When I decide to do something and really commit myself to it, there's not much that can stop me. I've had lots of crazy ideas in my life and big dreams and while some of them have reached fruition, many have not. That's something I'm working very hard to change in my life. The only one who can really stop me from succeeding is myself. My friends encourage me while the realities of life try to hold me back and it is entirely up to me and within my power to focus only on the positive energy and filter out all the negative noise. Sometimes life drags me down a bit but I continue to rise above it and move on. The wonderful thing about having friends who listen to my rambling is that even if they don't always respond to what I say, I feel better having expressed myself. I do also sometimes regret sharing my feelings in the "heat of the moment" because when that heat fades, I look back and wish I'd just taken a deep breath, noted of my emotions, and realized that it was just a passing issue. I suppose that's how we all learn though. If none of us made mistakes then life would be very boring and I simply don't do boring. I often tell my dear friend that I'm never dull and I make life interesting. For him I might make life too interesting sometimes but he continues to roll with it. After he sent me pictures of the little indoor nurseries he had going, I decided I was finally going to overcome my brown thumb and plant a garden this spring, but I didn't just start with a few plants. I purchased 10 seed packets of various flowers and my girls and I planted them in dishes indoors until they sprouted and the weather warmed up. Did I save those seed packets so I'd know what I planted? Nope. Did I plant the seeds in neat little rows? Nope. I dumped them in the soil and mixed them around like a cake mix. If I was going to garden, I was going to go overboard and plants tons of things in the hope that something would eventually bloom. To my total amazement, the seeds sprouted and as soon as I'd dug up my plot outside and spring finally arrived, the little seedlings went into the ground. There have been more than a few hiccups along the way, and my friend saying more than once "just keep at it" but there are finally things resembling flowers growing in my garden! It's a bit of a disorganized arrangement of mystery elements...just like me. I have tons of big ideas and when I get my momentum really going, I kind of steamroll my way through. I truly am a wild force to be reckoned with and as I unleash more of my artistic creativity, my energy will only grow stronger, and perhaps a little crazier. I have so many big dreams and goals for my future now and so much that I want to do and I genuinely believe I am on the precipice of great things! I don't usually take the traditional route to achieve what I want but I get there eventually. The best journeys are often the most exciting and unpredictable ones.
0 Comments
I went to the lake Friday evening after work. There were storms rolling in from the south and while it was warm and humid, the strong winds off the lake kept my skin cool. I love being by the water and while I prefer the ocean waves, lake ripples will do for now. As it was such a nice summer night, there were plenty of people walking the sidewalks of the lake park, enjoying the fenced in beach and cruising around in boats. I had my hair down and was wearing one of my summer dresses and while the wind thoroughly tangled my long tresses, it only tried to blow my skirt up a few times. I stood by the shore looking down the lake for quite some time and was rewarded by several flashes of lightning off in the distance. The storm never came any closer than that but it certainly made for a beautifully tumultuous sky. I eventually left my spot by the shore and walked the gravel paths that outline that northern area of the lake. I am often a quiet observer in life and I passed many people as I walked. There were couples and families and owners walking their dogs and I soon realized that I was the only person there alone. Watching the couples and families walk by, I noticed that many of them didn't even seem to be enjoying having company. The couples were talking about this, that and the other thing without even holding hands and the families were busily trying to wrangle kids and appearing rather frustrated with that endeavor. I wonder how many of them ever took just one moment to savor the blessings they have in their life and breathe in everything around them. I wasn't truly alone as I walked. I carry so many people within my heart and thoughts of them keep me company. My father's spirit is forever near his little girl and I knew he would've been enjoying the windy evening at the lake as much as I was. Had my best friend been with me we would've been talking at high speed and giggling about our long history together. Just thinking of her made me smile. The man I love is never far from my thoughts and his company in my heart is truly all I have of him most of the time. I took several photographs trying to capture it all and hoping that some of them would come out decent enough to share with him later. He does actually know what he's doing with a camera and I am envious of how he so effortlessly expresses a moment in a photograph. I eventually found myself standing at the end of one of the boat docks facing into the wind and smiling. The sun had long ago disappeared behind the gray and blue clouds and the waves were growing more turbulent as the storms circled the area. I closed my eyes and brought thoughts of all those I love to the surface of my mind and felt my emotions swirling in my heart. They are always with me and I sent my love out to them so that they will know that I am forever with them. Until we can all be physically together, joined in spirit will suffice and it keeps me strong enough to work toward that eventual amazing meeting of all those I hold dear. Growing up, the teacher comments on my report cards have said various things. "Works well under pressure." "Needs to participate more." "Works well independently." Hmm, perhaps that last one was a nice way of saying that I don't play well with others. That's a somewhat harsh interpretation of my personality but it gets the gist. I actually do play well with others and I enjoy being in fun social groups but my inherently shy nature can make it difficult for me to make new friends. On the opposite spectrum of that, when I do open myself up, I tend to reveal too much and it can be a bit overwhelming for potential friends. I can't help it, it's how I am and in order to be my friend you have to understand and accept every unique and quirky piece of me. I don't believe in keeping parts of my personality secret in order to win more people to my side. All I can ever be is genuine, 100% me. I may never be hip and up to date on the latest slang and phrases but it's apparently amusing to be with me and witness everything I don't know. People seem to find it difficult to comprehend that a woman my age has limited knowledge of certain things and a naivety that seems to contradict the years I've been on this world. Truth is that I'm proud of the innocence I still possess and the optimism in my spirit that life still hasn't crushed out of me, and never will be taken from me. I still wake every day to the songs of the birds and know that each dawn brings a fresh start and new endless potential. Each and every moment, even the ones that challenge all of us, is a gift to be cherished. Sorrowful tears one moment turn into laughter in the next breath, and the warmth of the sun banishes the coldest and darkest of days. Shine! People love my dog Jazzmin. Wherever I go with her, whether it's on a walk over the hills where I live or on a road trip, random strangers come up to me and tell me how beautiful she is. I've even had people stop their cars in the middle of the road to say what a pretty dog she is and ask me what breed she is. My answer varies depending on the situation but there is never any doubt about how much I love her. The simplest answer is that Jazzmin is a mutt...just like me. She is a blend of many breeds and they've all come together to make the sweetest, most loyal creature I have ever met. I like to think people who know me realize that I possess those very same qualities. Upon meeting Jazz for the first time, my dear friend said that she is just a dog version of me. While he was mostly referring to her energy, over-exuberance and tendency to resist control, I hope he was also referring to her more lovable qualities. I told my best friend last night that I strive to be like Jazz. I want to be the kind of creature that people stop their cars in traffic to notice and admire. I certainly don't want to cause any accidents or anything but sometimes I do long for a bit more attention. Even saying that makes me feel somewhat selfish and conceited but it is the truth. I don't think anyone wants to be ignored and forgotten for their entire life. Being ignored and forgotten is something Jazz will certainly never be. She simply won't allow it! No matter where I walk in my house, she is right behind me like my shadow. I appreciate her loyalty but it makes turning around abruptly somewhat tricky and we've almost had a mama and pup pileup more than once. When I work at my computer she lays right behind my chair and come 9pm she starts pacing back and forth from the bedroom to the living room/office looking longingly at me with eyes that say "bedtime mama?" She is not pleased with my later hours recently and she usually gives up trying to put me to bed by 10pm and goes in my room and onto her bed to begin snoring away. Jazzmin never skimps with her love; she loves everyone she meets. She always wants to go say hi to new people and dogs and I admire her extroverted nature. I imagine it's all part of being a dog, that seemingly limitless happiness, friendliness and curiosity. Now that I have my pup, I don't honestly know how I survived without her. She is my constant source of love and comfort. She gives me hope that if a dog can love me that much and gravitate toward the kind heart within me, then perhaps someday the man I share my love with will feel that same pull. Every time I step outside my house I am greeted by the song of my local house wren. He can actually be heard even when the windows are closed, his song is so high, trill and persistent. I first heard him in March as he hopped among the branches in the pine tree that towers over my house in the front yard. I didn't realize what he was up to until I went out to fill the feeder in that tree one day and discovered the perches on it stuffed with pine tree twigs and feathers. I briefly considered removing the twigs but then decided to just remove the cap of the feeder so he could get his twigs into the fake little plastic house easier. That front feeder had never been particularly popular with the birds and I admired his determination. I did some research on house wrens and learned that the males create several nests in the hopes that they'll be able to persuade a female to mate with them. In the human world it might be equivalent to a man coming up to a woman and saying he has six lovely homes in different scenic locations and she can pick whichever one she likes most, if she'll just agree to be his for a while. Depending on the woman, she might slap the man or pause and contemplate the possibilities. Regardless, the male house wren certainly isn't lazy and should be admired for his effort. I decided I'd help improve his odds by hanging the birdhouse my daughter painted last year in the pine tree in the back yard. Sure enough, within a few days the thing was stuffed to overflowing with twigs and grass. Every day without fail he's out there twittering away as he flies from the front pine tree to the back pine tree singing out hopefully for a female. This has been going on for months now and the poor guy still hasn't found a mate. I haven't heard the answering call of a female house wren even once and I truly feel for the little feathered bachelor. Apparently even in the animal world, finding love can be a real challenge. I often wonder what it is about this male that the females find lacking. Do they think he's not strong or handsome enough? Well they're wrong there because I've seen him up close and he has nice plumage and gets rather feisty when I investigate one of his nests. I have no doubt he will stoutly defend his family when the time comes. Is there simply a shortage of female house wrens locally? This is a distinct possibility since I haven't seen a single potential mate for him yet. Perhaps he should try flying further afield to increase his chances. After all, one never knows where love will be found and the quest for it can lead to places never seen before. Maybe, just maybe, if he spreads his wings a little wider, musters the full power of his courage and journeys outside his usual territory, he will find exactly what he's looking for. I have great hope for him and look forward to someday seeing eggs in one of his many nests. I understand his plight, for while I do not use my voice to sing out for my love, I call to him with my spirit and my heart and I continue to believe that there will come a day when we are together. Until then, I will continue to work on my nests and fly around trying to navigate the unpredictable winds of life. The air was very still tonight
The glow of fireflies the only light I heard a rumbling in the distance Mother Nature in her usual dance. A cloudy darkness, thick and warm Will be no drier after the storm And yet to breathe it in brings comfort For someone of the simple earthy sort. Bare feet upon upon a cool deck I step to the railing just to check What stretches beyond the open field And wonder what life will someday yield. The first big drops of rain start to fall I close my eyes, smile, enjoy it all My skin, my clothes, my hair all wet But I am not ready to go inside yet. There is something so cleansing about warm rain How it opens my heart and washes away the pain So many dreams I haven't claimed My spirit wild and forever untamed. I am a lover, fighter, champion and friend Who like the willow has learned to bend For in this life there are no rewards To those who never lay down their swords. There must be balance to keep things going To accept and understand that even hurt is worth knowing The lessons are not always fun And some battles can not be won. Every storm comes fierce and strong But such power and fury can't last long And when peace returns and turmoil is gone There will always be a brighter and more beautiful dawn. I love road trips, always have, always will. Most people don't seem to believe me when I say I love driving to new places and seeing new sights. I truly do. I get such a sense of freedom driving on the open highway in my four door Explorer and as it has a manual transmission, I like to pretend I'm behind the wheel of a real performance vehicle. That's a huge delusion because the thing is a dog and passing anyone with any speed usually involves shifting into 3rd of even 2nd. Oh well, it's a stick so it's still hotter than most other SUVs out there and when that baby is running right it serves me well on my drives. It has cruise control too and I usually remember that about an hour into my drive which comes in very handy. Someday I'll remember that detail at the beginning of a drive...
This Friday I'm driving east to see a friend I haven't seen in 7 months and I'm so excited! Considering all of my friends are at least two hours away, I don't get to see them as often as I'd like and the further away they are, the longer between visits. The friend I'm seeing Friday was the subject of my Bravery and a Big Heart blog and he is definitely worth the drive. He's a busy guy, so nailing him down to a date hasn't been easy, obviously. I'm bringing my lovable dog Jazzmin with me and I can tell she's already as excited about a road trip as I am. She doesn't know or care what the destination is, she's just eager to go on a trip with mama lol. Road trips always go faster with good music and I've downloaded some new tunes lately that are perfect for singing and car dancing along to. I'm very "old school" in that I still burn mix CDs to listen to in my car and tonight I'll be packing my 15 case with my musical selections. I know all about plugging MP3 players into cars and such but my vehicle only has a CD player and those radio transmitter things never sound as clean as just popping a CD in. Someday I'll get on board with all the modern technology but for now I use CDs that I occasionally have to blow off and rub on my pant leg when they start skipping. If it works for the most part and it isn't broken, that's how I roll. It all adds to my uniqueness and as I often say, perfect is impossible and normal is boring. My rough edges and smooth curves ;) are what make me, me. Today is my birthday. When I was younger birthdays were the best days ever, with family, friends, fun, cake and presents. These days birthdays for me are bittersweet celebrations. I am blessed to have two beautiful daughters, a loving family and devoted friends and I will never take any of that for granted. Still, I selfishly wish my friends could be with me today and I still long for a present I know I can't have: my father back. I know my father is always with me in spirit and that he's at peace now but I miss those great, strong, tangible hugs of his every day of my life. I'll hug my girls a bit tighter today, take a bit longer to part from my mother this evening when dinner is over, and enjoy the long distance well wishes from my friends while wishing that they were with me in person...
For the past several years I've had a really hard time coming up with things to put on a birthday list. It isn't that I don't know what I want; it's that the gifts I want can't be purchased at any store in the universe. I want simple happiness, fulfillment, a great future for my girls, my mother to live forever, my brothers to be the men they were meant to be, to share my books and paintings with the world, to be able to sing without going flat (a girl can dream lol), to never be a burden to those who love me, to always be able to make people laugh and smile, to be the beautiful sunshine my parents always saw in me...and to have a man who can love me as unconditionally as my father did and see my light even when I am in the darkest of shadows. Oh, and to have some flowers actually bloom in my wreck of a garden this year would be great too. Not too much to ask for, I think? Intangible gifts are so much harder to acquire than tangible gifts but truly priceless. All the shiny, pretty things in the world are nothing compared to the love of family and friends and it is an amazing blessing when you finally realize that. Today is my birthday but I am not so conceited as to claim an entire day as my own, so I wish all who read this a truly wonderful day full of everything that touches your heart and lifts your spirit. On the weekends when I have my daughters, my cell phone alarm wakes me up playing the song "Telling the World" by Taio Cruz. It is truly inspiring to wake up to the words "Every part of my heart I'm giving out, every song on my lips I'm singing out..." I open my eyes and greet the day and my heart and spirit beat in the optimistic hope that someday, the man I chose to share my heart with will wake up knowing how lucky he is to have me as his girl. Perhaps that sounds a little conceited, but to me it really isn't that much to ask. Ask women what they think romance is and I guarantee you'll get a variety of different answers. Sure there are the usual flowers, jewelry, candy, remembering important dates, etc. that pop into mind first, but romance is so much more than that! Romance shouldn't be about materialistic "things" and flowers that wilt, it should be about something deeper and more enduring. To me the smallest gestures touch me where it counts. Opening a car or entrance door for me, pulling out my chair at the table, holding my hand, moving my hair off my shoulders, touching my face, meeting my gaze when I speak, kissing me, wanting to be close to me no matter where we are, missing me when we're apart...and so much more. I love affection, I love feeling coveted, I love knowing that the person I'm with truly appreciates all that makes me who I am and will never hold it against me when I stumble along the complicated path of life. I know I love all those things even though I have never actually experienced all of them. I suppose that's what makes me such a prolific romance writer; that eternal hope and desire for something I'm not entirely sure exists... I love lilacs. Their clusters of delicate looking blooms, their bright green leaves, and their simple sweet beautiful fragrance. I was so excited when I moved into my house last summer and discovered that the bushes in my back yard were lilacs. The bushes are already well established and too tall for the deer to do too much damage to so I was hopeful I'd have tons of blooms in spring. Alas, this spring was not kind to them. The weather warmed up really early in March and my lilac bushes all budded out looking eager to bloom. Then we got almost an entire month full of frigid nights, wind, rain and snow and my efforts to preserve the delicate buds failed. By the time the weather warmed up and stayed warm almost all of the multitude of buds on my lilac bushes had wilted and drooped on their stems. There are a few tiny clusters of blossoms that survived on the smaller bushes and I'm certain next spring they will all be amazing if Mother Nature has a few less mood swings.
With my bushes ruined, I had to get my lilac fix elsewhere. Happily there are some homes in the town I work in that have lilac bushes. I take a walk on my lunch break whenever the weather is nice enough, and yesterday the rain had finally stopped and the sun peaked out now and then. I hit the sidewalk with my cell phone serving as my MP3 player and my ear buds blasting up-tempo music into my senses. There was a nice breeze to help cool my skin and the leaves were coming out on all the trees and I couldn't help but smile. Due to the erratic weather, the lilacs seem to be blooming at all different times so while one lilac bush I walk by was past its peak, another one I passed on my way back was in its full glory. It was in the yard of the American Legion and it was so beautiful I had to get closer. I walked up to it, cupped one of its overflowing clusters of blooms in my hands, closed my eyes and lowered my nose to breathe in their sweet fragrance. I grew up with tree-size lilac bushes behind my house and whenever I smell lilacs I'm taken back to those younger days when life seemed so much simpler. I could have stood there for hours enjoying those lilacs but alas I had to return to work before my break was over. So yes, I do actually stop to smell the flowers. In this busy life with its seemingly non-stop pace, I make sure I always take the time to press pause and enjoy the peaceful moments. Tomorrow is never guaranteed and now may be all we have. Every moment, every memory, every new experience, every lesson, every smile, every hug, every kiss...claim them, embrace them, and know that no one can ever take their power from your spirit. |
AuthorMy words are like my brush strokes, I'm never quite sure where they'll flow to and when they'll stop. Categories
All
Archives
May 2013
|