I have had many nicknames in my life and not all of them have been kind but that's probably true of most people. Those who know me well have their own unique nicknames or pet names for me and I'm very happy with that. To know me is to love me, my friends say and I tend to believe they mean that. In the many unpublished fantasy books I have written, I've had to come up with a large quantity of original character names. Most of them just popped into my head and some I made up by combining words in different languages. In one of my more recent books I created a character named Sriset and I thought at the time that I made the name up. Turns out the name exists in other cultures but I did not realize this until I started playing World of Warcraft. Yes, I said Warcraft. My older brother talked me into playing the online game and for many months I was hooked. I chose the name Sriset for my first character (she was a hunter) because I wanted a name that didn't exist on any realm in Warcraft yet. I just checked the Armory and I'm still the only Sriset which makes me rather proud. Mind you I haven't played in quite some time and don't intend to again anytime soon. I simply don't have the time. I knew nothing about online gaming when I started playing Warcraft and I only know slightly more after numerous months of playing. I was at one time a Guild Leader and my guild members started shortening my name to Sri. I became notorious for becoming lost in dungeons and on quests so I was also known as "Perpetually Lost Sri." I wore that name with a unique feeling of honor because it was true and because no matter how lost I became, my online friends were always nice enough to come find me. It is a truly interesting and nice feeling to know that a bunch of people who had never actually met me in person liked me enough through in game chatting to stick with me and call me friend. My fondness for the name Sriset will never fade and it is another extension of my persona. I feel it suits me on Twitter because as I used to do on Warcraft, I am daily questing to make new contacts and friends and learn about new places...though this time it is through descriptions limited to 140 characters. In real life I am quite often still "Lost Sri" but I have learned to find my way. I have also discovered that even a journey along the "wrong" path can turn out more right than ever imagined.
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I believe I've probably mentioned this in previous blogs, but I don't do things the usual way. If there's a normal, set path for doing something then I most assuredly deviate and blaze a new trail with my machete of determination. I set a goal and it is vivid in my mind and within my power to obtain and so I pursue it every way I can figure out how. As I'm traveling the new path, I think up all these ideas and aspects of my goal that were not immediately visible to me and I then have to find bridges over occasional pitfalls. Luckily for me, I was blessed with a clever and intelligent mind that continues to amaze me and I am always able to build that bridge and find the light in total darkness. I have never been and will never be, an average girl. Average is boring and predictable and I am vivacious and spontaneous. We are all of us extraordinary, if we just take the time to stop and look inside ourselves and realize what makes us all unique. I highly doubt following the rules brought success to any of the great trail blazers in history and being timid just means you get shoved aside out of the path of braver folks. I don't take being pushed aside well and I certainly don't abide by being overlooked and forgotten. To that end I've learned not to let certain things faze me and to accept that when someone fails to see my potential, it is a failing on their part and not my own. I'm tough and I'm strong but I am also very loving and expressive. It really is all about finding balance. In my quest for my dreams, I have posted the first of many installments in my Massachusetts story on the page appropriately named "Massachusetts." It truly is my story and not a fictional tale meant to draw in audiences. Writing fiction is far safer and what I'm accustomed to but playing it safe only seems to hold me back. You can certainly get to know an author through their fictional characters because they are all extensions of the writer, but I thought for now I'd just skip ahead and let you know the real me. My beloved English teacher told me in 11th grade that I should write my autobiography and I remember thinking he was crazy. I was only 16, what did I know of life yet? Turns out, he knew what he was talking about and finally at 35, I'm taking his advice. I regret that he has passed and is not here to witness my transformation from shy girl to brave, bold, determined, stubborn, strong woman but I know that his spirit is impressed and continues to cheer me on. Thank you, Derek, I promise I'll make you proud! Nothing in this life is certain and that is the only thing I'm certain of sometimes. Uncertainty and the fear of the unknown used to cause me great worry and anxiety but I think I've finally realized that some things are just beyond my powers to control or understand. I know how strong I am, I know who I love, I know what I want from life, I know where I've come from and I know where I don't ever want to be again. The ground still falls out from under me sometimes and my heart still breaks but I've learned how to hover and that my heart will eventually somehow miraculously heal itself. I have this crazy idea for my future but to me it makes perfect sense. I am motivated and determined and I will achieve it. My original reason for seeking this new future has become clouded with annoying uncertainty and so I've altered my reasons in order to make a bridge over the unknown. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that what I do, I have to do for myself. I can't do things because they'll please someone else or bring me physically closer to someone. Being in closer proximity to a person doesn't mean I will be any closer emotionally to them. So instead, I focus on why I want to be where I will someday be. I will be closer to so many things I love and want to experience in my life and I know they will fill my heart and spirit and make unrequited love a thing of the past. I have never been directly asked this but I have asked my friends a similar question many times. What inspires me? My biggest inspiration is my father. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss him with all my heart and wish he was still on this world. I know he is at peace now but there have been so many times when his little girl desperately needed his words of wisdom, his unconditional love and his wonderful bear hugs. I don't presume to know how anyone else who has lost their father feels, but I know how I feel. Losing him left an emptiness inside me that will never quite be filled but also uncovered a strength in myself I wasn't aware I possessed. He was such a good man and a true example of what every person should strive to be. His big, kind heart, sense of humor, accepting nature, easygoing temperament and great love for his family inspire me every day and in everything I do. I will continue to make him proud because though I've faltered and lost my way sometimes, I know he has never lost faith in me and that he is proud of everything I've accomplished. I am inspired by my mother and the strong, fiery nature I inherited from her and continue to build on. From her I learned to fight for what I want because I'm the only one who truly knows how to obtain my desires. She taught me that sometimes you just have to grab on and pull really hard or push and shove with all your strength to achieve the desired results, but the rewards are definitely worth it! I am inspired by my best friend because she is one of the most amazing people I've ever met and she loved and accepted me when no one else in this world would. She has a formidable power within her to bring happiness and joy to everyone she meets. As she comes into her own and gains victory in her battles, her light will only grow brighter and radiate stronger until nothing will ever again be able to dull her shine. I am inspired by my other close friend who isn't afraid to take brave leaps into the unknown and follow her heart. I admire her youthful wisdom and she has taught me so much and continues to humor my "adorable" naivety. I am inspired by my dear friend and his courageous heart, his devotion to his family and friends, his patience, his infinite spirit and his compassion. I am not entirely certain he realizes what an exceptional person he is but I do. No matter what happens between us, I will always consider him a good man and a beloved friend. There are so many other things that inspire me but alas, I've run out of time this morning to continue writing. For the moment I am still this lone woman in the country who is obsessed with the sky, endures unrequited love in stride while sharing her big heart with every creature she meets and whose writing voice is still mostly undiscovered. But that is all just momentary and not eternal. Soon the country will give way to busier streets and water views and an excitement to life I have only imagined. My future destination can't quite comprehend the whirlwind in store for it when I arrive... In the same spirit of going overboard, I dream big. I have this awesome imagination and ability to envision all my dreams as reality. This skill helps me immensely in my writing and in my life. There have been so many times when I've been down in the darkness but my vision for the future has brought the light to me and kept me strong and sane. The path I'm on now is one I can't turn from and don't want to stray from but that doesn't mean I'm not just a little afraid. As many times as I've done something brave, bold and slightly crazy, I've never undertaken a mission quite as large as the one I'm on now. Self-doubt has held me back from so many things but this time I'm embracing the fire within me and using it to "save the universe" as I keep telling my friends. I do almost all of my daydreaming and future-envisioning to music and usually while I'm driving in my car blasting my latest mix CD or out walking with my earbuds in. I've come up with tons of story ideas while dream driving and walking and it always makes me eager to get back to my computer and write them all out. While I continue to work on my books and create the stories for them, I'm also working on my own story. The life I currently have is one I built off the resources someone else owed me, but the life I want for my near future and beyond I will build completely on my own. I had to settle for "this will have to do" out of necessity and a desire for my freedom but I refuse to settle any longer. There are so many aspects of this world that I love and so many people that I love and I am determined to bring it all together. I've loved the ocean for as long as I can remember, so I shall set sail and live closer to it. Visiting big cities has made me yearn for the excitement there, so I will make them more accessible to me. I've always wanted to take dance lessons in a big group, so I will put myself where the people are. The new people I've met in the past year have sparked my curiosity and desire to try new physical activities, so I will journey to where those opportunities exist. I will free myself up to spend more time with my long distance friends. I will make a future for my girls without limits, I will help everyone I love pursue their passion and experience a life of freedom. As you can see, I have a lot to do! The list grows longer every day but I know I can accomplish it all. I was blessed with my artistic gifts for the greater good and it's past time I achieve my potential. Through it all though I shall remain humble and grateful for all that I have. I will never forget where I've come from and all I've fought through to get where I am now. Where I am now is just a stepping stone on the bigger path and it's time to conquer the mountain! When I decide to do something and really commit myself to it, there's not much that can stop me. I've had lots of crazy ideas in my life and big dreams and while some of them have reached fruition, many have not. That's something I'm working very hard to change in my life. The only one who can really stop me from succeeding is myself. My friends encourage me while the realities of life try to hold me back and it is entirely up to me and within my power to focus only on the positive energy and filter out all the negative noise. Sometimes life drags me down a bit but I continue to rise above it and move on. The wonderful thing about having friends who listen to my rambling is that even if they don't always respond to what I say, I feel better having expressed myself. I do also sometimes regret sharing my feelings in the "heat of the moment" because when that heat fades, I look back and wish I'd just taken a deep breath, noted of my emotions, and realized that it was just a passing issue. I suppose that's how we all learn though. If none of us made mistakes then life would be very boring and I simply don't do boring. I often tell my dear friend that I'm never dull and I make life interesting. For him I might make life too interesting sometimes but he continues to roll with it. After he sent me pictures of the little indoor nurseries he had going, I decided I was finally going to overcome my brown thumb and plant a garden this spring, but I didn't just start with a few plants. I purchased 10 seed packets of various flowers and my girls and I planted them in dishes indoors until they sprouted and the weather warmed up. Did I save those seed packets so I'd know what I planted? Nope. Did I plant the seeds in neat little rows? Nope. I dumped them in the soil and mixed them around like a cake mix. If I was going to garden, I was going to go overboard and plants tons of things in the hope that something would eventually bloom. To my total amazement, the seeds sprouted and as soon as I'd dug up my plot outside and spring finally arrived, the little seedlings went into the ground. There have been more than a few hiccups along the way, and my friend saying more than once "just keep at it" but there are finally things resembling flowers growing in my garden! It's a bit of a disorganized arrangement of mystery elements...just like me. I have tons of big ideas and when I get my momentum really going, I kind of steamroll my way through. I truly am a wild force to be reckoned with and as I unleash more of my artistic creativity, my energy will only grow stronger, and perhaps a little crazier. I have so many big dreams and goals for my future now and so much that I want to do and I genuinely believe I am on the precipice of great things! I don't usually take the traditional route to achieve what I want but I get there eventually. The best journeys are often the most exciting and unpredictable ones. I went to the lake Friday evening after work. There were storms rolling in from the south and while it was warm and humid, the strong winds off the lake kept my skin cool. I love being by the water and while I prefer the ocean waves, lake ripples will do for now. As it was such a nice summer night, there were plenty of people walking the sidewalks of the lake park, enjoying the fenced in beach and cruising around in boats. I had my hair down and was wearing one of my summer dresses and while the wind thoroughly tangled my long tresses, it only tried to blow my skirt up a few times. I stood by the shore looking down the lake for quite some time and was rewarded by several flashes of lightning off in the distance. The storm never came any closer than that but it certainly made for a beautifully tumultuous sky. I eventually left my spot by the shore and walked the gravel paths that outline that northern area of the lake. I am often a quiet observer in life and I passed many people as I walked. There were couples and families and owners walking their dogs and I soon realized that I was the only person there alone. Watching the couples and families walk by, I noticed that many of them didn't even seem to be enjoying having company. The couples were talking about this, that and the other thing without even holding hands and the families were busily trying to wrangle kids and appearing rather frustrated with that endeavor. I wonder how many of them ever took just one moment to savor the blessings they have in their life and breathe in everything around them. I wasn't truly alone as I walked. I carry so many people within my heart and thoughts of them keep me company. My father's spirit is forever near his little girl and I knew he would've been enjoying the windy evening at the lake as much as I was. Had my best friend been with me we would've been talking at high speed and giggling about our long history together. Just thinking of her made me smile. The man I love is never far from my thoughts and his company in my heart is truly all I have of him most of the time. I took several photographs trying to capture it all and hoping that some of them would come out decent enough to share with him later. He does actually know what he's doing with a camera and I am envious of how he so effortlessly expresses a moment in a photograph. I eventually found myself standing at the end of one of the boat docks facing into the wind and smiling. The sun had long ago disappeared behind the gray and blue clouds and the waves were growing more turbulent as the storms circled the area. I closed my eyes and brought thoughts of all those I love to the surface of my mind and felt my emotions swirling in my heart. They are always with me and I sent my love out to them so that they will know that I am forever with them. Until we can all be physically together, joined in spirit will suffice and it keeps me strong enough to work toward that eventual amazing meeting of all those I hold dear. I've been slacking and haven't taken Jazzmin on a good walk in a while. It's been too warm or too buggy...or some other stupid excuse. Well it was cooler last night and the nastiest of the biting flies have died out for the summer so off we went! As usual, Jazz was raring to go, but as I'm teaching her not to pull, we stopped five times before we even made it to the end of my road. The local bunnies were testing her obedience by munching happily away in the shoulder of the road and while Jazz wanted to chase the adorable little fluffy things, I kept her under control and made her sit until they hopped off out of sight. That distraction dealt with, we resumed our stride. The air was a little thick but there was a nice breeze to help cool the sweat and I decided I'd take Jazz halfway up the biggest hill on our walk route. The sun had nearly set and neither of us was at our aerobic peak anymore so it seemed like a reasonable plan. We got halfway up without any trouble and I paused just a moment before deciding we were going to conquer the whole hill. Halfway had been easy enough and we weren't overly winded and continuing the uphill climb didn't seem daunting at all. After all, we'd done it many times before... I quickly remembered that the hill gets much steeper after the halfway point as my calves and thighs burned and Jazz's tongue began to drag on the ground. She certainly wasn't pulling anymore and we were both panting but we kept going at our strong pace and sure enough we made it up! The view of the surrounding countryside is amazing from the top of that hill and it's like stepping into a whole new world. I was very proud of myself and my breath soon returned. No one was there cheering me on or pushing me to go all the way up and Jazz would have been fine turning around, but I'm just not someone who can go halfway. Even if it seems crazy and risky, I go all the way and I'm constantly testing my own limits and discovering my own strength. In order to be a source of strength for those I love, I have to first be strong myself. I have to have faith that somehow things will be okay. As I told my best friend last night, there are more dimensions to faith than there are stars in the sky. My friend has told me that with Jazz I need to be the leader, he says it's up to me to show her the way. Have confidence, he says. Great words of advice for much more than training my pup! I admit that my confidence can waver on occasion and it really never should because I know in my heart that I am an amazing woman and that I can handle, and have handled, anything life throws at me. Life lessons are rarely easy and they hurt, but I know that when I keep going and push through the pain, all the suffering will be healed by the bright, beautiful light that forever shines through the darkness. Growing up, the teacher comments on my report cards have said various things. "Works well under pressure." "Needs to participate more." "Works well independently." Hmm, perhaps that last one was a nice way of saying that I don't play well with others. That's a somewhat harsh interpretation of my personality but it gets the gist. I actually do play well with others and I enjoy being in fun social groups but my inherently shy nature can make it difficult for me to make new friends. On the opposite spectrum of that, when I do open myself up, I tend to reveal too much and it can be a bit overwhelming for potential friends. I can't help it, it's how I am and in order to be my friend you have to understand and accept every unique and quirky piece of me. I don't believe in keeping parts of my personality secret in order to win more people to my side. All I can ever be is genuine, 100% me. I may never be hip and up to date on the latest slang and phrases but it's apparently amusing to be with me and witness everything I don't know. People seem to find it difficult to comprehend that a woman my age has limited knowledge of certain things and a naivety that seems to contradict the years I've been on this world. Truth is that I'm proud of the innocence I still possess and the optimism in my spirit that life still hasn't crushed out of me, and never will be taken from me. I still wake every day to the songs of the birds and know that each dawn brings a fresh start and new endless potential. Each and every moment, even the ones that challenge all of us, is a gift to be cherished. Sorrowful tears one moment turn into laughter in the next breath, and the warmth of the sun banishes the coldest and darkest of days. Shine! "You need to learn to relax..." Words of wisdom from someone who at the time of saying them was probably rolling his eyes in exasperation. It isn't that I can't relax at all; it's that I relax about the wrong things and don't work hard enough at others. My worries and fears tend to rule my actions more than they should, and while the fact that I'm a woman gives me some leeway with that, it's not really a good way to live. I did my best to listen to him in that particular situation, took a deep breath and tried to have faith and trust that everything would be okay. As it turned out, things were just fine and I had once again wasted energy on counterproductive concerns. My belief that nothing in life should ever be taken for granted makes it difficult to sit back and trust that certain things in my life will remain constant. Doubting the strength and truth of those parts of my life just makes them weaker and that's the last thing I want. I haven't been very good at not taking certain other things for granted though and that has to stop. I've wasted far too much time thinking that somehow the future I want will just land in my lap and obviously that isn't going to happen. I had to work harder than I ever had before to gain my independence and while that left me perhaps understandably exhausted, I took far too long resting and found myself behind in my other goals. I know what I want in my life and I know that it's going to take true, unfaltering dedication on my part to get it. I have great friends that support and encourage me but they can't do the work for me, nor should they. I was going quite strong a few months ago and then I let my emotions get the better of me and fell behind again. I know we all stumble now and then but I did a pathetic job of picking myself back up and moving on. Instead I just stayed on my knees crying and wallowed in the pain of my cuts and bruises. I'd crawl a few steps and stop and expect someone to help me up...and that didn't really happen. Sometimes it's difficult for anyone to get through to me and it's entirely up to me to suck it up and move on. I have great strength and the ability to do whatever I put my mind to and now that I've picked myself up again, I'm going to make damn sure I don't stumble again. Time is such an unusual beast sometimes. It can pass so slowly and painfully, or speed by far too fast, or seem to have not existed at all. Never underestimate the amazing powers time possesses. After not seeing my friend for several months I expected to cry the moment I laid my eyes on him. To my surprise, I did not. Why? Because the moment I saw him again it felt like barely any time had passed at all and that it had only been mere days since we said goodbye. I only know one other person who I feel that way about and she is my best friend whom I have known for over 20 years. She and I knew each other for many years before life and distance separated us, whereas the friend I saw this weekend I haven't even known a year yet. It is an amazing familiarity to find twice in my life and one I feel blessed to have. My east coast friend and I are kindred spirits but we're certainly not exactly alike. He is a laid back and yet hard worker and I am an overly energetic creature who has trouble keeping focused. Wise people say that finding balance is important and I think he and I balance each other somewhat. We are both finding our way in this confusing, obstacle-filled world and we are both optimists. His strength is far more obvious and honed where mine tends to be hidden and disorganized. I do not believe I am completely hopeless though. He took me to a butterfly sanctuary and it was a wonderful experience! I love butterflies and they are very symbolic to me of hope and renewal. To see them all flying around in clusters, pairs and solo was truly beautiful. We were both using our camera phones to take pictures of the butterflies and I watched enviously as he would touch the screen on his phone to make his camera focus where he wanted it to. My phone has no such feature and an upgrade is not in the foreseeable future, so the pictures I took with it did not always focus on my intended subject. As I watched him touching to focus the picture, it reminded me much of what it takes to make me truly find my own focus. I need to be touched. Touching me physically and touching my heart is a powerful combination and it helps bring everything into focus for me. I feel like this wild, flickering light that's always bouncing around seeking a place to rest and never quite finding it. I glow brighter sometimes and grow dim during other times and I know that if I just focus my energy, I can harness the light within me and intensify it for the whole world to see. My friend and I parted after not quite a whole day together and it was not easy for me to say goodbye. I vowed that I would see him again and I will. Time is still weaving a complicated path for he and I and the timing itself still isn't quite right but I have hope and my eternal stubborn determination to help me through. Like a finger upon a touchscreen, I will touch to focus, trace a path through and over any obstacles in the way, and press on until my light glows so bright it's blinding. |
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