This coming Saturday, August 25, 2012 will be the one year anniversary of me buying my own house. Not bad for a girl who never thought she would see her name solo on the deed to a property. You see, I got married at 21 years old and I thought I'd already achieved the fairy tale and that I was set for life. I was wrong about that. That fairy tale was not what I thought it was but as I'm a writer, I figured out how to rewrite my own happily ever after. I learned that there isn't just one "happily ever after" but several and they never end. Not unless you want them to. Last April I moved out of the house in the country that I'd picked out and lived in for 9 years and into a much smaller apartment. I never realized how much stuff I'd accumulated over the years until I went to move it all. Thankfully, my new apartment had a garage and a full basement, otherwise I don't know where I would have put all of my belongings. Moving from a two story house with 1800 square feet, an open floor plan, three bedrooms and one and a half baths into a two bedroom apartment with under 1000 square feet and a single bathroom was quite an adjustment. But it was an adjustment I happily made because it meant I was free. Free of being told what to do, free of being belittled and mocked, free of obeying rules I had no part in setting up. I would have lived in a box under a bridge by that point to achieve my freedom. I don't think my daughters would have gone along with that idea though. I moved a majority of my boxes of stuff on my own via several full loads in my trusty Explorer. My apartment was less than 10 minutes from my old house and some nights I'd take 2-3 trips back and forth as I prepared to finally escape. I wanted to be fully moved out by the time the separation papers were signed and I pretty much was. I was essentially starting over so I also had to purchase and assemble most of my furnishings. Did you know that you can buy a non-futon couch in a box? Well now you do. My friend and I assembled my little couch and as I know all the parts involved in it, I am certain of its stability. I got really good at assembling storage cabinets and bookshelves too and could probably still do that in my sleep. I was literally exhausted for the first month after moving into my apartment. Problem was, I was also suffering from insomnia. I'd just made the biggest transition of my life to that point and my mind was on overdrive as it filled with worry and uncertainty. This was not the life I'd imagined for myself and my daughters, what if I screwed it up? My first night alone in the apartment without the girls was extremely hard. I remember crying on my kitchen floor with my two lovable cats rubbing up against me thinking their mama was going to suffocate if she didn't breathe at some point. I can still feel that cold tile floor pressing into my skin as I write this and feel that ache in my heart. Being unable to see my girls every day and night has grown easier but as I was a stay at home mom and they were my entire world for 9 years, it will never be completely acceptable to not have them with me. So I lived in that apartment and it was nice enough but it drove me nuts having to share walls with people. My old house had over 3 acres of property and the apartments shared a small yard area which did not compare at all. I quickly began to feel like I would suffocate if I had to live there forever. I'd been looking for a house since before I moved out but my realtor and I hadn't had any luck. Living in that apartment made me realize that I could do just fine in smaller square footage than my old house, just as long as I had some space to breathe! That realization proved very useful as it helped me re-examine what I needed in a house. Two bedrooms was insufficient because the girls sharing a room meant they stayed up giggling until way past their bedtime so I knew I needed three bedrooms. Sharing a single bathroom was tricky with three females but we managed so that was fine. As long as my future house had a basement or garage for storage, I'd be set. There had been a home for sale for as long as I'd been looking but I kept dismissing it because it had under 1000 square feet. I decided to look at it closer and when I saw that it was on 1.4 acres, I concluded that the spacious outside would make up for the smaller inside. The people had moved out months ago and it was move-in ready. Several families of mice had in fact, already moved in as my cats later discovered. I looked through it with my realtor and I fell in love with the spacious yard, flat driveway (a truly rare gem in the hills where I live) large side deck, recently redone kitchen and blue paneling in the living room. Blue is my favorite color and I'd never seen blue paneling before so I was hooked. Two of the bedrooms were good sized with the third one being somewhat small but I knew my youngest would be more than happy just to have her own room. My mind made up, I put in an offer and the sellers accepted. I was thrilled! The idea of moving again five months after moving into my apartment was not exactly exciting but I knew I could do it. Between putting in my offer and finally closing, I think I gave the bank everything except a DNA sample. It was all worth it though. My name alone was on the deed, my divorce was final and everything I did with my house was completely up to me. Just typing the words "my house" is an empowering thing! Being a homeowner has certainly come with its own unique and surprising challenges. I've met them all and figured it out and I will continue to do so. I love my little house and I've made it my home but I have also learned that it is just another "happily ever after" on the road to many more. There is far more to my future than being a woman living alone in the middle of nowhere country and I look forward to all my future destinations and the adventures that await me.
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I wonder what it is like to be "that woman."
The woman who walks in the room and demands everyone’s attention. The woman with the dark eyes, full of mystery and magic that draw in both men and women, and makes them yearn to know the secrets hidden within. The woman with the cascading raven hair that evokes ballads from minstrels and sonnets from poets. The woman who leaves a nearly physical spirit behind with anyone who has ever been fortunate enough to touch her. The woman whose vision lingers in dreams and whose voice echoes softly amidst whispers. The woman with fingers tender enough to caress the most delicate of mists and nails hard enough to pierce the harshest of stones. The woman whose influence is remembered when her existence has long faded. The woman men rally to defend though she possesses her own strength for battle. The woman who runs drenched amidst a thunderstorm to challenge the lightning with her fists. The woman whose passion is not seen with eyes but perceived by souls. The woman whose laughter can illuminate the darkest of days if only in a memory. The woman who can carry the heaviest and saddest of hearts upon her shoulders without a single faltering step. The woman who lingers on the edge of darkness while clinging to the shadows of moonlight. The woman who cherishes the girl of her past while knowing that she is intertwined with the goddess of her future. That woman within and without me. I have had many nicknames in my life and not all of them have been kind but that's probably true of most people. Those who know me well have their own unique nicknames or pet names for me and I'm very happy with that. To know me is to love me, my friends say and I tend to believe they mean that. In the many unpublished fantasy books I have written, I've had to come up with a large quantity of original character names. Most of them just popped into my head and some I made up by combining words in different languages. In one of my more recent books I created a character named Sriset and I thought at the time that I made the name up. Turns out the name exists in other cultures but I did not realize this until I started playing World of Warcraft. Yes, I said Warcraft. My older brother talked me into playing the online game and for many months I was hooked. I chose the name Sriset for my first character (she was a hunter) because I wanted a name that didn't exist on any realm in Warcraft yet. I just checked the Armory and I'm still the only Sriset which makes me rather proud. Mind you I haven't played in quite some time and don't intend to again anytime soon. I simply don't have the time. I knew nothing about online gaming when I started playing Warcraft and I only know slightly more after numerous months of playing. I was at one time a Guild Leader and my guild members started shortening my name to Sri. I became notorious for becoming lost in dungeons and on quests so I was also known as "Perpetually Lost Sri." I wore that name with a unique feeling of honor because it was true and because no matter how lost I became, my online friends were always nice enough to come find me. It is a truly interesting and nice feeling to know that a bunch of people who had never actually met me in person liked me enough through in game chatting to stick with me and call me friend. My fondness for the name Sriset will never fade and it is another extension of my persona. I feel it suits me on Twitter because as I used to do on Warcraft, I am daily questing to make new contacts and friends and learn about new places...though this time it is through descriptions limited to 140 characters. In real life I am quite often still "Lost Sri" but I have learned to find my way. I have also discovered that even a journey along the "wrong" path can turn out more right than ever imagined. I believe I've probably mentioned this in previous blogs, but I don't do things the usual way. If there's a normal, set path for doing something then I most assuredly deviate and blaze a new trail with my machete of determination. I set a goal and it is vivid in my mind and within my power to obtain and so I pursue it every way I can figure out how. As I'm traveling the new path, I think up all these ideas and aspects of my goal that were not immediately visible to me and I then have to find bridges over occasional pitfalls. Luckily for me, I was blessed with a clever and intelligent mind that continues to amaze me and I am always able to build that bridge and find the light in total darkness. I have never been and will never be, an average girl. Average is boring and predictable and I am vivacious and spontaneous. We are all of us extraordinary, if we just take the time to stop and look inside ourselves and realize what makes us all unique. I highly doubt following the rules brought success to any of the great trail blazers in history and being timid just means you get shoved aside out of the path of braver folks. I don't take being pushed aside well and I certainly don't abide by being overlooked and forgotten. To that end I've learned not to let certain things faze me and to accept that when someone fails to see my potential, it is a failing on their part and not my own. I'm tough and I'm strong but I am also very loving and expressive. It really is all about finding balance. In my quest for my dreams, I have posted the first of many installments in my Massachusetts story on the page appropriately named "Massachusetts." It truly is my story and not a fictional tale meant to draw in audiences. Writing fiction is far safer and what I'm accustomed to but playing it safe only seems to hold me back. You can certainly get to know an author through their fictional characters because they are all extensions of the writer, but I thought for now I'd just skip ahead and let you know the real me. My beloved English teacher told me in 11th grade that I should write my autobiography and I remember thinking he was crazy. I was only 16, what did I know of life yet? Turns out, he knew what he was talking about and finally at 35, I'm taking his advice. I regret that he has passed and is not here to witness my transformation from shy girl to brave, bold, determined, stubborn, strong woman but I know that his spirit is impressed and continues to cheer me on. Thank you, Derek, I promise I'll make you proud! |
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