perches on it stuffed with pine tree twigs and feathers. I briefly considered removing the twigs but then decided to just remove the cap of the feeder so he could get his twigs into the fake little plastic house easier. That front feeder had never been particularly popular with the birds and I admired his determination. I did some research on house wrens and learned that the males create several nests in the hopes that they'll be able to persuade a female to mate with them. In the human world it might be equivalent to a man coming up to a woman and saying he has six lovely homes in different scenic locations and she can pick whichever one she likes most, if she'll just agree to be his for a while. Depending on the woman, she might slap the man or pause and contemplate the possibilities. Regardless, the male house wren certainly isn't lazy and should be admired for his effort. I decided I'd help improve his odds by hanging the birdhouse my daughter painted last year in the pine tree in the back yard. Sure enough, within a few days the thing was stuffed to overflowing with twigs and grass. Every day without fail he's out there twittering away as he flies from the front pine tree to the back pine tree singing out hopefully for a female. This has been going on for months now and the poor guy still hasn't found a mate. I haven't heard the answering call of a female house wren even once and I truly feel for the little feathered bachelor. Apparently even in the animal world, finding love can be a real challenge. I often wonder what it is about this male that the females find lacking. Do they think he's not strong or handsome enough? Well they're wrong there because I've seen him up close and he has nice plumage and gets rather feisty when I investigate one of his nests. I have no doubt he will stoutly defend his family when the time comes. Is there simply a shortage of female house wrens locally? This is a distinct possibility since I haven't seen a single potential mate for him yet. Perhaps he should try flying further afield to increase his chances. After all, one never knows where love will be found and the quest for it can lead to places never seen before. Maybe, just maybe, if he spreads his wings a little wider, musters the full power of his courage and journeys outside his usual territory, he will find exactly what he's looking for. I have great hope for him and look forward to someday seeing eggs in one of his many nests. I understand his plight, for while I do not use my voice to sing out for my love, I call to him with my spirit and my heart and I continue to believe that there will come a day when we are together. Until then, I will continue to work on my nests and fly around trying to navigate the unpredictable winds of life. |
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