I went to the lake Friday evening after work. There were storms rolling in from the south and while it was warm and humid, the strong winds off the lake kept my skin cool. I love being by the water and while I prefer the ocean waves, lake ripples will do for now. As it was such a nice summer night, there were plenty of people walking the sidewalks of the lake park, enjoying the fenced in beach and cruising around in boats. I had my hair down and was wearing one of my summer dresses and while the wind thoroughly tangled my long tresses, it only tried to blow my skirt up a few times. I stood by the shore looking down the lake for quite some time and was rewarded by several flashes of lightning off in the distance. The storm never came any closer than that but it certainly made for a beautifully tumultuous sky. I eventually left my spot by the shore and walked the gravel paths that outline that northern area of the lake. I am often a quiet observer in life and I passed many people as I walked. There were couples and families and owners walking their dogs and I soon realized that I was the only person there alone. Watching the couples and families walk by, I noticed that many of them didn't even seem to be enjoying having company. The couples were talking about this, that and the other thing without even holding hands and the families were busily trying to wrangle kids and appearing rather frustrated with that endeavor. I wonder how many of them ever took just one moment to savor the blessings they have in their life and breathe in everything around them. I wasn't truly alone as I walked. I carry so many people within my heart and thoughts of them keep me company. My father's spirit is forever near his little girl and I knew he would've been enjoying the windy evening at the lake as much as I was. Had my best friend been with me we would've been talking at high speed and giggling about our long history together. Just thinking of her made me smile. The man I love is never far from my thoughts and his company in my heart is truly all I have of him most of the time. I took several photographs trying to capture it all and hoping that some of them would come out decent enough to share with him later. He does actually know what he's doing with a camera and I am envious of how he so effortlessly expresses a moment in a photograph. I eventually found myself standing at the end of one of the boat docks facing into the wind and smiling. The sun had long ago disappeared behind the gray and blue clouds and the waves were growing more turbulent as the storms circled the area. I closed my eyes and brought thoughts of all those I love to the surface of my mind and felt my emotions swirling in my heart. They are always with me and I sent my love out to them so that they will know that I am forever with them. Until we can all be physically together, joined in spirit will suffice and it keeps me strong enough to work toward that eventual amazing meeting of all those I hold dear.
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I've been slacking and haven't taken Jazzmin on a good walk in a while. It's been too warm or too buggy...or some other stupid excuse. Well it was cooler last night and the nastiest of the biting flies have died out for the summer so off we went! As usual, Jazz was raring to go, but as I'm teaching her not to pull, we stopped five times before we even made it to the end of my road. The local bunnies were testing her obedience by munching happily away in the shoulder of the road and while Jazz wanted to chase the adorable little fluffy things, I kept her under control and made her sit until they hopped off out of sight. That distraction dealt with, we resumed our stride. The air was a little thick but there was a nice breeze to help cool the sweat and I decided I'd take Jazz halfway up the biggest hill on our walk route. The sun had nearly set and neither of us was at our aerobic peak anymore so it seemed like a reasonable plan. We got halfway up without any trouble and I paused just a moment before deciding we were going to conquer the whole hill. Halfway had been easy enough and we weren't overly winded and continuing the uphill climb didn't seem daunting at all. After all, we'd done it many times before... I quickly remembered that the hill gets much steeper after the halfway point as my calves and thighs burned and Jazz's tongue began to drag on the ground. She certainly wasn't pulling anymore and we were both panting but we kept going at our strong pace and sure enough we made it up! The view of the surrounding countryside is amazing from the top of that hill and it's like stepping into a whole new world. I was very proud of myself and my breath soon returned. No one was there cheering me on or pushing me to go all the way up and Jazz would have been fine turning around, but I'm just not someone who can go halfway. Even if it seems crazy and risky, I go all the way and I'm constantly testing my own limits and discovering my own strength. In order to be a source of strength for those I love, I have to first be strong myself. I have to have faith that somehow things will be okay. As I told my best friend last night, there are more dimensions to faith than there are stars in the sky. My friend has told me that with Jazz I need to be the leader, he says it's up to me to show her the way. Have confidence, he says. Great words of advice for much more than training my pup! I admit that my confidence can waver on occasion and it really never should because I know in my heart that I am an amazing woman and that I can handle, and have handled, anything life throws at me. Life lessons are rarely easy and they hurt, but I know that when I keep going and push through the pain, all the suffering will be healed by the bright, beautiful light that forever shines through the darkness. Growing up, the teacher comments on my report cards have said various things. "Works well under pressure." "Needs to participate more." "Works well independently." Hmm, perhaps that last one was a nice way of saying that I don't play well with others. That's a somewhat harsh interpretation of my personality but it gets the gist. I actually do play well with others and I enjoy being in fun social groups but my inherently shy nature can make it difficult for me to make new friends. On the opposite spectrum of that, when I do open myself up, I tend to reveal too much and it can be a bit overwhelming for potential friends. I can't help it, it's how I am and in order to be my friend you have to understand and accept every unique and quirky piece of me. I don't believe in keeping parts of my personality secret in order to win more people to my side. All I can ever be is genuine, 100% me. I may never be hip and up to date on the latest slang and phrases but it's apparently amusing to be with me and witness everything I don't know. People seem to find it difficult to comprehend that a woman my age has limited knowledge of certain things and a naivety that seems to contradict the years I've been on this world. Truth is that I'm proud of the innocence I still possess and the optimism in my spirit that life still hasn't crushed out of me, and never will be taken from me. I still wake every day to the songs of the birds and know that each dawn brings a fresh start and new endless potential. Each and every moment, even the ones that challenge all of us, is a gift to be cherished. Sorrowful tears one moment turn into laughter in the next breath, and the warmth of the sun banishes the coldest and darkest of days. Shine! People love my dog Jazzmin. Wherever I go with her, whether it's on a walk over the hills where I live or on a road trip, random strangers come up to me and tell me how beautiful she is. I've even had people stop their cars in the middle of the road to say what a pretty dog she is and ask me what breed she is. My answer varies depending on the situation but there is never any doubt about how much I love her. The simplest answer is that Jazzmin is a mutt...just like me. She is a blend of many breeds and they've all come together to make the sweetest, most loyal creature I have ever met. I like to think people who know me realize that I possess those very same qualities. Upon meeting Jazz for the first time, my dear friend said that she is just a dog version of me. While he was mostly referring to her energy, over-exuberance and tendency to resist control, I hope he was also referring to her more lovable qualities. I told my best friend last night that I strive to be like Jazz. I want to be the kind of creature that people stop their cars in traffic to notice and admire. I certainly don't want to cause any accidents or anything but sometimes I do long for a bit more attention. Even saying that makes me feel somewhat selfish and conceited but it is the truth. I don't think anyone wants to be ignored and forgotten for their entire life. Being ignored and forgotten is something Jazz will certainly never be. She simply won't allow it! No matter where I walk in my house, she is right behind me like my shadow. I appreciate her loyalty but it makes turning around abruptly somewhat tricky and we've almost had a mama and pup pileup more than once. When I work at my computer she lays right behind my chair and come 9pm she starts pacing back and forth from the bedroom to the living room/office looking longingly at me with eyes that say "bedtime mama?" She is not pleased with my later hours recently and she usually gives up trying to put me to bed by 10pm and goes in my room and onto her bed to begin snoring away. Jazzmin never skimps with her love; she loves everyone she meets. She always wants to go say hi to new people and dogs and I admire her extroverted nature. I imagine it's all part of being a dog, that seemingly limitless happiness, friendliness and curiosity. Now that I have my pup, I don't honestly know how I survived without her. She is my constant source of love and comfort. She gives me hope that if a dog can love me that much and gravitate toward the kind heart within me, then perhaps someday the man I share my love with will feel that same pull. Yesterday was a very good day! My day was occupied writing a particularly unique ghost writing article that I may never live down among my friends. The day was also filled with laughs with my best friend via text. She and I understand each other so well and have so much yet to teach each other. I felt like a teenager again as I texted her because when we get together it's like no time has passed and we're 16 years old again. It's the best feeling in the world and allows both of us to forget the issues that come with being adults. Nothing beats knowing that we're never really alone in the world!
I spent the evening with my girls, playing outside and enjoying the lovely weather. My youngest and I had one of our usual interesting conversations about shapes in the clouds, why cats don't come when called and why I take my shoes off when I'm relaxing in my lawn chaise. Both my girls are constantly surprising me with how bright, beautiful and smart they are, and I know they have within them the best parts of me, though magnified a hundredfold and greatly improved upon. They are my greatest gifts in this world and I have faith they will achieve all their dreams, no matter what obstacles they face along the way. I'm pretty sure my stubborn determination is genetic after all... Once the girls were in bed for the night, I settled at my desk to finish my ghost writing article. I had a fresh cup of coffee to help me stay awake but was still having a hard time staying alert and focused on the subject matter. My thoughts started to wander to the following night which would begin four straight days of not seeing my girls at all when they go to their father's. It will be the first such stretch of the summer. It was extremely hard on me last year when the summer custody schedule began because it was my first time not seeing them at all and they had been the center of my whole universe for their entire lives. They're still the center of my universe but I've become better at dealing with being without them; though I will never be completely accepting of it. Amid fighting against a threatening downward swing, my east coast friend started texting me jokes out of the blue which caught me completely off guard. I started reading what he was sending and was immediately laughing so hard tears were running down my face. Talk about a reversal of emotions! I continued to write my article with welcome pauses to read the jokes and laugh, and the amusement kept me awake long enough to finish the work. I was so grateful for the unexpected and perhaps unintentional rescue, and it made my day of amazing positive experiences complete! I went to sleep still chuckling and filled with gratitude for the love my friends show me. It was an excellent reminder that even the lowest descent on the rollercoaster of life will eventually end, and the upward climb will begin once more. Keep looking where you want to go; keep looking up! "You need to learn to relax..." Words of wisdom from someone who at the time of saying them was probably rolling his eyes in exasperation. It isn't that I can't relax at all; it's that I relax about the wrong things and don't work hard enough at others. My worries and fears tend to rule my actions more than they should, and while the fact that I'm a woman gives me some leeway with that, it's not really a good way to live. I did my best to listen to him in that particular situation, took a deep breath and tried to have faith and trust that everything would be okay. As it turned out, things were just fine and I had once again wasted energy on counterproductive concerns. My belief that nothing in life should ever be taken for granted makes it difficult to sit back and trust that certain things in my life will remain constant. Doubting the strength and truth of those parts of my life just makes them weaker and that's the last thing I want. I haven't been very good at not taking certain other things for granted though and that has to stop. I've wasted far too much time thinking that somehow the future I want will just land in my lap and obviously that isn't going to happen. I had to work harder than I ever had before to gain my independence and while that left me perhaps understandably exhausted, I took far too long resting and found myself behind in my other goals. I know what I want in my life and I know that it's going to take true, unfaltering dedication on my part to get it. I have great friends that support and encourage me but they can't do the work for me, nor should they. I was going quite strong a few months ago and then I let my emotions get the better of me and fell behind again. I know we all stumble now and then but I did a pathetic job of picking myself back up and moving on. Instead I just stayed on my knees crying and wallowed in the pain of my cuts and bruises. I'd crawl a few steps and stop and expect someone to help me up...and that didn't really happen. Sometimes it's difficult for anyone to get through to me and it's entirely up to me to suck it up and move on. I have great strength and the ability to do whatever I put my mind to and now that I've picked myself up again, I'm going to make damn sure I don't stumble again. Time is such an unusual beast sometimes. It can pass so slowly and painfully, or speed by far too fast, or seem to have not existed at all. Never underestimate the amazing powers time possesses. After not seeing my friend for several months I expected to cry the moment I laid my eyes on him. To my surprise, I did not. Why? Because the moment I saw him again it felt like barely any time had passed at all and that it had only been mere days since we said goodbye. I only know one other person who I feel that way about and she is my best friend whom I have known for over 20 years. She and I knew each other for many years before life and distance separated us, whereas the friend I saw this weekend I haven't even known a year yet. It is an amazing familiarity to find twice in my life and one I feel blessed to have. My east coast friend and I are kindred spirits but we're certainly not exactly alike. He is a laid back and yet hard worker and I am an overly energetic creature who has trouble keeping focused. Wise people say that finding balance is important and I think he and I balance each other somewhat. We are both finding our way in this confusing, obstacle-filled world and we are both optimists. His strength is far more obvious and honed where mine tends to be hidden and disorganized. I do not believe I am completely hopeless though. He took me to a butterfly sanctuary and it was a wonderful experience! I love butterflies and they are very symbolic to me of hope and renewal. To see them all flying around in clusters, pairs and solo was truly beautiful. We were both using our camera phones to take pictures of the butterflies and I watched enviously as he would touch the screen on his phone to make his camera focus where he wanted it to. My phone has no such feature and an upgrade is not in the foreseeable future, so the pictures I took with it did not always focus on my intended subject. As I watched him touching to focus the picture, it reminded me much of what it takes to make me truly find my own focus. I need to be touched. Touching me physically and touching my heart is a powerful combination and it helps bring everything into focus for me. I feel like this wild, flickering light that's always bouncing around seeking a place to rest and never quite finding it. I glow brighter sometimes and grow dim during other times and I know that if I just focus my energy, I can harness the light within me and intensify it for the whole world to see. My friend and I parted after not quite a whole day together and it was not easy for me to say goodbye. I vowed that I would see him again and I will. Time is still weaving a complicated path for he and I and the timing itself still isn't quite right but I have hope and my eternal stubborn determination to help me through. Like a finger upon a touchscreen, I will touch to focus, trace a path through and over any obstacles in the way, and press on until my light glows so bright it's blinding. The air was very still tonight
The glow of fireflies the only light I heard a rumbling in the distance Mother Nature in her usual dance. A cloudy darkness, thick and warm Will be no drier after the storm And yet to breathe it in brings comfort For someone of the simple earthy sort. Bare feet upon upon a cool deck I step to the railing just to check What stretches beyond the open field And wonder what life will someday yield. The first big drops of rain start to fall I close my eyes, smile, enjoy it all My skin, my clothes, my hair all wet But I am not ready to go inside yet. There is something so cleansing about warm rain How it opens my heart and washes away the pain So many dreams I haven't claimed My spirit wild and forever untamed. I am a lover, fighter, champion and friend Who like the willow has learned to bend For in this life there are no rewards To those who never lay down their swords. There must be balance to keep things going To accept and understand that even hurt is worth knowing The lessons are not always fun And some battles can not be won. Every storm comes fierce and strong But such power and fury can't last long And when peace returns and turmoil is gone There will always be a brighter and more beautiful dawn. I love road trips, always have, always will. Most people don't seem to believe me when I say I love driving to new places and seeing new sights. I truly do. I get such a sense of freedom driving on the open highway in my four door Explorer and as it has a manual transmission, I like to pretend I'm behind the wheel of a real performance vehicle. That's a huge delusion because the thing is a dog and passing anyone with any speed usually involves shifting into 3rd of even 2nd. Oh well, it's a stick so it's still hotter than most other SUVs out there and when that baby is running right it serves me well on my drives. It has cruise control too and I usually remember that about an hour into my drive which comes in very handy. Someday I'll remember that detail at the beginning of a drive...
This Friday I'm driving east to see a friend I haven't seen in 7 months and I'm so excited! Considering all of my friends are at least two hours away, I don't get to see them as often as I'd like and the further away they are, the longer between visits. The friend I'm seeing Friday was the subject of my Bravery and a Big Heart blog and he is definitely worth the drive. He's a busy guy, so nailing him down to a date hasn't been easy, obviously. I'm bringing my lovable dog Jazzmin with me and I can tell she's already as excited about a road trip as I am. She doesn't know or care what the destination is, she's just eager to go on a trip with mama lol. Road trips always go faster with good music and I've downloaded some new tunes lately that are perfect for singing and car dancing along to. I'm very "old school" in that I still burn mix CDs to listen to in my car and tonight I'll be packing my 15 case with my musical selections. I know all about plugging MP3 players into cars and such but my vehicle only has a CD player and those radio transmitter things never sound as clean as just popping a CD in. Someday I'll get on board with all the modern technology but for now I use CDs that I occasionally have to blow off and rub on my pant leg when they start skipping. If it works for the most part and it isn't broken, that's how I roll. It all adds to my uniqueness and as I often say, perfect is impossible and normal is boring. My rough edges and smooth curves ;) are what make me, me. Today is my birthday. When I was younger birthdays were the best days ever, with family, friends, fun, cake and presents. These days birthdays for me are bittersweet celebrations. I am blessed to have two beautiful daughters, a loving family and devoted friends and I will never take any of that for granted. Still, I selfishly wish my friends could be with me today and I still long for a present I know I can't have: my father back. I know my father is always with me in spirit and that he's at peace now but I miss those great, strong, tangible hugs of his every day of my life. I'll hug my girls a bit tighter today, take a bit longer to part from my mother this evening when dinner is over, and enjoy the long distance well wishes from my friends while wishing that they were with me in person...
For the past several years I've had a really hard time coming up with things to put on a birthday list. It isn't that I don't know what I want; it's that the gifts I want can't be purchased at any store in the universe. I want simple happiness, fulfillment, a great future for my girls, my mother to live forever, my brothers to be the men they were meant to be, to share my books and paintings with the world, to be able to sing without going flat (a girl can dream lol), to never be a burden to those who love me, to always be able to make people laugh and smile, to be the beautiful sunshine my parents always saw in me...and to have a man who can love me as unconditionally as my father did and see my light even when I am in the darkest of shadows. Oh, and to have some flowers actually bloom in my wreck of a garden this year would be great too. Not too much to ask for, I think? Intangible gifts are so much harder to acquire than tangible gifts but truly priceless. All the shiny, pretty things in the world are nothing compared to the love of family and friends and it is an amazing blessing when you finally realize that. Today is my birthday but I am not so conceited as to claim an entire day as my own, so I wish all who read this a truly wonderful day full of everything that touches your heart and lifts your spirit. |
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