My daughters start writing up their Christmas lists in the late summer after their birthdays have passed. I completely understand their excitement because obviously I was a kid once too. I usually don't even look at their Christmas lists for they are shared with both sides of their family and chances are my ex's family will get a majority of the things on them. I prefer to pick out things for them that I know they will like but that they might never think of. I believe that there should be an element of surprise about Christmas. I love my girls and I want them to enjoy their childhood, so while I remind them that the holiday is not about getting material things, I know they are still a bit too young to fully comprehend that. I have faith that it will come in time. I personally haven't made a Christmas list in many years. I can never think of anything I truly want or need that's so worth having someone should buy it and wrap it for me. I have grown used to just getting what I need when I need it. I feel trivial and materialistic when I ask for things I want. So if I do actually make a list I tend to put on it necessities like extra power cords or printer paper or other such less than personal items. I was married for many years and in all that time my ex only gave me something I actually wanted and didn't ask for a handful of times. Had he truly known me and understood what was important to me he might have had better luck. But that was not to be and he has someone new now and perhaps she makes more sense to him than I ever did. Regardless, I am quite happy with my freedom. I would never put this on any list but there will always be one thing I want as a gift: to have just one more day with my father. I would ask him all the questions I never took the time to and I would swiftly type up all of his answers so I could read them over for the rest of my life. Then I'd want to go on a walk with him and my daughters and show him around my house and where I live and introduce him to Jazzmin. Judging by her occasional random barks into the kitchen and at the front door, Jazz has already met my father and he apparently likes playing with her. I always welcome the visits his spirit makes upon me but I so long for one of his really tight bearhugs. While I may sometimes make up wishlists of random things I don't want to forget I need, I do not see myself ever writing up another true Christmas list. What I want is intangible really and won't fit under any tree or in any stocking. I truly cherish being with my family on the holidays and while I wish I could be with my friends too, they are so far from me that has yet to happen. It is enough for now that my friends are with me in spirit and only a text, email or phone call away. I have big dreams of someday having a grand holiday party in my future home in Massachusetts. I'll invite all my closest friends and fly them out if necessary and heck, I'll even invite the whole neighborhood! The holidays are about being surrounded by love and that is something that will never fit in a colorfully wrapped box tied with a pretty bow.
0 Comments
When I think about the holidays I think of stringing colored lights around my house, putting up my 15 year old fake tree, baking cookies and going to parties. I don't actually know why I still think about holiday parties because I haven't been to one in years. The friends who used to host them are no longer my friends, the only company party I went to was for my ex-husband and where I work hasn't had one since the first year I worked there. And yet I still think longingly of getting all dolled up in a nice dress, wandering around the hotel reception room looking at the Christmas decorations, listening to live piano music and of course enjoying all the appetizers and buffet food being served. I should probably let such silly notions go but I still hope that someday I have holiday parties to attend again. An even bigger wish is to be in Boston for New Year's Eve some year...or every year. I've never been in a city during such a time and I imagine I'd find it both scary and exciting. On my Twitter feed I'm reading all about the numerous New Year's Eve parties that happen in and around Boston and I yearn to go. I wanted to go last year too but I couldn't swing it and this year I can't either. Maybe next year... My closet is full of lovely shirts, skirts and dresses that would be great for a holiday party! Yet nowadays when I get dressed up it's just for an in-home photo shoot for some new profile pictures. All dressed up with nowhere to go definitely applies to me. It probably seems silly to add to a collection of clothing I don't wear but sometimes I can't resist. Like this past weekend when I was at the mall with my daughters just for something to do. I've seen tons of women wearing those really high platform-style heels (I call them hooker heels, I won't lie) and I was curious to see if I'd actually be able to stand in them. So with my oldest groaning about how ridiculous her mother was being, I took my girls into Payless, found the 8 1/2 aisle and saw a pair of sparkly silver heels. Just looking at them I knew they'd be the death of me but I gave it a shot anyway. I put one on and literally stumbled and almost fell over. My oldest was quite amused. Holding onto the shoe shelves for balance I then put on the other heel and that didn't help my steadiness at all! I felt 7 feet tall and it was inconceivable to me that women walk in those things when I could barely stand! My oldest bragged that she'd tried them on in a woman's size 6 and could stand and I just rolled my eyes. I promptly removed the heels before I broke both my ankles and returned them to the shelf. That's when a pair of sparkly blue non-hooker heels caught my eye. Blue is my most favorite color and those heels were such a pretty shade that I had to try them on. As they had what I consider a reasonable heel, I was able to stand and walk in them and this doesn't happen often, but I fell in love with those shoes. They were on sale for 20 bucks so I decided they would be my Christmas present to myself. My oldest groaned because I still have no occasion to wear them for and nowhere nice to go but I am hopeful that someday that will change. Dorothy had her ruby red slippers that took her home; perhaps if I click my sparkly sapphire heels together they'll take me to a party. Never hurts to wish... My road trip to Boston with my best friend and her very good friend was amazing! We had such a fun time on the drive out and made memories we'll be talking about for years. The Friday night we got in was one of the best nights of my life as my Massachusetts friend met my NY friends and we all hung out for a while. I felt like I was actually part of something for once and it was the most wonderful something! I felt wanted and loved...and was teased until I blushed down to my toes. For far too brief a moment in time I wasn't the isolated, solitary and forgotten-feeling creature I am in New York State. I was a bubbly, vivacious, confident and sarcastic woman who felt as if she could accomplish anything she put her mind to because she had such incredible friends backing her up. I still have those friends backing me up but now almost a month later and without such physical contact, I admit that I feel lost. The time I spent with my Massachusetts friend was far too brief but somehow the warmth seeing him again filled me with carried into the next day. I remember telling my best friend as we walked the streets of Boston that I was happy because I was content in my heart. I had been reunited with the friend I'd thought I'd lost forever and I was back in the city I loved and life felt right and whole. I showed my NY friends all the places I'd visited during my first trip and I took all the pictures I'd forgotten to before. I saw new parts of the city and I experienced it after dark and I just never wanted to leave. I now know with great certainty that Massachusetts is my home and it is where my heart longs to forever be. Returning to the quiet country life was harder than I anticipated. After parting from my best friend and our mutual friend Sunday afternoon I started crying in my car. I didn't want to go back to my existence of time spent mostly alone with my dog. I love Jazzmin, don't get me wrong, but I think we all need and desire human contact more than just at work or out on errands. Problem is that I don't really fit in where I live and that all my friends live far from me. I realize that it is entirely within my power to shape the future for myself that I want and that I know will bring myself and my daughters genuine happiness and fulfillment. I know what I have to do, I've known for over a year what I have to do. The excuses must stop and I must follow my heart; even if in the end the path my heart takes doesn't quite travel where I expected... |
AuthorMy words are like my brush strokes, I'm never quite sure where they'll flow to and when they'll stop. Categories
All
Archives
May 2013
|