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I adore being on a warm beach. I'm not one to sit out in the sun all day tanning because I believe in being pale and healthy. When I'm at the beach I'm well covered in sunscreen and my toes are in the water. As cliché as it may sound, one of my favorite activities is walking along the beach. Nothing compares to strolling in the shallow waves enjoying the feel of the sand beneath my bare feet. There's just something beautifully calming about walking on a surface that softens gently beneath me as warm water flows over my toes and ankles. As anyone who has ever walked on a beach knows, the incoming tide will inevitably wash away all traces of footprints. When I walk in the shallow water my prints are nothing more than indents in the sand below the surface and my passage is quickly forgotten by the ocean. Sometimes I'll stop, crouch down and pick up a handful of wet sand just to feel it in my hand. It is impossible to hold sand for very long because it falls swiftly from the grasp. Sand of the perfect dampness to create sandcastles will hold its shape for a while but as it dries it crumbles, if the waves do not destroy it first. Sand has long been used to gauge the passage of time because it flows so swiftly and free. Trying to hold onto sand is a futile endeavor because it is not meant to be trapped. The tighter the grip on it, the faster it escapes, but if you leave your palm open and have just a small pile there, it will remain a while longer. Warm beach sand sparkles in the sunlight and is smooth to the touch and it is happiest when left where it came from. The only way to truly hold sand for any length of time is to transform it into something else. Intricate glass creations can be created when sand is heated and blown by skilled craftsmen. There is no holding onto true, free, unaltered sand and it is best to remember this. Sometimes holding something even tighter just makes it slip away faster. By opening your palm and allowing something to be as it is you grant it freedom and sometimes in that freedom it will willingly form itself into something that you can in fact grasp. You cannot predict when certain things and people will slip from your grasp. That is a good thing because then when they choose to return as something attainable, it is a blessed and surprising gift. Sometimes events in our lives seem so familiar we're almost convinced we know how they're going to play out. But we really don't know because it is not within our abilities to possess that level of certainty. What fun would life be if we always knew what was coming? It might be less stressful and worrisome but it would grow stale rather fast and we would long for not only the ups, but the downs. Life is not like a road on a map. Roads were built by men and when they are drawn on maps it is assumed they will keep that same path for the foreseeable future. When roads change, maps get updated and barring a natural disaster, those roads will continue to maintain their designated lines. We can all certainly map out what we want our lives to be and strive for certain attainable goals in our education and career. When it comes to planning for the human factor of those goals, none of what is written down is ever permanent or guaranteed. When things start to veer off the planned path we've made for ourselves, we can get anxious, stressed, worried and confused. We get up on our proverbial tiptoes and crane our necks trying to see around that next bend in the road of life so we can prepare for what's coming. What we forget is that nothing lies beyond that bend yet and it is up to us to decide to either accept that or go nuts trying to guess what it might be. Worrying stems from a fear of the unknown and the belief that if we can just control everything then we'll be safe. Total control isn't possible and sometimes being safe means not really living. It is far better that we hope for and work toward the future path we want than live in dread that the way will suddenly fall out beneath our feet. The path will fall out beneath us at some point but there is always a bridge somewhere that will help us continue on in a different direction. Continuing our journey is how we create our own unique road of life. Even when we can't see what lies around the bend we have to take that leap of faith and believe that we have the strength to endure the journey and see the light beyond. History tends to repeat itself. Not just in big world events but in our lives and personal relationships. Sometimes it is a positive and beneficial thing and sometimes it is a negative and detrimental thing. Preventing history from repeating itself is definitely possible in certain circumstances. If we keep making the same mistakes and not learning the life lesson intended from the first time we made those mistakes, then we're allowing history to repeat itself. There are however many times when there's nothing we can do to stop history from cycling through again in an all too familiar way and that can prove rather frustrating. As much as many of us might wish it were otherwise, we can't control the universe. There are some who can quite possibly see the future but that doesn't mean they can really do anything to change it. What if the very thing they do to change the future creates that unwanted future? It is a conundrum often repeated in science fiction stories and movies and for good reason. Humans don't like feeling helpless. Uncertainty causes worry and fear and those are emotions no one truly enjoys. But accepting that certain things are beyond our control isn't easy to swallow either. This is where faith comes in... Faith is the belief that somehow things will all work out regardless of what we do or do not do. This is not a force that will somehow pay your bills if you don't send the money, that sort of thing is wholly within our control and should not be left up to the universe. Faith is a force for much bigger things. It and hope are what we cling to in our darkest hours when things look bleak and full of despair. If we do not hold on to that small sliver of belief that things will be okay somehow then we have given up and that accomplishes nothing. It is not just unseen forces that one need have faith in. Having faith in those who love us and believing that they will help us through our struggles is just as important. A tangible strength and support is a different level of comfort and reassurance than blind faith. If we start to doubt that those who love us will be there for us, then it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy as we push them away for fear that they'll abandon us eventually anyway. Not all of our loved ones will be there for us but those who are loyal without falter are the ones that truly matter in the bigger scheme of things. Having this sort of history with people makes for an enduring repetitive experience and creates the ties that truly bind us all together. People on shelves. Sounds like a weird concept perhaps until you stop to consider that every person has a story and those stories are like books waiting to be read. Some such books have never been opened and some have been opened and closed many times. The stories within each of us are far more interesting than we may realize and filled with life lessons, secret meanings, footnotes and reference materials. Even someone who has done the same exact thing for their entire lives has something important and interesting to tell because into even the most mundane existence, the world around us has a way of interjecting its own excitement. Some people are eager to tell their story and so they fling their pages wide and write the words in bold dark print. Others like to tell their story in a nice even tone and pace until some unexpected event jumps out of the pages suddenly making it a popup book. Still others are not so eager to have their stories read so they are written in very faint ink with certain details omitted or changed to sound more appealing. The truth of the matter is that our story is our life and as much as we might wish otherwise, we can't go back and edit or change things because then that story is no longer us. Events have already happened, both good and bad, and our wisest course of action is to learn from them instead of living in regret or longing. On these shelves of people/books there are numerous tomes that have been taken down, read and then put back on the shelf, perhaps even tucked behind other books so they are hidden out of sight. Some of these books feel that they deserve their fate and stay hidden in the shadows or atop a high out of reach shelf. The smarter and braver of these books push through back to the front of the shelf or climb onto a lower shelf so they are again within reach. We all deserve to be read and accepted as what we are and if we just hang in there and hold our place on the shelf, the right people will find us, read us, understand us and add their own story to ours. My daughters start writing up their Christmas lists in the late summer after their birthdays have passed. I completely understand their excitement because obviously I was a kid once too. I usually don't even look at their Christmas lists for they are shared with both sides of their family and chances are my ex's family will get a majority of the things on them. I prefer to pick out things for them that I know they will like but that they might never think of. I believe that there should be an element of surprise about Christmas. I love my girls and I want them to enjoy their childhood, so while I remind them that the holiday is not about getting material things, I know they are still a bit too young to fully comprehend that. I have faith that it will come in time. I personally haven't made a Christmas list in many years. I can never think of anything I truly want or need that's so worth having someone should buy it and wrap it for me. I have grown used to just getting what I need when I need it. I feel trivial and materialistic when I ask for things I want. So if I do actually make a list I tend to put on it necessities like extra power cords or printer paper or other such less than personal items. I was married for many years and in all that time my ex only gave me something I actually wanted and didn't ask for a handful of times. Had he truly known me and understood what was important to me he might have had better luck. But that was not to be and he has someone new now and perhaps she makes more sense to him than I ever did. Regardless, I am quite happy with my freedom. I would never put this on any list but there will always be one thing I want as a gift: to have just one more day with my father. I would ask him all the questions I never took the time to and I would swiftly type up all of his answers so I could read them over for the rest of my life. Then I'd want to go on a walk with him and my daughters and show him around my house and where I live and introduce him to Jazzmin. Judging by her occasional random barks into the kitchen and at the front door, Jazz has already met my father and he apparently likes playing with her. I always welcome the visits his spirit makes upon me but I so long for one of his really tight bearhugs. While I may sometimes make up wishlists of random things I don't want to forget I need, I do not see myself ever writing up another true Christmas list. What I want is intangible really and won't fit under any tree or in any stocking. I truly cherish being with my family on the holidays and while I wish I could be with my friends too, they are so far from me that has yet to happen. It is enough for now that my friends are with me in spirit and only a text, email or phone call away. I have big dreams of someday having a grand holiday party in my future home in Massachusetts. I'll invite all my closest friends and fly them out if necessary and heck, I'll even invite the whole neighborhood! The holidays are about being surrounded by love and that is something that will never fit in a colorfully wrapped box tied with a pretty bow. When I think about the holidays I think of stringing colored lights around my house, putting up my 15 year old fake tree, baking cookies and going to parties. I don't actually know why I still think about holiday parties because I haven't been to one in years. The friends who used to host them are no longer my friends, the only company party I went to was for my ex-husband and where I work hasn't had one since the first year I worked there. And yet I still think longingly of getting all dolled up in a nice dress, wandering around the hotel reception room looking at the Christmas decorations, listening to live piano music and of course enjoying all the appetizers and buffet food being served. I should probably let such silly notions go but I still hope that someday I have holiday parties to attend again. An even bigger wish is to be in Boston for New Year's Eve some year...or every year. I've never been in a city during such a time and I imagine I'd find it both scary and exciting. On my Twitter feed I'm reading all about the numerous New Year's Eve parties that happen in and around Boston and I yearn to go. I wanted to go last year too but I couldn't swing it and this year I can't either. Maybe next year... My closet is full of lovely shirts, skirts and dresses that would be great for a holiday party! Yet nowadays when I get dressed up it's just for an in-home photo shoot for some new profile pictures. All dressed up with nowhere to go definitely applies to me. It probably seems silly to add to a collection of clothing I don't wear but sometimes I can't resist. Like this past weekend when I was at the mall with my daughters just for something to do. I've seen tons of women wearing those really high platform-style heels (I call them hooker heels, I won't lie) and I was curious to see if I'd actually be able to stand in them. So with my oldest groaning about how ridiculous her mother was being, I took my girls into Payless, found the 8 1/2 aisle and saw a pair of sparkly silver heels. Just looking at them I knew they'd be the death of me but I gave it a shot anyway. I put one on and literally stumbled and almost fell over. My oldest was quite amused. Holding onto the shoe shelves for balance I then put on the other heel and that didn't help my steadiness at all! I felt 7 feet tall and it was inconceivable to me that women walk in those things when I could barely stand! My oldest bragged that she'd tried them on in a woman's size 6 and could stand and I just rolled my eyes. I promptly removed the heels before I broke both my ankles and returned them to the shelf. That's when a pair of sparkly blue non-hooker heels caught my eye. Blue is my most favorite color and those heels were such a pretty shade that I had to try them on. As they had what I consider a reasonable heel, I was able to stand and walk in them and this doesn't happen often, but I fell in love with those shoes. They were on sale for 20 bucks so I decided they would be my Christmas present to myself. My oldest groaned because I still have no occasion to wear them for and nowhere nice to go but I am hopeful that someday that will change. Dorothy had her ruby red slippers that took her home; perhaps if I click my sparkly sapphire heels together they'll take me to a party. Never hurts to wish... My road trip to Boston with my best friend and her very good friend was amazing! We had such a fun time on the drive out and made memories we'll be talking about for years. The Friday night we got in was one of the best nights of my life as my Massachusetts friend met my NY friends and we all hung out for a while. I felt like I was actually part of something for once and it was the most wonderful something! I felt wanted and loved...and was teased until I blushed down to my toes. For far too brief a moment in time I wasn't the isolated, solitary and forgotten-feeling creature I am in New York State. I was a bubbly, vivacious, confident and sarcastic woman who felt as if she could accomplish anything she put her mind to because she had such incredible friends backing her up. I still have those friends backing me up but now almost a month later and without such physical contact, I admit that I feel lost. The time I spent with my Massachusetts friend was far too brief but somehow the warmth seeing him again filled me with carried into the next day. I remember telling my best friend as we walked the streets of Boston that I was happy because I was content in my heart. I had been reunited with the friend I'd thought I'd lost forever and I was back in the city I loved and life felt right and whole. I showed my NY friends all the places I'd visited during my first trip and I took all the pictures I'd forgotten to before. I saw new parts of the city and I experienced it after dark and I just never wanted to leave. I now know with great certainty that Massachusetts is my home and it is where my heart longs to forever be. Returning to the quiet country life was harder than I anticipated. After parting from my best friend and our mutual friend Sunday afternoon I started crying in my car. I didn't want to go back to my existence of time spent mostly alone with my dog. I love Jazzmin, don't get me wrong, but I think we all need and desire human contact more than just at work or out on errands. Problem is that I don't really fit in where I live and that all my friends live far from me. I realize that it is entirely within my power to shape the future for myself that I want and that I know will bring myself and my daughters genuine happiness and fulfillment. I know what I have to do, I've known for over a year what I have to do. The excuses must stop and I must follow my heart; even if in the end the path my heart takes doesn't quite travel where I expected... My father was a great man. He wasn't perfect by any means but as I say, perfect is boring and quite honestly, unattainable. What made my father great was his kind heart, caring nature, quirky sense of humor, passion for and knowledge of history, and most importantly, the love he had for his family. That love lives on even though he has departed this world and every day his spirit touches me in some way. I am a mere shadow of the person he was but I strive every day to attain such greatness. I expected last week to be tough and it certainly had its low moments but they were countered by some amazingly unexpected high moments. Life has tested me over the past couple months and given me challenges I managed to overcome even though I stumbled a bit. My faith in certain things left me but my hope for those same things remained. This past week I was shown that even though I lose faith and succumb to the darker side of shadows, faith never completely gives up on me. Hope is a very powerful force and it is intertwined with faith whether we realize it or not. There was one thing I could not give up on, despite saying I had and trying to convince myself I had. I can't explain why I didn't give up, why I couldn't let go, aside from the fact that I just didn't want to. There was perhaps a different reason, a deeper meaning behind my inability to release that last little bit of hope. Whatever the reason, a great gift was bestowed upon me last week and it proved to me that I have the most amazing best friend in the world! It also showed me that shadows are not something to be feared because they can not exist without light. So while I expected my path last week to go one way, it went a completely new way and in a lovely upward direction. I still had sad moments where the tears from missing my father flowed freely, but amid those moments the love of my friends and family shined through, lifted me up and kept me strong. I learned to smile again and I laughed without restraint and I sang loudly and off key in my car to songs that I hadn't wanted to hear anymore until that moment. My oldest daughter noted that I was going around the house singing my snippets of show tunes again and when I asked if it bothered her she said "No!" For her to say that tells me that I was lower than I realized. The 10 year old girl who had always rolled her eyes and grumbled when her mother sang "I feel pretty" was now smiling at the sound of my voice and that was yet another blessed gift. I am one person but I am made better and held together by the spirits of my family and friends. I shall never take that for granted again and I will pay heed to my father's voice in my head when he tells me "Be patient." Slow down, breathe, relax, have faith, hold hope and continue on the path and the rewards will always be surprising. My father's 68th birthday, 5/6/2009 October. It used to be my favorite month. Halloween was/is my favorite holiday because of the mystical aspects of it, not because of the scary aspects. I like black cats, flittering bats, full moons and magic. The magic of October has weakened for me though and now it is a month I just try to get through. Ever since my father died in October of 2009, I dread October. My father died on a Wednesday and for a very long time Wednesdays were horrible for me. They're still not my favorite day but I don't believe they're cursed anymore. I've had some very good things happen on Wednesdays in the past year and I try to focus on that. I always try to focus on the positive but it isn't always easy. Holidays without my father are painful. His birthday, family birthdays, Father's Day and all the big holidays have lost so much of their warmth without him. I still remember how happy he was on his last birthday when I frosted the cake in a cute if not exactly artistic way. I loved making his birthday cake because he always made mine when I was growing up. I was returning the love and thoughtfulness he always bestowed upon me. Three years. Sometimes it feels like three seconds. I'm back in that moment on that Wednesday sitting at my old kitchen table with my mother sitting across from me in tears as she tells me that they took him off life support and he passed that afternoon. I still remember that small flicker of hope within me that made me believe for just a moment that she'd tell me that he'd started breathing on his own. He hadn't. His spirit was still strong but his body had endured too much and he couldn't physically fight anymore. I understood, I did, but I still cried and it still hurt worse than having a knife twisted in my heart. My father was gone. I would've given anything to have him back. I remember hugging my father for the last time. Oh how I wish I'd hugged him tighter and longer! I told him I loved him like I always did when I left my parents' house. I couldn't imagine then that I'd never be able to hug him again in my lifetime. For several months after his passing I didn't want anyone touching me, I didn't want anyone close. I felt I'd failed him somehow and that letting anyone touch me would just bring more pain. I didn't truly have that choice though, I had two very important people that needed my touch and care every day: my daughters. Without my daughters I wouldn't have had the strength to get out of bed every day. As much as I wanted to pull the covers up over my head and wallow in sorrow and darkness, I couldn't. I was a stay at home mom and they depended on me and it wasn't within me to fail them. I am so truly blessed that I have my girls, they saved me. Losing my father brought several things to light in my life. I realized that life was too short to waste being unhappy and afraid. I no longer wished to be an unappreciated doormat for my then husband and so I sought divorce. I knew I'd need to provide for myself and my daughters so I went back to work. I wanted a place of my own without memories of a failed marriage so I started looking for a house. All rather drastic measures to take for a girl who was still trying to figure out who she was without the physical presence of her father. I felt my father's love for me and his strength within me and I still do. As desperate as I am to hug him just one more time, I know that isn't possible but I also know that he will never truly leave his little girl. I did not set out on an easy road after my father died. I did not remain safely within the sheltered cave that had become my life up until that point. I sought a brighter light and a better future and I do not regret any of it. I am happy with my life and I feel I'm doing a pretty good job. Yet I will admit that something is still missing. Though it might be easier for me to give up on love after everything I've been through, I can't. Despite the fact that every man who has hugged me since my father died has only brought me heartache, I still believe a good man exists for me. A man like my father who can love and accept me unconditionally and who can share his heart with me without qualms or fear. I have loved men but that love has never truly been returned and so I keep searching. When I connect with someone I do not entirely believe it is just coincidence. Everything happens for a reason. Every connection comes from something deeper, some kindred spirit. Each connection begins a new quest and I am ever hopeful for the future. It will happen when it is meant to and then the bigger picture will finally and completely make sense. I have faith. |
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