My father's 68th birthday, 5/6/2009 October. It used to be my favorite month. Halloween was/is my favorite holiday because of the mystical aspects of it, not because of the scary aspects. I like black cats, flittering bats, full moons and magic. The magic of October has weakened for me though and now it is a month I just try to get through. Ever since my father died in October of 2009, I dread October. My father died on a Wednesday and for a very long time Wednesdays were horrible for me. They're still not my favorite day but I don't believe they're cursed anymore. I've had some very good things happen on Wednesdays in the past year and I try to focus on that. I always try to focus on the positive but it isn't always easy. Holidays without my father are painful. His birthday, family birthdays, Father's Day and all the big holidays have lost so much of their warmth without him. I still remember how happy he was on his last birthday when I frosted the cake in a cute if not exactly artistic way. I loved making his birthday cake because he always made mine when I was growing up. I was returning the love and thoughtfulness he always bestowed upon me. Three years. Sometimes it feels like three seconds. I'm back in that moment on that Wednesday sitting at my old kitchen table with my mother sitting across from me in tears as she tells me that they took him off life support and he passed that afternoon. I still remember that small flicker of hope within me that made me believe for just a moment that she'd tell me that he'd started breathing on his own. He hadn't. His spirit was still strong but his body had endured too much and he couldn't physically fight anymore. I understood, I did, but I still cried and it still hurt worse than having a knife twisted in my heart. My father was gone. I would've given anything to have him back. I remember hugging my father for the last time. Oh how I wish I'd hugged him tighter and longer! I told him I loved him like I always did when I left my parents' house. I couldn't imagine then that I'd never be able to hug him again in my lifetime. For several months after his passing I didn't want anyone touching me, I didn't want anyone close. I felt I'd failed him somehow and that letting anyone touch me would just bring more pain. I didn't truly have that choice though, I had two very important people that needed my touch and care every day: my daughters. Without my daughters I wouldn't have had the strength to get out of bed every day. As much as I wanted to pull the covers up over my head and wallow in sorrow and darkness, I couldn't. I was a stay at home mom and they depended on me and it wasn't within me to fail them. I am so truly blessed that I have my girls, they saved me. Losing my father brought several things to light in my life. I realized that life was too short to waste being unhappy and afraid. I no longer wished to be an unappreciated doormat for my then husband and so I sought divorce. I knew I'd need to provide for myself and my daughters so I went back to work. I wanted a place of my own without memories of a failed marriage so I started looking for a house. All rather drastic measures to take for a girl who was still trying to figure out who she was without the physical presence of her father. I felt my father's love for me and his strength within me and I still do. As desperate as I am to hug him just one more time, I know that isn't possible but I also know that he will never truly leave his little girl. I did not set out on an easy road after my father died. I did not remain safely within the sheltered cave that had become my life up until that point. I sought a brighter light and a better future and I do not regret any of it. I am happy with my life and I feel I'm doing a pretty good job. Yet I will admit that something is still missing. Though it might be easier for me to give up on love after everything I've been through, I can't. Despite the fact that every man who has hugged me since my father died has only brought me heartache, I still believe a good man exists for me. A man like my father who can love and accept me unconditionally and who can share his heart with me without qualms or fear. I have loved men but that love has never truly been returned and so I keep searching. When I connect with someone I do not entirely believe it is just coincidence. Everything happens for a reason. Every connection comes from something deeper, some kindred spirit. Each connection begins a new quest and I am ever hopeful for the future. It will happen when it is meant to and then the bigger picture will finally and completely make sense. I have faith.
2 Comments
JulieAnn
10/14/2012 11:13:56 pm
Thank you, Amy. He really was an amazing man and father.
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