Today is my birthday. When I was younger birthdays were the best days ever, with family, friends, fun, cake and presents. These days birthdays for me are bittersweet celebrations. I am blessed to have two beautiful daughters, a loving family and devoted friends and I will never take any of that for granted. Still, I selfishly wish my friends could be with me today and I still long for a present I know I can't have: my father back. I know my father is always with me in spirit and that he's at peace now but I miss those great, strong, tangible hugs of his every day of my life. I'll hug my girls a bit tighter today, take a bit longer to part from my mother this evening when dinner is over, and enjoy the long distance well wishes from my friends while wishing that they were with me in person...
For the past several years I've had a really hard time coming up with things to put on a birthday list. It isn't that I don't know what I want; it's that the gifts I want can't be purchased at any store in the universe. I want simple happiness, fulfillment, a great future for my girls, my mother to live forever, my brothers to be the men they were meant to be, to share my books and paintings with the world, to be able to sing without going flat (a girl can dream lol), to never be a burden to those who love me, to always be able to make people laugh and smile, to be the beautiful sunshine my parents always saw in me...and to have a man who can love me as unconditionally as my father did and see my light even when I am in the darkest of shadows. Oh, and to have some flowers actually bloom in my wreck of a garden this year would be great too. Not too much to ask for, I think? Intangible gifts are so much harder to acquire than tangible gifts but truly priceless. All the shiny, pretty things in the world are nothing compared to the love of family and friends and it is an amazing blessing when you finally realize that. Today is my birthday but I am not so conceited as to claim an entire day as my own, so I wish all who read this a truly wonderful day full of everything that touches your heart and lifts your spirit.
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I am a stubborn little thing. When someone tells me I can't do something, I do my darnedest to prove them wrong. I have this eternal fire within me that drives me to work harder and test the limits of my own strength. For too long a period in my life I was made of this very fragile and breakable stuff and I had to be very careful to protect myself from any potential threat that might crack or shatter me. That all changed when my father died and I realized that protecting myself from living had robbed me of true happiness and allowed me to be unfairly trapped in a proverbial cave. I quickly rediscovered just how much of my father's strength and spirit exists within me once he was no longer on this earth to try and drive that point into my hard little head.
The quest to gain my own happiness and freedom was not an easy one, but my determination never faltered and I clung to the faith that life really would get better. I had some great friends supporting me through my transition and metamorphosis and they have my eternal gratitude! There were many middle of the night texts and tear-filled phone calls and unexpected and heart breaking setbacks but with a little (okay a lot of) help from my friends, I survived. Friendships that endured all that and continued into my life of freedom are more rare than diamonds and truly priceless. The weather this past weekend was absolutely beautiful and I spent the majority of it outside working on something or other. I weed whacked for the first time in my life and I actually had fun. Yes, I said fun, that wasn't a typo. My forearms were killing me and I was covered with dandelion guts by the time I finished but I was grinning from ear to ear because I had cleaned up MY yard! No one was there telling me I was doing it wrong or that I'd missed a spot or any such stupid thing. It's my house and my yard and while I might not do things the way others would, I don't honestly care because how I do things works just perfectly for me. I also planted my little flower sprouts in my first attempt at a real garden. My father's green thumb doesn't come naturally or easy to me, I really have to work for it, but I'm up to the task! The sun likes to mess with me, as my friend says, and it beat down on me the entire time I was sitting in my garden digging little holes, planting seeds and playing in the dirt. The back of my neck was thoroughly sunburned by the time I finished and stood up and it was then that the sun decided to vanish behind a huge bank of clouds. I rolled my eyes at the way Mother Nature toys with me but I smiled at my hard work. I don't know how many of my seeds will actually grow into mature flowers but I'm hoping by the end of summer I'll have at least a few daisies for my children to pick. Today every muscle in my body is sore and I'm scratched, bruised and burned but all I can say is...bring it! There's always a new challenge to face and new obstacles to overcome but I can handle it, I always do somehow. Go ahead and tell me I can't do something; I'll just dig my heels in, roll up my sleeves, muster my strength and set my stubborn little spirit in motion to prove you wrong. This past Sunday, May 6th, would have been my father's 71st birthday. I knew it wasn't going to be an easy day and in fact the weeks leading up to it were rough too. I tend to push certain thoughts away for as long as I can until they suddenly flood back to me and the dam breaks. Once that dam breaks it's hard to stop the tears so I hold it together for as long as possible. There are so many occasions and just daily events that make me miss my father. Taking walks through the woods, cooking the meals he showed me, having a rough day and desperately needing a hug from him. Barely a breath goes by where I don't long to hear him say "hey, beautiful" as he smiles warmly at me. I was always beautiful to him.
There was also a full moon this past Sunday and whenever I see the moon I think of my father. When I was a teenager he and I walked down to the park in the middle of winter to watch a lunar eclipse and I remember sitting on the swings with him listening to him talk about the stars and planets. My mother tells me that when I was little he used to take me out on his shoulders at night to say goodnight to the moon and while I don't remember that, my heart knows how sacred that is. So I went out Sunday night and stood in my back yard and waited patiently for the moon to rise over the hills. My black cat Owl kept me company as she nestled down in the grass and I eventually had to bring my dog Jazzmin out because she was displeased mama was outside without her. Having Jazz and Owl both out in the yard only created one instance of the dog trying to chase the cat and drag me after but once that was all straightened, life returned to calm. Watching the sky and clouds illuminated by the moonlight before it even cleared the hills was absolutely beautiful and for once it wasn't windy. I was chilled by the time the moon rose but seeing it full and bright warmed my heart and spirit. My father is always watching over his little girl and even through my tears I always see his kind face and feel his love for me in the light of the moon. I miss you, Daddy... Hard work is just that: hard. Waiting for what you want to just fall into your lap is a waste of time. Uncovering the true treasures in life involves serious effort and that makes possessing them that much more precious. Sometimes in order to get what you want you have to reevaluate and redesign your entire life and perspective. This does not mean changing who you are essentially as a person, doing that is NEVER a good idea. Changing who you are to please someone else will just turn you into someone you don’t even recognize. Don’t compromise your entire identity for a relationship or for a career, make your relationship and your career fit you, not the other way around.
One of the keys to finding success and happiness in any and every part of your life is being right with yourself first. Be confident in your own talents and abilities, be comfortable in your own skin, walk tall and strong through every challenge life sets before you. If you fall, pick yourself back up and know that the scars you’ve received are badges of honor, not marks of disgrace. Don’t let negative things people say about you define how you think about yourself. Know that you are a good person and that there’s no such thing as being perfect. Perfect is boring and stale, be exciting and original and the people around you will be drawn to that. Concentrate on honing and intensifying your positive energy until it flows outward into the world and amazing things will begin to happen. Believe in yourself and know that you are capable of attaining any goal you desire. If you’re tired of your current job, don’t just stew about it, make a plan for change and set things in motion. Grumbling about the same old routine will not alter its course at all, but knowing what you want and going after it, will! If it is love and a meaningful relationship you seek, then you first need to love yourself and be a complete person before you even try to share yourself with someone else. Missing pieces and emptiness within yourself will make it all too easy for you to lose yourself in someone else and allow them to manipulate you if their intentions are less than noble. You want to be with someone who loves you for you and who knows the right way to give you a gentle encouraging shove when you stumble on the oftentimes challenging road of life. Know that you deserve someone who can “roll” with all your unique quirks and who won’t ever try to change you, life is too short to settle for anything else. There is a poem by Richard Bach that says: “If you love something, set it free; if it comes backs it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was.” Set yourself free, let your inhibitions and fears go and you’ll discover that what returns to you is exactly what you’ve been trying so hard to find. Strive for a life of fulfillment, be good with and to yourself, and know that you deserve every happiness that comes to you. |
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