Nothing in this life is certain and that is the only thing I'm certain of sometimes. Uncertainty and the fear of the unknown used to cause me great worry and anxiety but I think I've finally realized that some things are just beyond my powers to control or understand. I know how strong I am, I know who I love, I know what I want from life, I know where I've come from and I know where I don't ever want to be again. The ground still falls out from under me sometimes and my heart still breaks but I've learned how to hover and that my heart will eventually somehow miraculously heal itself. I have this crazy idea for my future but to me it makes perfect sense. I am motivated and determined and I will achieve it. My original reason for seeking this new future has become clouded with annoying uncertainty and so I've altered my reasons in order to make a bridge over the unknown. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that what I do, I have to do for myself. I can't do things because they'll please someone else or bring me physically closer to someone. Being in closer proximity to a person doesn't mean I will be any closer emotionally to them. So instead, I focus on why I want to be where I will someday be. I will be closer to so many things I love and want to experience in my life and I know they will fill my heart and spirit and make unrequited love a thing of the past. I have never been directly asked this but I have asked my friends a similar question many times. What inspires me? My biggest inspiration is my father. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss him with all my heart and wish he was still on this world. I know he is at peace now but there have been so many times when his little girl desperately needed his words of wisdom, his unconditional love and his wonderful bear hugs. I don't presume to know how anyone else who has lost their father feels, but I know how I feel. Losing him left an emptiness inside me that will never quite be filled but also uncovered a strength in myself I wasn't aware I possessed. He was such a good man and a true example of what every person should strive to be. His big, kind heart, sense of humor, accepting nature, easygoing temperament and great love for his family inspire me every day and in everything I do. I will continue to make him proud because though I've faltered and lost my way sometimes, I know he has never lost faith in me and that he is proud of everything I've accomplished. I am inspired by my mother and the strong, fiery nature I inherited from her and continue to build on. From her I learned to fight for what I want because I'm the only one who truly knows how to obtain my desires. She taught me that sometimes you just have to grab on and pull really hard or push and shove with all your strength to achieve the desired results, but the rewards are definitely worth it! I am inspired by my best friend because she is one of the most amazing people I've ever met and she loved and accepted me when no one else in this world would. She has a formidable power within her to bring happiness and joy to everyone she meets. As she comes into her own and gains victory in her battles, her light will only grow brighter and radiate stronger until nothing will ever again be able to dull her shine. I am inspired by my other close friend who isn't afraid to take brave leaps into the unknown and follow her heart. I admire her youthful wisdom and she has taught me so much and continues to humor my "adorable" naivety. I am inspired by my dear friend and his courageous heart, his devotion to his family and friends, his patience, his infinite spirit and his compassion. I am not entirely certain he realizes what an exceptional person he is but I do. No matter what happens between us, I will always consider him a good man and a beloved friend. There are so many other things that inspire me but alas, I've run out of time this morning to continue writing. For the moment I am still this lone woman in the country who is obsessed with the sky, endures unrequited love in stride while sharing her big heart with every creature she meets and whose writing voice is still mostly undiscovered. But that is all just momentary and not eternal. Soon the country will give way to busier streets and water views and an excitement to life I have only imagined. My future destination can't quite comprehend the whirlwind in store for it when I arrive...
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AuthorMy words are like my brush strokes, I'm never quite sure where they'll flow to and when they'll stop. Categories
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May 2013
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