"You need to learn to relax..." Words of wisdom from someone who at the time of saying them was probably rolling his eyes in exasperation. It isn't that I can't relax at all; it's that I relax about the wrong things and don't work hard enough at others. My worries and fears tend to rule my actions more than they should, and while the fact that I'm a woman gives me some leeway with that, it's not really a good way to live. I did my best to listen to him in that particular situation, took a deep breath and tried to have faith and trust that everything would be okay. As it turned out, things were just fine and I had once again wasted energy on counterproductive concerns. My belief that nothing in life should ever be taken for granted makes it difficult to sit back and trust that certain things in my life will remain constant. Doubting the strength and truth of those parts of my life just makes them weaker and that's the last thing I want. I haven't been very good at not taking certain other things for granted though and that has to stop. I've wasted far too much time thinking that somehow the future I want will just land in my lap and obviously that isn't going to happen. I had to work harder than I ever had before to gain my independence and while that left me perhaps understandably exhausted, I took far too long resting and found myself behind in my other goals. I know what I want in my life and I know that it's going to take true, unfaltering dedication on my part to get it. I have great friends that support and encourage me but they can't do the work for me, nor should they. I was going quite strong a few months ago and then I let my emotions get the better of me and fell behind again. I know we all stumble now and then but I did a pathetic job of picking myself back up and moving on. Instead I just stayed on my knees crying and wallowed in the pain of my cuts and bruises. I'd crawl a few steps and stop and expect someone to help me up...and that didn't really happen. Sometimes it's difficult for anyone to get through to me and it's entirely up to me to suck it up and move on. I have great strength and the ability to do whatever I put my mind to and now that I've picked myself up again, I'm going to make damn sure I don't stumble again.
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AuthorMy words are like my brush strokes, I'm never quite sure where they'll flow to and when they'll stop. Categories
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May 2013
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