History tends to repeat itself. Not just in big world events but in our lives and personal relationships. Sometimes it is a positive and beneficial thing and sometimes it is a negative and detrimental thing. Preventing history from repeating itself is definitely possible in certain circumstances. If we keep making the same mistakes and not learning the life lesson intended from the first time we made those mistakes, then we're allowing history to repeat itself. There are however many times when there's nothing we can do to stop history from cycling through again in an all too familiar way and that can prove rather frustrating. As much as many of us might wish it were otherwise, we can't control the universe. There are some who can quite possibly see the future but that doesn't mean they can really do anything to change it. What if the very thing they do to change the future creates that unwanted future? It is a conundrum often repeated in science fiction stories and movies and for good reason. Humans don't like feeling helpless. Uncertainty causes worry and fear and those are emotions no one truly enjoys. But accepting that certain things are beyond our control isn't easy to swallow either. This is where faith comes in... Faith is the belief that somehow things will all work out regardless of what we do or do not do. This is not a force that will somehow pay your bills if you don't send the money, that sort of thing is wholly within our control and should not be left up to the universe. Faith is a force for much bigger things. It and hope are what we cling to in our darkest hours when things look bleak and full of despair. If we do not hold on to that small sliver of belief that things will be okay somehow then we have given up and that accomplishes nothing. It is not just unseen forces that one need have faith in. Having faith in those who love us and believing that they will help us through our struggles is just as important. A tangible strength and support is a different level of comfort and reassurance than blind faith. If we start to doubt that those who love us will be there for us, then it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy as we push them away for fear that they'll abandon us eventually anyway. Not all of our loved ones will be there for us but those who are loyal without falter are the ones that truly matter in the bigger scheme of things. Having this sort of history with people makes for an enduring repetitive experience and creates the ties that truly bind us all together.
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People on shelves. Sounds like a weird concept perhaps until you stop to consider that every person has a story and those stories are like books waiting to be read. Some such books have never been opened and some have been opened and closed many times. The stories within each of us are far more interesting than we may realize and filled with life lessons, secret meanings, footnotes and reference materials. Even someone who has done the same exact thing for their entire lives has something important and interesting to tell because into even the most mundane existence, the world around us has a way of interjecting its own excitement. Some people are eager to tell their story and so they fling their pages wide and write the words in bold dark print. Others like to tell their story in a nice even tone and pace until some unexpected event jumps out of the pages suddenly making it a popup book. Still others are not so eager to have their stories read so they are written in very faint ink with certain details omitted or changed to sound more appealing. The truth of the matter is that our story is our life and as much as we might wish otherwise, we can't go back and edit or change things because then that story is no longer us. Events have already happened, both good and bad, and our wisest course of action is to learn from them instead of living in regret or longing. On these shelves of people/books there are numerous tomes that have been taken down, read and then put back on the shelf, perhaps even tucked behind other books so they are hidden out of sight. Some of these books feel that they deserve their fate and stay hidden in the shadows or atop a high out of reach shelf. The smarter and braver of these books push through back to the front of the shelf or climb onto a lower shelf so they are again within reach. We all deserve to be read and accepted as what we are and if we just hang in there and hold our place on the shelf, the right people will find us, read us, understand us and add their own story to ours. We are all of us entitled to our opinion. It's part of having freewill. We can share that opinion with others but we should never expect them to accept it as the only real truth. Doing so is conceited, selfish and just plain stupid. There come moments in our lives when we all realize that it is better to hold our words than to speak them. Some of us realize that too late and the words have already been spoken and cannot be taken back. I am not trying to say that we should constantly censor ourselves, but it is wise to think before speaking. Really truly think through what you are about to say and try to decide if it holds actual merit. This is not something we can do all the time nor should we try to because it would be exhausting! It is however far more possible in this age of modern technology when so many of us communicate via text and email more than spoken word. Texts and emails are forms of instant communication but they do not always have to be used so. The written word is usually far more memorable than the spoken word. More often than not though, we let our text and email "mouths" get ahead of our brains and the consequences are not always pleasant. Fortunate are we that have friends we can blab anything to, written and spoken, even if it does not make sense and makes us later wonder what we were thinking. By doing that we actually learn who are real friends are because they are the ones who will listen to it all, mull it over and either let it pass as temporary insanity or give their own opinion on the matter. A different perspective on a problem can be ever so helpful! Those that know us best will know exactly how to get through to us, whether it is with kind words, a stern scolding or a kick in the butt. It is this give and take of thoughts and opinions that build strong and lasting relationships. Constantly trying to shove your own opinion onto someone else will soon make them deaf to your words. This foolish pursuit means that should there ever come a time when you have something worthwhile to say, it will no longer matter. It is never a bad thing to pause a moment, take a breath and think before you speak, fire off a text or send an email. Rethink what you're about to say, reread your words; try to consider the implications of your words. We cannot always do this when our emotions get the best of us but we can always learn from our mistakes. I often hear my father's voice in my head telling me to "be patient" when it's the last thing I want to be but when I haven't heeded his words I've stumbled into unpleasant situations and worked myself up about nothing. Words of caution are usually words of wisdom and it is within each of us to find the ability to listen. I am not fond of winter. The cold temperatures, the nasty wind chills, the shorter days and especially the snow. I don't ski or ride around like a crazy person on snowmobiles and when the snow falls my biggest interactions with it are shoveling it and driving in it. I did something unusual this year, I actually wished for a white Christmas for my daughters. As much as I hate dealing with snow, I knew how much snow on the holiday would make them happy. Lo and behold, it snowed! It was just enough to play in and within a day it had started to melt. I was content with that. Alas, a couple days later the area where I live got dumped on by a foot and a half of snow and I was then ready for winter to be over with. I tried to shovel out my long driveway but it was just too much for me so I swallowed my pride and asked my ex husband to come plow me out with his truck. Thankfully he did and I was able to escape my driveway in my little Matrix but the snow continues to fall almost daily. I had to shovel out my entire driveway when we received five fresh inches of snow a day later. It was light and fluffy snow but that doesn't make my driveway any shorter and by the time I finished, my whole body hurt. There's an accumulation of almost six inches out there now and I will have to shovel again soon if I want to keep getting in and out of my driveway. I groan at the very thought. There has also been a rather large lack of sun since the snow started flying. Occasionally it pops out but it's usually so blinding reflecting off the snow I don't go out in it. Most days though it hasn't appeared at all and that does nothing for my spirits. I have to keep the curtains closed in my house to keep the warmth in and even then cold air gets in. I've covered several of the windows in plastic and that helps considerably but this house still leaks heat from all sorts of places. I walk around wearing a sweatshirt, thick fleece pants and fuzzy slippers that go up over my ankles. No sex appeal to be found when I'm trying to keep warm. In Upstate NY winter will last another 3 to 4 months and that is a depressing prospect to say the least. I get home from work and all I want to do is nap until Spring comes. Fortunately, I was smarter than I realized when I bought an Xbox 360 kinect for our big Christmas present this year. I love to dance and have always wanted to know choreographed moves and the Dance Central game plays right into my desires. I can't help but play the game every night and I end up having so much fun doing so that an hour passes before I know it. There are tons of songs to choose from, many of which I know and love and I am constantly improving, much to my own amazement. Thanks to that game, I get off my butt and exercise and that certainly lifts my spirits for a bit. Between Dance Central and shoveling I am hopeful that my body will be in awesome shape by the time it's warm enough to actually remove some layers and show it off. Now if my daily naps somehow inexplicably contribute to a hot body too then I'm all set! Is it Spring yet? My daughters start writing up their Christmas lists in the late summer after their birthdays have passed. I completely understand their excitement because obviously I was a kid once too. I usually don't even look at their Christmas lists for they are shared with both sides of their family and chances are my ex's family will get a majority of the things on them. I prefer to pick out things for them that I know they will like but that they might never think of. I believe that there should be an element of surprise about Christmas. I love my girls and I want them to enjoy their childhood, so while I remind them that the holiday is not about getting material things, I know they are still a bit too young to fully comprehend that. I have faith that it will come in time. I personally haven't made a Christmas list in many years. I can never think of anything I truly want or need that's so worth having someone should buy it and wrap it for me. I have grown used to just getting what I need when I need it. I feel trivial and materialistic when I ask for things I want. So if I do actually make a list I tend to put on it necessities like extra power cords or printer paper or other such less than personal items. I was married for many years and in all that time my ex only gave me something I actually wanted and didn't ask for a handful of times. Had he truly known me and understood what was important to me he might have had better luck. But that was not to be and he has someone new now and perhaps she makes more sense to him than I ever did. Regardless, I am quite happy with my freedom. I would never put this on any list but there will always be one thing I want as a gift: to have just one more day with my father. I would ask him all the questions I never took the time to and I would swiftly type up all of his answers so I could read them over for the rest of my life. Then I'd want to go on a walk with him and my daughters and show him around my house and where I live and introduce him to Jazzmin. Judging by her occasional random barks into the kitchen and at the front door, Jazz has already met my father and he apparently likes playing with her. I always welcome the visits his spirit makes upon me but I so long for one of his really tight bearhugs. While I may sometimes make up wishlists of random things I don't want to forget I need, I do not see myself ever writing up another true Christmas list. What I want is intangible really and won't fit under any tree or in any stocking. I truly cherish being with my family on the holidays and while I wish I could be with my friends too, they are so far from me that has yet to happen. It is enough for now that my friends are with me in spirit and only a text, email or phone call away. I have big dreams of someday having a grand holiday party in my future home in Massachusetts. I'll invite all my closest friends and fly them out if necessary and heck, I'll even invite the whole neighborhood! The holidays are about being surrounded by love and that is something that will never fit in a colorfully wrapped box tied with a pretty bow. When I think about the holidays I think of stringing colored lights around my house, putting up my 15 year old fake tree, baking cookies and going to parties. I don't actually know why I still think about holiday parties because I haven't been to one in years. The friends who used to host them are no longer my friends, the only company party I went to was for my ex-husband and where I work hasn't had one since the first year I worked there. And yet I still think longingly of getting all dolled up in a nice dress, wandering around the hotel reception room looking at the Christmas decorations, listening to live piano music and of course enjoying all the appetizers and buffet food being served. I should probably let such silly notions go but I still hope that someday I have holiday parties to attend again. An even bigger wish is to be in Boston for New Year's Eve some year...or every year. I've never been in a city during such a time and I imagine I'd find it both scary and exciting. On my Twitter feed I'm reading all about the numerous New Year's Eve parties that happen in and around Boston and I yearn to go. I wanted to go last year too but I couldn't swing it and this year I can't either. Maybe next year... My closet is full of lovely shirts, skirts and dresses that would be great for a holiday party! Yet nowadays when I get dressed up it's just for an in-home photo shoot for some new profile pictures. All dressed up with nowhere to go definitely applies to me. It probably seems silly to add to a collection of clothing I don't wear but sometimes I can't resist. Like this past weekend when I was at the mall with my daughters just for something to do. I've seen tons of women wearing those really high platform-style heels (I call them hooker heels, I won't lie) and I was curious to see if I'd actually be able to stand in them. So with my oldest groaning about how ridiculous her mother was being, I took my girls into Payless, found the 8 1/2 aisle and saw a pair of sparkly silver heels. Just looking at them I knew they'd be the death of me but I gave it a shot anyway. I put one on and literally stumbled and almost fell over. My oldest was quite amused. Holding onto the shoe shelves for balance I then put on the other heel and that didn't help my steadiness at all! I felt 7 feet tall and it was inconceivable to me that women walk in those things when I could barely stand! My oldest bragged that she'd tried them on in a woman's size 6 and could stand and I just rolled my eyes. I promptly removed the heels before I broke both my ankles and returned them to the shelf. That's when a pair of sparkly blue non-hooker heels caught my eye. Blue is my most favorite color and those heels were such a pretty shade that I had to try them on. As they had what I consider a reasonable heel, I was able to stand and walk in them and this doesn't happen often, but I fell in love with those shoes. They were on sale for 20 bucks so I decided they would be my Christmas present to myself. My oldest groaned because I still have no occasion to wear them for and nowhere nice to go but I am hopeful that someday that will change. Dorothy had her ruby red slippers that took her home; perhaps if I click my sparkly sapphire heels together they'll take me to a party. Never hurts to wish... My road trip to Boston with my best friend and her very good friend was amazing! We had such a fun time on the drive out and made memories we'll be talking about for years. The Friday night we got in was one of the best nights of my life as my Massachusetts friend met my NY friends and we all hung out for a while. I felt like I was actually part of something for once and it was the most wonderful something! I felt wanted and loved...and was teased until I blushed down to my toes. For far too brief a moment in time I wasn't the isolated, solitary and forgotten-feeling creature I am in New York State. I was a bubbly, vivacious, confident and sarcastic woman who felt as if she could accomplish anything she put her mind to because she had such incredible friends backing her up. I still have those friends backing me up but now almost a month later and without such physical contact, I admit that I feel lost. The time I spent with my Massachusetts friend was far too brief but somehow the warmth seeing him again filled me with carried into the next day. I remember telling my best friend as we walked the streets of Boston that I was happy because I was content in my heart. I had been reunited with the friend I'd thought I'd lost forever and I was back in the city I loved and life felt right and whole. I showed my NY friends all the places I'd visited during my first trip and I took all the pictures I'd forgotten to before. I saw new parts of the city and I experienced it after dark and I just never wanted to leave. I now know with great certainty that Massachusetts is my home and it is where my heart longs to forever be. Returning to the quiet country life was harder than I anticipated. After parting from my best friend and our mutual friend Sunday afternoon I started crying in my car. I didn't want to go back to my existence of time spent mostly alone with my dog. I love Jazzmin, don't get me wrong, but I think we all need and desire human contact more than just at work or out on errands. Problem is that I don't really fit in where I live and that all my friends live far from me. I realize that it is entirely within my power to shape the future for myself that I want and that I know will bring myself and my daughters genuine happiness and fulfillment. I know what I have to do, I've known for over a year what I have to do. The excuses must stop and I must follow my heart; even if in the end the path my heart takes doesn't quite travel where I expected... Growing up I read Marvel comic books and it was always interesting to me when there would be a crossover between two of the comics. There were combos like X-Men and Ghost Rider or X-Men and The Punisher and I enjoyed learning about comic book heroes that were new to me. Despite their attempts otherwise, X-Men was always a lighter comic so bringing in dark characters like Ghost Rider and Punisher certainly made for some unique story developments! As I prepare for this Friday's road trip to Massachusetts my life will be entering its own cross over chapter. My two blogs might in fact overlap because of it and that's a very good thing. I am going on this road trip with my best friend in the whole world, Crystal and our mutual friend Eldridge whom she's known since grade school. Eldridge is a brave man for volunteering to be stuck in a car with Crystal and I for the 7+ hour trip! Crystal and I have a unique chemistry when we're together and we amplify each other's personalities to the brightest and bubbliest of essences. I have always tended to be the darker, more sarcastic one while she is the lighter, more blunt one. One thing is guaranteed when we get together though, that we'll laugh so hard we can't breathe and have tears running down our cheeks. Finding that level of fun connection with someone is an absolute blessing! One of the most amazing things about this trip is that my longtime friends will finally be able to meet one of my long distance friends. If you've been reading my Massachusetts story you've heard me talk about the man that started it all. I wasn't certain the day would ever come when my best friend would meet him and I'm so happy that it will actually happen! It will no doubt be an interesting and amusing cross over story and I am eager to see how it all plays out. Chances are pretty good that Crystal and I are going to drive both men nuts, but hey, that's why women exist, isn’t' it? No one should complain that there weren't enough warnings about Hurricane Sandy and what a huge threat she posed to the Northeast United States. I know that all the publicity about it certainly got me riled up and worried! I was more worried about my friends in NYC and Massachusetts than I was about where I lived. I expected horribly high winds, torrential downpours, flooding tides and all sorts of mayhem. My worry powers were in full force and my friends were all advising me to stop worrying so much. Really nothing unusual. I stayed home from work yesterday because my youngest daughter wasn't feeling well. She'd had the energy of a wet washcloth the day before so I didn't think it was wise to send her to school. She perked up a bit yesterday though and it was nice being home with her just like the good old days when I was a stay at home mom. My pup Jazzmin was worried about me because I was worried and my very dog expert friend told me I needed to calm down so she'd relax. Well Jazz and I had no problem relaxing on the couch for much of the afternoon enjoying quality snuggle time the likes of which we haven't had since last winter. My youngest perked up considerably and played with toys and actually ate so I knew she was feeling better. Back to the storm! The winds began picking up here in the afternoon just as predicted. I was concerned because they were northerly winds and all the advisories kept saying that tree root systems around here aren't used to northerly winds so the potential for them toppling was higher. I have several large trees in my yard, one of which is a towering pine tree right on the north side of my house. I didn't enjoy the thought of it blowing over and potentially wiping out my deck, my car or half my house. I moved my car out of its potential path just in case and hoped that the towering pine was strong enough to hold its own. The wind was a bit gusty but certainly nothing worse than I've experienced here before. The rain was off and on but nothing really concerning. The weather reports kept saying the worst was yet to come though so I was still bracing for the worst. Fortunately we'd had power all day and I was crossing my fingers that it would remain on. I was getting the girls ready for bed and then poof! Power was gone! I groaned in dismay because my youngest is afraid of the dark and it's rather tricky finding flashlights it utter darkness if you don't remember where you last laid them down. My oldest and I found the flashlights which helped us find some other battery powered lights to illuminate the darkness. I ended up going in the basement and digging out some Halloween LED light up ghosts for the girls to use as nightlights and I think I did an awesome job improvising. I only hoped the lights lasted through the night or until power was restored. I was awakened two hours later by the various beeps and whirs that accompany power being restored in my house. I was very happy it had been restored so quickly! I then stumbled around in the unexpectedly bright lights and turned everything off from earlier before returning to bed. The power remained on and when my phone alarm went off at 5am I came out in the living room and was confused by the amount of light coming in through the windows. I opened my deck door and was greeted by a glimpse of the nearly full moon glowing amid the swiftly moving clouds. I smiled at the sight of it and thanked all the powers that be that for me anyway, Hurricane Sandy turned out to be much ado about not that much. My father was a great man. He wasn't perfect by any means but as I say, perfect is boring and quite honestly, unattainable. What made my father great was his kind heart, caring nature, quirky sense of humor, passion for and knowledge of history, and most importantly, the love he had for his family. That love lives on even though he has departed this world and every day his spirit touches me in some way. I am a mere shadow of the person he was but I strive every day to attain such greatness. I expected last week to be tough and it certainly had its low moments but they were countered by some amazingly unexpected high moments. Life has tested me over the past couple months and given me challenges I managed to overcome even though I stumbled a bit. My faith in certain things left me but my hope for those same things remained. This past week I was shown that even though I lose faith and succumb to the darker side of shadows, faith never completely gives up on me. Hope is a very powerful force and it is intertwined with faith whether we realize it or not. There was one thing I could not give up on, despite saying I had and trying to convince myself I had. I can't explain why I didn't give up, why I couldn't let go, aside from the fact that I just didn't want to. There was perhaps a different reason, a deeper meaning behind my inability to release that last little bit of hope. Whatever the reason, a great gift was bestowed upon me last week and it proved to me that I have the most amazing best friend in the world! It also showed me that shadows are not something to be feared because they can not exist without light. So while I expected my path last week to go one way, it went a completely new way and in a lovely upward direction. I still had sad moments where the tears from missing my father flowed freely, but amid those moments the love of my friends and family shined through, lifted me up and kept me strong. I learned to smile again and I laughed without restraint and I sang loudly and off key in my car to songs that I hadn't wanted to hear anymore until that moment. My oldest daughter noted that I was going around the house singing my snippets of show tunes again and when I asked if it bothered her she said "No!" For her to say that tells me that I was lower than I realized. The 10 year old girl who had always rolled her eyes and grumbled when her mother sang "I feel pretty" was now smiling at the sound of my voice and that was yet another blessed gift. I am one person but I am made better and held together by the spirits of my family and friends. I shall never take that for granted again and I will pay heed to my father's voice in my head when he tells me "Be patient." Slow down, breathe, relax, have faith, hold hope and continue on the path and the rewards will always be surprising. |
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