History tends to repeat itself. Not just in big world events but in our lives and personal relationships. Sometimes it is a positive and beneficial thing and sometimes it is a negative and detrimental thing. Preventing history from repeating itself is definitely possible in certain circumstances. If we keep making the same mistakes and not learning the life lesson intended from the first time we made those mistakes, then we're allowing history to repeat itself. There are however many times when there's nothing we can do to stop history from cycling through again in an all too familiar way and that can prove rather frustrating. As much as many of us might wish it were otherwise, we can't control the universe. There are some who can quite possibly see the future but that doesn't mean they can really do anything to change it. What if the very thing they do to change the future creates that unwanted future? It is a conundrum often repeated in science fiction stories and movies and for good reason. Humans don't like feeling helpless. Uncertainty causes worry and fear and those are emotions no one truly enjoys. But accepting that certain things are beyond our control isn't easy to swallow either. This is where faith comes in... Faith is the belief that somehow things will all work out regardless of what we do or do not do. This is not a force that will somehow pay your bills if you don't send the money, that sort of thing is wholly within our control and should not be left up to the universe. Faith is a force for much bigger things. It and hope are what we cling to in our darkest hours when things look bleak and full of despair. If we do not hold on to that small sliver of belief that things will be okay somehow then we have given up and that accomplishes nothing. It is not just unseen forces that one need have faith in. Having faith in those who love us and believing that they will help us through our struggles is just as important. A tangible strength and support is a different level of comfort and reassurance than blind faith. If we start to doubt that those who love us will be there for us, then it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy as we push them away for fear that they'll abandon us eventually anyway. Not all of our loved ones will be there for us but those who are loyal without falter are the ones that truly matter in the bigger scheme of things. Having this sort of history with people makes for an enduring repetitive experience and creates the ties that truly bind us all together.
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My daughters start writing up their Christmas lists in the late summer after their birthdays have passed. I completely understand their excitement because obviously I was a kid once too. I usually don't even look at their Christmas lists for they are shared with both sides of their family and chances are my ex's family will get a majority of the things on them. I prefer to pick out things for them that I know they will like but that they might never think of. I believe that there should be an element of surprise about Christmas. I love my girls and I want them to enjoy their childhood, so while I remind them that the holiday is not about getting material things, I know they are still a bit too young to fully comprehend that. I have faith that it will come in time. I personally haven't made a Christmas list in many years. I can never think of anything I truly want or need that's so worth having someone should buy it and wrap it for me. I have grown used to just getting what I need when I need it. I feel trivial and materialistic when I ask for things I want. So if I do actually make a list I tend to put on it necessities like extra power cords or printer paper or other such less than personal items. I was married for many years and in all that time my ex only gave me something I actually wanted and didn't ask for a handful of times. Had he truly known me and understood what was important to me he might have had better luck. But that was not to be and he has someone new now and perhaps she makes more sense to him than I ever did. Regardless, I am quite happy with my freedom. I would never put this on any list but there will always be one thing I want as a gift: to have just one more day with my father. I would ask him all the questions I never took the time to and I would swiftly type up all of his answers so I could read them over for the rest of my life. Then I'd want to go on a walk with him and my daughters and show him around my house and where I live and introduce him to Jazzmin. Judging by her occasional random barks into the kitchen and at the front door, Jazz has already met my father and he apparently likes playing with her. I always welcome the visits his spirit makes upon me but I so long for one of his really tight bearhugs. While I may sometimes make up wishlists of random things I don't want to forget I need, I do not see myself ever writing up another true Christmas list. What I want is intangible really and won't fit under any tree or in any stocking. I truly cherish being with my family on the holidays and while I wish I could be with my friends too, they are so far from me that has yet to happen. It is enough for now that my friends are with me in spirit and only a text, email or phone call away. I have big dreams of someday having a grand holiday party in my future home in Massachusetts. I'll invite all my closest friends and fly them out if necessary and heck, I'll even invite the whole neighborhood! The holidays are about being surrounded by love and that is something that will never fit in a colorfully wrapped box tied with a pretty bow. When I think about the holidays I think of stringing colored lights around my house, putting up my 15 year old fake tree, baking cookies and going to parties. I don't actually know why I still think about holiday parties because I haven't been to one in years. The friends who used to host them are no longer my friends, the only company party I went to was for my ex-husband and where I work hasn't had one since the first year I worked there. And yet I still think longingly of getting all dolled up in a nice dress, wandering around the hotel reception room looking at the Christmas decorations, listening to live piano music and of course enjoying all the appetizers and buffet food being served. I should probably let such silly notions go but I still hope that someday I have holiday parties to attend again. An even bigger wish is to be in Boston for New Year's Eve some year...or every year. I've never been in a city during such a time and I imagine I'd find it both scary and exciting. On my Twitter feed I'm reading all about the numerous New Year's Eve parties that happen in and around Boston and I yearn to go. I wanted to go last year too but I couldn't swing it and this year I can't either. Maybe next year... My closet is full of lovely shirts, skirts and dresses that would be great for a holiday party! Yet nowadays when I get dressed up it's just for an in-home photo shoot for some new profile pictures. All dressed up with nowhere to go definitely applies to me. It probably seems silly to add to a collection of clothing I don't wear but sometimes I can't resist. Like this past weekend when I was at the mall with my daughters just for something to do. I've seen tons of women wearing those really high platform-style heels (I call them hooker heels, I won't lie) and I was curious to see if I'd actually be able to stand in them. So with my oldest groaning about how ridiculous her mother was being, I took my girls into Payless, found the 8 1/2 aisle and saw a pair of sparkly silver heels. Just looking at them I knew they'd be the death of me but I gave it a shot anyway. I put one on and literally stumbled and almost fell over. My oldest was quite amused. Holding onto the shoe shelves for balance I then put on the other heel and that didn't help my steadiness at all! I felt 7 feet tall and it was inconceivable to me that women walk in those things when I could barely stand! My oldest bragged that she'd tried them on in a woman's size 6 and could stand and I just rolled my eyes. I promptly removed the heels before I broke both my ankles and returned them to the shelf. That's when a pair of sparkly blue non-hooker heels caught my eye. Blue is my most favorite color and those heels were such a pretty shade that I had to try them on. As they had what I consider a reasonable heel, I was able to stand and walk in them and this doesn't happen often, but I fell in love with those shoes. They were on sale for 20 bucks so I decided they would be my Christmas present to myself. My oldest groaned because I still have no occasion to wear them for and nowhere nice to go but I am hopeful that someday that will change. Dorothy had her ruby red slippers that took her home; perhaps if I click my sparkly sapphire heels together they'll take me to a party. Never hurts to wish... No one should complain that there weren't enough warnings about Hurricane Sandy and what a huge threat she posed to the Northeast United States. I know that all the publicity about it certainly got me riled up and worried! I was more worried about my friends in NYC and Massachusetts than I was about where I lived. I expected horribly high winds, torrential downpours, flooding tides and all sorts of mayhem. My worry powers were in full force and my friends were all advising me to stop worrying so much. Really nothing unusual. I stayed home from work yesterday because my youngest daughter wasn't feeling well. She'd had the energy of a wet washcloth the day before so I didn't think it was wise to send her to school. She perked up a bit yesterday though and it was nice being home with her just like the good old days when I was a stay at home mom. My pup Jazzmin was worried about me because I was worried and my very dog expert friend told me I needed to calm down so she'd relax. Well Jazz and I had no problem relaxing on the couch for much of the afternoon enjoying quality snuggle time the likes of which we haven't had since last winter. My youngest perked up considerably and played with toys and actually ate so I knew she was feeling better. Back to the storm! The winds began picking up here in the afternoon just as predicted. I was concerned because they were northerly winds and all the advisories kept saying that tree root systems around here aren't used to northerly winds so the potential for them toppling was higher. I have several large trees in my yard, one of which is a towering pine tree right on the north side of my house. I didn't enjoy the thought of it blowing over and potentially wiping out my deck, my car or half my house. I moved my car out of its potential path just in case and hoped that the towering pine was strong enough to hold its own. The wind was a bit gusty but certainly nothing worse than I've experienced here before. The rain was off and on but nothing really concerning. The weather reports kept saying the worst was yet to come though so I was still bracing for the worst. Fortunately we'd had power all day and I was crossing my fingers that it would remain on. I was getting the girls ready for bed and then poof! Power was gone! I groaned in dismay because my youngest is afraid of the dark and it's rather tricky finding flashlights it utter darkness if you don't remember where you last laid them down. My oldest and I found the flashlights which helped us find some other battery powered lights to illuminate the darkness. I ended up going in the basement and digging out some Halloween LED light up ghosts for the girls to use as nightlights and I think I did an awesome job improvising. I only hoped the lights lasted through the night or until power was restored. I was awakened two hours later by the various beeps and whirs that accompany power being restored in my house. I was very happy it had been restored so quickly! I then stumbled around in the unexpectedly bright lights and turned everything off from earlier before returning to bed. The power remained on and when my phone alarm went off at 5am I came out in the living room and was confused by the amount of light coming in through the windows. I opened my deck door and was greeted by a glimpse of the nearly full moon glowing amid the swiftly moving clouds. I smiled at the sight of it and thanked all the powers that be that for me anyway, Hurricane Sandy turned out to be much ado about not that much. My father was a great man. He wasn't perfect by any means but as I say, perfect is boring and quite honestly, unattainable. What made my father great was his kind heart, caring nature, quirky sense of humor, passion for and knowledge of history, and most importantly, the love he had for his family. That love lives on even though he has departed this world and every day his spirit touches me in some way. I am a mere shadow of the person he was but I strive every day to attain such greatness. I expected last week to be tough and it certainly had its low moments but they were countered by some amazingly unexpected high moments. Life has tested me over the past couple months and given me challenges I managed to overcome even though I stumbled a bit. My faith in certain things left me but my hope for those same things remained. This past week I was shown that even though I lose faith and succumb to the darker side of shadows, faith never completely gives up on me. Hope is a very powerful force and it is intertwined with faith whether we realize it or not. There was one thing I could not give up on, despite saying I had and trying to convince myself I had. I can't explain why I didn't give up, why I couldn't let go, aside from the fact that I just didn't want to. There was perhaps a different reason, a deeper meaning behind my inability to release that last little bit of hope. Whatever the reason, a great gift was bestowed upon me last week and it proved to me that I have the most amazing best friend in the world! It also showed me that shadows are not something to be feared because they can not exist without light. So while I expected my path last week to go one way, it went a completely new way and in a lovely upward direction. I still had sad moments where the tears from missing my father flowed freely, but amid those moments the love of my friends and family shined through, lifted me up and kept me strong. I learned to smile again and I laughed without restraint and I sang loudly and off key in my car to songs that I hadn't wanted to hear anymore until that moment. My oldest daughter noted that I was going around the house singing my snippets of show tunes again and when I asked if it bothered her she said "No!" For her to say that tells me that I was lower than I realized. The 10 year old girl who had always rolled her eyes and grumbled when her mother sang "I feel pretty" was now smiling at the sound of my voice and that was yet another blessed gift. I am one person but I am made better and held together by the spirits of my family and friends. I shall never take that for granted again and I will pay heed to my father's voice in my head when he tells me "Be patient." Slow down, breathe, relax, have faith, hold hope and continue on the path and the rewards will always be surprising. My father's 68th birthday, 5/6/2009 October. It used to be my favorite month. Halloween was/is my favorite holiday because of the mystical aspects of it, not because of the scary aspects. I like black cats, flittering bats, full moons and magic. The magic of October has weakened for me though and now it is a month I just try to get through. Ever since my father died in October of 2009, I dread October. My father died on a Wednesday and for a very long time Wednesdays were horrible for me. They're still not my favorite day but I don't believe they're cursed anymore. I've had some very good things happen on Wednesdays in the past year and I try to focus on that. I always try to focus on the positive but it isn't always easy. Holidays without my father are painful. His birthday, family birthdays, Father's Day and all the big holidays have lost so much of their warmth without him. I still remember how happy he was on his last birthday when I frosted the cake in a cute if not exactly artistic way. I loved making his birthday cake because he always made mine when I was growing up. I was returning the love and thoughtfulness he always bestowed upon me. Three years. Sometimes it feels like three seconds. I'm back in that moment on that Wednesday sitting at my old kitchen table with my mother sitting across from me in tears as she tells me that they took him off life support and he passed that afternoon. I still remember that small flicker of hope within me that made me believe for just a moment that she'd tell me that he'd started breathing on his own. He hadn't. His spirit was still strong but his body had endured too much and he couldn't physically fight anymore. I understood, I did, but I still cried and it still hurt worse than having a knife twisted in my heart. My father was gone. I would've given anything to have him back. I remember hugging my father for the last time. Oh how I wish I'd hugged him tighter and longer! I told him I loved him like I always did when I left my parents' house. I couldn't imagine then that I'd never be able to hug him again in my lifetime. For several months after his passing I didn't want anyone touching me, I didn't want anyone close. I felt I'd failed him somehow and that letting anyone touch me would just bring more pain. I didn't truly have that choice though, I had two very important people that needed my touch and care every day: my daughters. Without my daughters I wouldn't have had the strength to get out of bed every day. As much as I wanted to pull the covers up over my head and wallow in sorrow and darkness, I couldn't. I was a stay at home mom and they depended on me and it wasn't within me to fail them. I am so truly blessed that I have my girls, they saved me. Losing my father brought several things to light in my life. I realized that life was too short to waste being unhappy and afraid. I no longer wished to be an unappreciated doormat for my then husband and so I sought divorce. I knew I'd need to provide for myself and my daughters so I went back to work. I wanted a place of my own without memories of a failed marriage so I started looking for a house. All rather drastic measures to take for a girl who was still trying to figure out who she was without the physical presence of her father. I felt my father's love for me and his strength within me and I still do. As desperate as I am to hug him just one more time, I know that isn't possible but I also know that he will never truly leave his little girl. I did not set out on an easy road after my father died. I did not remain safely within the sheltered cave that had become my life up until that point. I sought a brighter light and a better future and I do not regret any of it. I am happy with my life and I feel I'm doing a pretty good job. Yet I will admit that something is still missing. Though it might be easier for me to give up on love after everything I've been through, I can't. Despite the fact that every man who has hugged me since my father died has only brought me heartache, I still believe a good man exists for me. A man like my father who can love and accept me unconditionally and who can share his heart with me without qualms or fear. I have loved men but that love has never truly been returned and so I keep searching. When I connect with someone I do not entirely believe it is just coincidence. Everything happens for a reason. Every connection comes from something deeper, some kindred spirit. Each connection begins a new quest and I am ever hopeful for the future. It will happen when it is meant to and then the bigger picture will finally and completely make sense. I have faith. After my oldest brother and I moved the big heavy washer and dryer into my basement this past Saturday I didn't really have the energy to tackle my shelving project until the next day. I slept in until the nice late hour of 7am Sunday morning and then shuffled about for an hour or so trying to completely wake up. It was still overcast at 7am but Jazzmin's internal doggy watch apparently felt it was time to wake Mama up so she was at the side of my bed staring at me until I acknowledged her existence. I enjoyed my breakfast and then decided to tackle the shelving project. I opened up the box my drill came in and groaned at my stupidity for not charging the battery the day before. Curious, I pressed the trigger and was pleasantly surprised to find that the battery had come fully charged. Apparently I'm not the only DIYer out there who lacks foresight. I then gathered up all the tools necessary for the job including the shelves, brackets, supports, level, drill and 3/8" drill bit and headed into my youngest daughter's bedroom. My oldest daughter helped put up cute wall clings over my youngest's bed and I didn't really want to rearrange them because they never stick right the second time. I managed to find a spot for each bracket that did not interfere with the clings and that would provide proper support for the shelves. I set about mounting the brackets which first involved using my level to make sure they were straight and the same distance from the ceiling. I then made marks with a pencil until I somehow managed to lose that pencil in my daughter's bedroom and was forced to get another one. I also managed to misplace two screwdrivers that I didn't find again until the project was done. In the process of climbing up and down off the bed and in and out of the room to fetch things I discovered that it's not only possible, but highly likely that I will step on a bright orange and black cordless drill even though it isn't in my direct path on the floor. I stepped on the drill and the drill bit several times and I don't recommend doing so. I would've put the drill up somewhere except then I'm certain I would have managed to somehow lose it. I do believe I've mentioned before that I am not grace personified. Drilling the holes for the wall anchors was enjoyable in that using power tools always makes me feel rather rawr. My little drill didn't have as much oomph as bigger ones but it worked. Making the holes was actually the easy part, cramming the anchors in was a bit of a pain. Next time I'm choosing my own anchors because the ones that came with the brackets had to be squished down and shoved in and by the time I was done, my finger strength was about gone. Live and learn like always. When the brackets were mounted I stepped back and was pleased to see that they actually looked level and evenly spaced! I then grabbed my shelf supports...and discovered that they didn't fit the shelves. Ugh. So much for the employee at the home improvement store actually being "helpful." I was dismayed that I couldn't finish the project right then but I already had plans to meet a friend for lunch and there just happened to be another home improvement store near the restaurant. I showered the sweat off, dressed and headed to the store and sure enough, they had the right length and style of shelf supports. I returned home from lunch with my friend and quickly finished the shelving project. I then began artfully arranging my daughter's plethora of toys and stuffed animals on the shelves. I made her favorite toys easily accessible and put the ones she probably forgot she owned on the higher shelf knowing I could always get them down if she wanted. I then made her bed with fresh sheets and comforter and tidied a bit more and stepped back to admire my work. I was certain she'd be pleased with the results and I was indeed quite proud of myself. There had been a couple minor snafus but nothing I couldn't handle. When I brought my daughters home later that day I suggested that my youngest check out her room and she eagerly stripped off her coat (throwing it on the floor) and ran into her bedroom. My oldest was on her heels and I smiled when they both expressed how surprised and pleased they were with the shelves. My youngest immediately began doing stuffed animal roll call and was soon happily playing on her bed. I sat on the bed with her while my oldest went to do more "mature" 10 year old girl things and we all had a lovely rest of the day. This single white female can do it herself and the rewards are well worth it! This coming Saturday, August 25, 2012 will be the one year anniversary of me buying my own house. Not bad for a girl who never thought she would see her name solo on the deed to a property. You see, I got married at 21 years old and I thought I'd already achieved the fairy tale and that I was set for life. I was wrong about that. That fairy tale was not what I thought it was but as I'm a writer, I figured out how to rewrite my own happily ever after. I learned that there isn't just one "happily ever after" but several and they never end. Not unless you want them to. Last April I moved out of the house in the country that I'd picked out and lived in for 9 years and into a much smaller apartment. I never realized how much stuff I'd accumulated over the years until I went to move it all. Thankfully, my new apartment had a garage and a full basement, otherwise I don't know where I would have put all of my belongings. Moving from a two story house with 1800 square feet, an open floor plan, three bedrooms and one and a half baths into a two bedroom apartment with under 1000 square feet and a single bathroom was quite an adjustment. But it was an adjustment I happily made because it meant I was free. Free of being told what to do, free of being belittled and mocked, free of obeying rules I had no part in setting up. I would have lived in a box under a bridge by that point to achieve my freedom. I don't think my daughters would have gone along with that idea though. I moved a majority of my boxes of stuff on my own via several full loads in my trusty Explorer. My apartment was less than 10 minutes from my old house and some nights I'd take 2-3 trips back and forth as I prepared to finally escape. I wanted to be fully moved out by the time the separation papers were signed and I pretty much was. I was essentially starting over so I also had to purchase and assemble most of my furnishings. Did you know that you can buy a non-futon couch in a box? Well now you do. My friend and I assembled my little couch and as I know all the parts involved in it, I am certain of its stability. I got really good at assembling storage cabinets and bookshelves too and could probably still do that in my sleep. I was literally exhausted for the first month after moving into my apartment. Problem was, I was also suffering from insomnia. I'd just made the biggest transition of my life to that point and my mind was on overdrive as it filled with worry and uncertainty. This was not the life I'd imagined for myself and my daughters, what if I screwed it up? My first night alone in the apartment without the girls was extremely hard. I remember crying on my kitchen floor with my two lovable cats rubbing up against me thinking their mama was going to suffocate if she didn't breathe at some point. I can still feel that cold tile floor pressing into my skin as I write this and feel that ache in my heart. Being unable to see my girls every day and night has grown easier but as I was a stay at home mom and they were my entire world for 9 years, it will never be completely acceptable to not have them with me. So I lived in that apartment and it was nice enough but it drove me nuts having to share walls with people. My old house had over 3 acres of property and the apartments shared a small yard area which did not compare at all. I quickly began to feel like I would suffocate if I had to live there forever. I'd been looking for a house since before I moved out but my realtor and I hadn't had any luck. Living in that apartment made me realize that I could do just fine in smaller square footage than my old house, just as long as I had some space to breathe! That realization proved very useful as it helped me re-examine what I needed in a house. Two bedrooms was insufficient because the girls sharing a room meant they stayed up giggling until way past their bedtime so I knew I needed three bedrooms. Sharing a single bathroom was tricky with three females but we managed so that was fine. As long as my future house had a basement or garage for storage, I'd be set. There had been a home for sale for as long as I'd been looking but I kept dismissing it because it had under 1000 square feet. I decided to look at it closer and when I saw that it was on 1.4 acres, I concluded that the spacious outside would make up for the smaller inside. The people had moved out months ago and it was move-in ready. Several families of mice had in fact, already moved in as my cats later discovered. I looked through it with my realtor and I fell in love with the spacious yard, flat driveway (a truly rare gem in the hills where I live) large side deck, recently redone kitchen and blue paneling in the living room. Blue is my favorite color and I'd never seen blue paneling before so I was hooked. Two of the bedrooms were good sized with the third one being somewhat small but I knew my youngest would be more than happy just to have her own room. My mind made up, I put in an offer and the sellers accepted. I was thrilled! The idea of moving again five months after moving into my apartment was not exactly exciting but I knew I could do it. Between putting in my offer and finally closing, I think I gave the bank everything except a DNA sample. It was all worth it though. My name alone was on the deed, my divorce was final and everything I did with my house was completely up to me. Just typing the words "my house" is an empowering thing! Being a homeowner has certainly come with its own unique and surprising challenges. I've met them all and figured it out and I will continue to do so. I love my little house and I've made it my home but I have also learned that it is just another "happily ever after" on the road to many more. There is far more to my future than being a woman living alone in the middle of nowhere country and I look forward to all my future destinations and the adventures that await me. Nothing in this life is certain and that is the only thing I'm certain of sometimes. Uncertainty and the fear of the unknown used to cause me great worry and anxiety but I think I've finally realized that some things are just beyond my powers to control or understand. I know how strong I am, I know who I love, I know what I want from life, I know where I've come from and I know where I don't ever want to be again. The ground still falls out from under me sometimes and my heart still breaks but I've learned how to hover and that my heart will eventually somehow miraculously heal itself. I have this crazy idea for my future but to me it makes perfect sense. I am motivated and determined and I will achieve it. My original reason for seeking this new future has become clouded with annoying uncertainty and so I've altered my reasons in order to make a bridge over the unknown. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that what I do, I have to do for myself. I can't do things because they'll please someone else or bring me physically closer to someone. Being in closer proximity to a person doesn't mean I will be any closer emotionally to them. So instead, I focus on why I want to be where I will someday be. I will be closer to so many things I love and want to experience in my life and I know they will fill my heart and spirit and make unrequited love a thing of the past. I have never been directly asked this but I have asked my friends a similar question many times. What inspires me? My biggest inspiration is my father. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss him with all my heart and wish he was still on this world. I know he is at peace now but there have been so many times when his little girl desperately needed his words of wisdom, his unconditional love and his wonderful bear hugs. I don't presume to know how anyone else who has lost their father feels, but I know how I feel. Losing him left an emptiness inside me that will never quite be filled but also uncovered a strength in myself I wasn't aware I possessed. He was such a good man and a true example of what every person should strive to be. His big, kind heart, sense of humor, accepting nature, easygoing temperament and great love for his family inspire me every day and in everything I do. I will continue to make him proud because though I've faltered and lost my way sometimes, I know he has never lost faith in me and that he is proud of everything I've accomplished. I am inspired by my mother and the strong, fiery nature I inherited from her and continue to build on. From her I learned to fight for what I want because I'm the only one who truly knows how to obtain my desires. She taught me that sometimes you just have to grab on and pull really hard or push and shove with all your strength to achieve the desired results, but the rewards are definitely worth it! I am inspired by my best friend because she is one of the most amazing people I've ever met and she loved and accepted me when no one else in this world would. She has a formidable power within her to bring happiness and joy to everyone she meets. As she comes into her own and gains victory in her battles, her light will only grow brighter and radiate stronger until nothing will ever again be able to dull her shine. I am inspired by my other close friend who isn't afraid to take brave leaps into the unknown and follow her heart. I admire her youthful wisdom and she has taught me so much and continues to humor my "adorable" naivety. I am inspired by my dear friend and his courageous heart, his devotion to his family and friends, his patience, his infinite spirit and his compassion. I am not entirely certain he realizes what an exceptional person he is but I do. No matter what happens between us, I will always consider him a good man and a beloved friend. There are so many other things that inspire me but alas, I've run out of time this morning to continue writing. For the moment I am still this lone woman in the country who is obsessed with the sky, endures unrequited love in stride while sharing her big heart with every creature she meets and whose writing voice is still mostly undiscovered. But that is all just momentary and not eternal. Soon the country will give way to busier streets and water views and an excitement to life I have only imagined. My future destination can't quite comprehend the whirlwind in store for it when I arrive... Yesterday was a very good day! My day was occupied writing a particularly unique ghost writing article that I may never live down among my friends. The day was also filled with laughs with my best friend via text. She and I understand each other so well and have so much yet to teach each other. I felt like a teenager again as I texted her because when we get together it's like no time has passed and we're 16 years old again. It's the best feeling in the world and allows both of us to forget the issues that come with being adults. Nothing beats knowing that we're never really alone in the world!
I spent the evening with my girls, playing outside and enjoying the lovely weather. My youngest and I had one of our usual interesting conversations about shapes in the clouds, why cats don't come when called and why I take my shoes off when I'm relaxing in my lawn chaise. Both my girls are constantly surprising me with how bright, beautiful and smart they are, and I know they have within them the best parts of me, though magnified a hundredfold and greatly improved upon. They are my greatest gifts in this world and I have faith they will achieve all their dreams, no matter what obstacles they face along the way. I'm pretty sure my stubborn determination is genetic after all... Once the girls were in bed for the night, I settled at my desk to finish my ghost writing article. I had a fresh cup of coffee to help me stay awake but was still having a hard time staying alert and focused on the subject matter. My thoughts started to wander to the following night which would begin four straight days of not seeing my girls at all when they go to their father's. It will be the first such stretch of the summer. It was extremely hard on me last year when the summer custody schedule began because it was my first time not seeing them at all and they had been the center of my whole universe for their entire lives. They're still the center of my universe but I've become better at dealing with being without them; though I will never be completely accepting of it. Amid fighting against a threatening downward swing, my east coast friend started texting me jokes out of the blue which caught me completely off guard. I started reading what he was sending and was immediately laughing so hard tears were running down my face. Talk about a reversal of emotions! I continued to write my article with welcome pauses to read the jokes and laugh, and the amusement kept me awake long enough to finish the work. I was so grateful for the unexpected and perhaps unintentional rescue, and it made my day of amazing positive experiences complete! I went to sleep still chuckling and filled with gratitude for the love my friends show me. It was an excellent reminder that even the lowest descent on the rollercoaster of life will eventually end, and the upward climb will begin once more. Keep looking where you want to go; keep looking up! |
AuthorMy words are like my brush strokes, I'm never quite sure where they'll flow to and when they'll stop. Categories
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May 2013
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