Sometimes events in our lives seem so familiar we're almost convinced we know how they're going to play out. But we really don't know because it is not within our abilities to possess that level of certainty. What fun would life be if we always knew what was coming? It might be less stressful and worrisome but it would grow stale rather fast and we would long for not only the ups, but the downs. Life is not like a road on a map. Roads were built by men and when they are drawn on maps it is assumed they will keep that same path for the foreseeable future. When roads change, maps get updated and barring a natural disaster, those roads will continue to maintain their designated lines. We can all certainly map out what we want our lives to be and strive for certain attainable goals in our education and career. When it comes to planning for the human factor of those goals, none of what is written down is ever permanent or guaranteed. When things start to veer off the planned path we've made for ourselves, we can get anxious, stressed, worried and confused. We get up on our proverbial tiptoes and crane our necks trying to see around that next bend in the road of life so we can prepare for what's coming. What we forget is that nothing lies beyond that bend yet and it is up to us to decide to either accept that or go nuts trying to guess what it might be. Worrying stems from a fear of the unknown and the belief that if we can just control everything then we'll be safe. Total control isn't possible and sometimes being safe means not really living. It is far better that we hope for and work toward the future path we want than live in dread that the way will suddenly fall out beneath our feet. The path will fall out beneath us at some point but there is always a bridge somewhere that will help us continue on in a different direction. Continuing our journey is how we create our own unique road of life. Even when we can't see what lies around the bend we have to take that leap of faith and believe that we have the strength to endure the journey and see the light beyond.
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My road trip to Boston with my best friend and her very good friend was amazing! We had such a fun time on the drive out and made memories we'll be talking about for years. The Friday night we got in was one of the best nights of my life as my Massachusetts friend met my NY friends and we all hung out for a while. I felt like I was actually part of something for once and it was the most wonderful something! I felt wanted and loved...and was teased until I blushed down to my toes. For far too brief a moment in time I wasn't the isolated, solitary and forgotten-feeling creature I am in New York State. I was a bubbly, vivacious, confident and sarcastic woman who felt as if she could accomplish anything she put her mind to because she had such incredible friends backing her up. I still have those friends backing me up but now almost a month later and without such physical contact, I admit that I feel lost. The time I spent with my Massachusetts friend was far too brief but somehow the warmth seeing him again filled me with carried into the next day. I remember telling my best friend as we walked the streets of Boston that I was happy because I was content in my heart. I had been reunited with the friend I'd thought I'd lost forever and I was back in the city I loved and life felt right and whole. I showed my NY friends all the places I'd visited during my first trip and I took all the pictures I'd forgotten to before. I saw new parts of the city and I experienced it after dark and I just never wanted to leave. I now know with great certainty that Massachusetts is my home and it is where my heart longs to forever be. Returning to the quiet country life was harder than I anticipated. After parting from my best friend and our mutual friend Sunday afternoon I started crying in my car. I didn't want to go back to my existence of time spent mostly alone with my dog. I love Jazzmin, don't get me wrong, but I think we all need and desire human contact more than just at work or out on errands. Problem is that I don't really fit in where I live and that all my friends live far from me. I realize that it is entirely within my power to shape the future for myself that I want and that I know will bring myself and my daughters genuine happiness and fulfillment. I know what I have to do, I've known for over a year what I have to do. The excuses must stop and I must follow my heart; even if in the end the path my heart takes doesn't quite travel where I expected... Growing up I read Marvel comic books and it was always interesting to me when there would be a crossover between two of the comics. There were combos like X-Men and Ghost Rider or X-Men and The Punisher and I enjoyed learning about comic book heroes that were new to me. Despite their attempts otherwise, X-Men was always a lighter comic so bringing in dark characters like Ghost Rider and Punisher certainly made for some unique story developments! As I prepare for this Friday's road trip to Massachusetts my life will be entering its own cross over chapter. My two blogs might in fact overlap because of it and that's a very good thing. I am going on this road trip with my best friend in the whole world, Crystal and our mutual friend Eldridge whom she's known since grade school. Eldridge is a brave man for volunteering to be stuck in a car with Crystal and I for the 7+ hour trip! Crystal and I have a unique chemistry when we're together and we amplify each other's personalities to the brightest and bubbliest of essences. I have always tended to be the darker, more sarcastic one while she is the lighter, more blunt one. One thing is guaranteed when we get together though, that we'll laugh so hard we can't breathe and have tears running down our cheeks. Finding that level of fun connection with someone is an absolute blessing! One of the most amazing things about this trip is that my longtime friends will finally be able to meet one of my long distance friends. If you've been reading my Massachusetts story you've heard me talk about the man that started it all. I wasn't certain the day would ever come when my best friend would meet him and I'm so happy that it will actually happen! It will no doubt be an interesting and amusing cross over story and I am eager to see how it all plays out. Chances are pretty good that Crystal and I are going to drive both men nuts, but hey, that's why women exist, isn’t' it? Despite how uncomfortable I felt with the situation, I drove the Honda Accord the Rav4 dealer let me borrow to work the next day. I'd already decided I wasn't going to buy the Rav4 and I dreaded the idea of driving that Accord an hour back to the dealer. The friend of a friend who had been helping me find a car was no longer being helpful in any way so I called the dealer and left a message asking if they could come pick up their car. They called me back a half hour later and said that yes, they'd come pick up their car and also shred the paperwork for my purchase of the Rav4. Knowing all that lifted a great weight off my shoulders but I still had a problem: no vehicle unless I wanted to take the Explorer back. The thought of having to drive that Explorer again really did not appeal so I spent a majority of Friday looking online for a different vehicle. There were a few Honda CRVs, Toyota Rav4s and Subaru wagons around but they all had something that didn't fit my needs: high miles, expensive, automatic transmission, not so great gas mileage. Two of my girlfriends had talked about the Toyota Matrix as an option and when I searched for one that was stick, newer than my Explorer and in my budget, only one came up. It was at a dealer in a nearby town and the more I looked at it online, the more it grew on me. I hadn't driven a stick shift car since my first vehicle in high school which was a Ford Aspire but I couldn't deny the appeal of the great MPG manual Matrix's get. I decided to rent a car for the weekend to facilitate my vehicle shopping needs and fortunately there's a rental place right down the road from where I work. I made arrangements for them to pick me up after work and I decided I'd look at that Matrix that night because the dealer was open until 8pm. The rental place picked me up and rented me an "economy" class car that turned out to be a Chrysler 200. It was a nice enough car but it was automatic and driving it further convinced me that I just couldn't buy an automatic car. If it doesn't involve shifting, it's just not fun. I arrived at the dealer and listened to the salesman's required speech about how they operate and then told him I knew exactly the car I wanted. He checked to make sure it was still for sale and luckily it was so we took it out for a test drive. The shifter for it is closer to the instrumentation than in the Explorer so I kind of felt like I was shifting into the radio but it had a nice smooth ride, easy clutch and the usual short shift throws for a car. I was then convinced that it was the car for me and we returned to the dealership to take care of the details. An hour and a half later, the financing was all in place and I was set to pick the Matrix up the next morning. As I drove out of the dealer parking lot in my rental car I said out loud in amusement "There, Dad, I finally bought another car!" My father had been after me to buy a more economical car for years but ever since I hit a deer in a car on my 22nd birthday, I'd been gun-shy about driving a car. Having to drive cars for the previous day and a half I realized I was okay in a car as long as I drove slower at night and kept my eyes peeled. The Matrix is very roomy for a car and the seating position is higher than the Honda and Chrysler I'd driven so I didn't feel like I was sitting on the road. The cargo area is plenty big enough for a suitcase and Jazz's collapsible crate for when I venture out on road trips too. I picked up my Matrix Saturday morning and the more I drive it, the more I know I made the right choice. Toyota seems to have put a lot of thought into designing that vehicle and it even has a 6 disc CD changer which I've never had on any vehicle I owned. It is white like a blank canvas and it is just the first step of many into this newest chapter of my life. I am so proud of myself for getting a car all on my own and I'm sure my father is proud too. I know I'm strong but sometimes my strength surprises even me. They're rebuilding one of the main roads I take to get to work. It's a county road and heavily trafficked so I knew construction would take considerable time. When I say "heavily trafficked" I mean I would encounter 3-5 cars on it driving home during rush hour. I live in the country so if traffic is ever bumper to bumper it's because there's deer crossing slowly, a house is on fire and the road is closed or there's been an accident. Now that the road is down to one lane during construction, I'm realizing just how many people use that road and I've decided that I will no longer be one of those people until the project is done. Finding a way around such a main route in the country involves navigating winding back roads that are often gravel, but as I drive an SUV with good ground clearance and suspension, I'm not intimidated. I got directions from point A to point B via Google Maps and then rerouted those directions around the main road it felt to be the "easiest" way. There's nothing easy about being stuck parked in construction traffic for 15-20 minutes when I need to get home for my daughters' bus. At least on country roads I'm moving along and in control of my own speed. I am familiar with most of the roads on the plotted route so I knew that once I've driven it a couple times I'd be able to go by landmarks. Landmarks being things like half-dead trees, old barns and cutely painted mailboxes. Driving the hilly, winding, gravel roads is quite the adventure. In the mornings there aren't many cars on these roads, so when I'm driving the only traffic I usually encounter are squirrels, deer, crows and flocks of other smaller birds. All the critters seem rather surprised to see a SUV barreling along their roads and I have to come to near complete stops for indecisive squirrels and deer. Birds go flying off in a dither, probably swearing at me in chirps but they'll just have to get used to seeing me. I'll be driving through the Disney-like nature of these back roads until construction is complete. At the rate the crew is going, that won't be until October if I'm lucky. Another interesting little detail about these country roads is that half of them don't have road signs. Directions that say "turn left on Smith Road" are totally useless when Smith Road isn't labeled and looks like every other winding road around. Putting signs up might be on the town's "to do list" or they may never go up because the people who live on those roads like being incognito. It's okay, I figure out where I'm going eventually and I certainly understand the desire to remain hidden. The roads tend to be all in shadow because of the abundance of trees and as the leaves change color for autumn I'm sure I'll be treated to beautiful tours through shades of red, orange and yellow. My chosen route is actually faster than being stuck in construction...unless I decide to stop and take pictures with my little Canon Powershot. Such an endeavor is an acceptable delay and far more enjoyable than being parked among other grumbling commuters. In driving, just as in life, I won't allow my journey to be stopped by the dictates of others. I will keep moving forward in the direction of my choosing and I will face whatever lies around each curve and over every hill with my usual optimism and hope. I believe I've probably mentioned this in previous blogs, but I don't do things the usual way. If there's a normal, set path for doing something then I most assuredly deviate and blaze a new trail with my machete of determination. I set a goal and it is vivid in my mind and within my power to obtain and so I pursue it every way I can figure out how. As I'm traveling the new path, I think up all these ideas and aspects of my goal that were not immediately visible to me and I then have to find bridges over occasional pitfalls. Luckily for me, I was blessed with a clever and intelligent mind that continues to amaze me and I am always able to build that bridge and find the light in total darkness. I have never been and will never be, an average girl. Average is boring and predictable and I am vivacious and spontaneous. We are all of us extraordinary, if we just take the time to stop and look inside ourselves and realize what makes us all unique. I highly doubt following the rules brought success to any of the great trail blazers in history and being timid just means you get shoved aside out of the path of braver folks. I don't take being pushed aside well and I certainly don't abide by being overlooked and forgotten. To that end I've learned not to let certain things faze me and to accept that when someone fails to see my potential, it is a failing on their part and not my own. I'm tough and I'm strong but I am also very loving and expressive. It really is all about finding balance. In my quest for my dreams, I have posted the first of many installments in my Massachusetts story on the page appropriately named "Massachusetts." It truly is my story and not a fictional tale meant to draw in audiences. Writing fiction is far safer and what I'm accustomed to but playing it safe only seems to hold me back. You can certainly get to know an author through their fictional characters because they are all extensions of the writer, but I thought for now I'd just skip ahead and let you know the real me. My beloved English teacher told me in 11th grade that I should write my autobiography and I remember thinking he was crazy. I was only 16, what did I know of life yet? Turns out, he knew what he was talking about and finally at 35, I'm taking his advice. I regret that he has passed and is not here to witness my transformation from shy girl to brave, bold, determined, stubborn, strong woman but I know that his spirit is impressed and continues to cheer me on. Thank you, Derek, I promise I'll make you proud! I am a big believer in signs. I like little breadcrumbs along the path to help me know I'm headed in the right direction. My internal compass malfunctions sometimes too and sends me in circles so a little extra guidance is a bonus. My curiosity leads me to explore various new and interesting things and I'm always gaining new knowledge. For someone as expressive as I am, it's nice to have cool facts rattling around in my brain that can pop out at weird and unexpected times. I was always amazed with my father's ability to pull up cool information when we were out and about. He always gained my immediate attention when he would say "Did you know that..." I learned so much from him and I always wanted to be like him. Turns out that I am in fact quite a lot like him. When I'm out with my daughters or my friends and I see something that sparks the memory of an article I read, I find myself uttering the words "Did you know that..." I love to share what I've learned and while I can never be certain if the people I'm with actually listen to what I prattle about, I prattle on anyway. Recently a couple of my searches produced rather interesting and coordinating results that I took as signs. I was digging through my numerous desk drawers looking for notes on the book I'm writing and while I didn't find the notes, I did find 15 forever postage stamps I had almost forgotten I owned. This immediately sparked some ideas within my mind as to what I could use those stamps for and none of those ideas were as boring as mailing bills. I pay everything online anyway so that would just be silly. I knew I could use those stamps to get my name and talents out into the world somehow but I didn't quite know how. I placed the stamps on top of my desk and began poking around online for information important to where I want my future to lead. This search led me to beautiful pictures and intriguing details about somewhere I already love despite the fact that I've never physically been there. I've visited there through pictures from my dear friend and in my daydreaming and I began to see that my creative talents could help more people love the area as much as I do. Suddenly everything clicked in my brain and it became clear to me where these new signs were leading me. I know exactly what I'm going to use those stamps for and I've set my plan in motion. I've started my own personal campaign to achieve my dreams and I call it "15 stamps to Forever." Some people might dismiss all that has happened as coincidence and I understand that and accept that everyone has their own beliefs. For me though, the signs are helping me follow my heart. I believe in love and the power of dreams and if you do too I invite you to follow me on my journey... Time is such an unusual beast sometimes. It can pass so slowly and painfully, or speed by far too fast, or seem to have not existed at all. Never underestimate the amazing powers time possesses. After not seeing my friend for several months I expected to cry the moment I laid my eyes on him. To my surprise, I did not. Why? Because the moment I saw him again it felt like barely any time had passed at all and that it had only been mere days since we said goodbye. I only know one other person who I feel that way about and she is my best friend whom I have known for over 20 years. She and I knew each other for many years before life and distance separated us, whereas the friend I saw this weekend I haven't even known a year yet. It is an amazing familiarity to find twice in my life and one I feel blessed to have. My east coast friend and I are kindred spirits but we're certainly not exactly alike. He is a laid back and yet hard worker and I am an overly energetic creature who has trouble keeping focused. Wise people say that finding balance is important and I think he and I balance each other somewhat. We are both finding our way in this confusing, obstacle-filled world and we are both optimists. His strength is far more obvious and honed where mine tends to be hidden and disorganized. I do not believe I am completely hopeless though. He took me to a butterfly sanctuary and it was a wonderful experience! I love butterflies and they are very symbolic to me of hope and renewal. To see them all flying around in clusters, pairs and solo was truly beautiful. We were both using our camera phones to take pictures of the butterflies and I watched enviously as he would touch the screen on his phone to make his camera focus where he wanted it to. My phone has no such feature and an upgrade is not in the foreseeable future, so the pictures I took with it did not always focus on my intended subject. As I watched him touching to focus the picture, it reminded me much of what it takes to make me truly find my own focus. I need to be touched. Touching me physically and touching my heart is a powerful combination and it helps bring everything into focus for me. I feel like this wild, flickering light that's always bouncing around seeking a place to rest and never quite finding it. I glow brighter sometimes and grow dim during other times and I know that if I just focus my energy, I can harness the light within me and intensify it for the whole world to see. My friend and I parted after not quite a whole day together and it was not easy for me to say goodbye. I vowed that I would see him again and I will. Time is still weaving a complicated path for he and I and the timing itself still isn't quite right but I have hope and my eternal stubborn determination to help me through. Like a finger upon a touchscreen, I will touch to focus, trace a path through and over any obstacles in the way, and press on until my light glows so bright it's blinding. I love road trips, always have, always will. Most people don't seem to believe me when I say I love driving to new places and seeing new sights. I truly do. I get such a sense of freedom driving on the open highway in my four door Explorer and as it has a manual transmission, I like to pretend I'm behind the wheel of a real performance vehicle. That's a huge delusion because the thing is a dog and passing anyone with any speed usually involves shifting into 3rd of even 2nd. Oh well, it's a stick so it's still hotter than most other SUVs out there and when that baby is running right it serves me well on my drives. It has cruise control too and I usually remember that about an hour into my drive which comes in very handy. Someday I'll remember that detail at the beginning of a drive...
This Friday I'm driving east to see a friend I haven't seen in 7 months and I'm so excited! Considering all of my friends are at least two hours away, I don't get to see them as often as I'd like and the further away they are, the longer between visits. The friend I'm seeing Friday was the subject of my Bravery and a Big Heart blog and he is definitely worth the drive. He's a busy guy, so nailing him down to a date hasn't been easy, obviously. I'm bringing my lovable dog Jazzmin with me and I can tell she's already as excited about a road trip as I am. She doesn't know or care what the destination is, she's just eager to go on a trip with mama lol. Road trips always go faster with good music and I've downloaded some new tunes lately that are perfect for singing and car dancing along to. I'm very "old school" in that I still burn mix CDs to listen to in my car and tonight I'll be packing my 15 case with my musical selections. I know all about plugging MP3 players into cars and such but my vehicle only has a CD player and those radio transmitter things never sound as clean as just popping a CD in. Someday I'll get on board with all the modern technology but for now I use CDs that I occasionally have to blow off and rub on my pant leg when they start skipping. If it works for the most part and it isn't broken, that's how I roll. It all adds to my uniqueness and as I often say, perfect is impossible and normal is boring. My rough edges and smooth curves ;) are what make me, me. I apparently hit snooze twice this morning because by the time I was awake enough to realize the time, it was 5:20. I felt like I could sleep for another 3 to 4 hours without any problem but alas, that isn't an option for me at this point in my life. Sleeping through what I now see is a beautiful morning would have been a waste anyway, but the temptation was still there.
The weather this past weekend was absolutely amazing and a true taste of the hot summer days ahead. As much as I might complain about sweating and burning in the sun (even with SPF 45 sunblock on) I much prefer those "problems" over shoveling and driving in snow and freezing during the winter. Heat can be dealt with by turning on the air conditioner and/or fans, drinking tons of water, staying in the shade and wearing as little clothing as possible. After a full day out in the sun and light breezes, I feel wonderfully tired and I smell like fresh air and sunshine. I could have spent the nice weather weed whacking, pulling the grass out of my potential flower garden, trimming my front bushes or other outdoor chores, but instead I chose to take a break and a breather by traveling to the bigger hills of southern New York State. It was a great drive full of sights I forgot existed in this state, open roads with little traffic and minimal construction, and a destination that was both familiar and yet still new to me. I met new people, I walked new streets, I took in new sights and all of that to me is a coveted gift. It felt so good to talk, laugh, share my thoughts and experiences with others and listen to their's. As isolated as I am where I live, I miss that real human interaction that I believe we all need. As I never truly know when such interaction will happen again, and I strive to not take anything for granted, I made the most of every moment and tried to memorize it all. I always hope that I leave behind a good impression and enjoyable memories of me when I leave a person and a place so that every now and then the people I've met say "remember that girl..." as I cross their minds in one of life's endless stories. |
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